Punishing DSD(12)s behaviour

[thatsnotaproblem]

DSD is 12. We have always got and well and she can be a lovely girl. She lives here majority of the time but most parenting and punishment is done by DP.

I had booked for us to go to an concert over Easter including weekend away and other activities. She was very excited and I have also been looking forward to it.

There have recently been increasing issues with her behaviour through, including:
-General rudeness, arguing, shouting.
-Coming into my room, going through my stuff and taking/borrowing things
-Leaving mess and refusing to clear up after herself.
-Lying, not taking responsibility

She asked me to pick her up from seeing friends after school yesterday. She was immediately rude and grumpy, complained that I had to stop at a shop quickly on the way back. When we got home I asked if she could get changed out of her uniform so I could wash her shirt and she moaned and refused which escalated into her door slamming, throwing things and shouting at me including calling me a bitch.

In the moment I said something like ‘if this is how you behave when we’re on our own then we won’t be going to X anymore’ and that I could easily take my teen sister instead.

Was I unreasonable to say that or would I be unreasonable to do it?

Do not back track.

It's not a negotiation.

You set your standards and explain what will happen if not met.

You stick to that position.

Some families will have a line over here. Some over there. You've drawn your line. Do not let it be crossed.

It is the back tracking and blurring of lines that causes problems, not where they are set.

I think it’s ok to backtrack if you address it and explain why you are doing it. You could also then put in place a more achievable consequence if she does the same again and explain that this is one you have no problem sticking to.

I think it’s more harmful to stick to an unreasonable consequence personally but that’s just me.

always always follow through. Empty threats will result in you being powerless.
so always be careful and only threaten stuff you can and will be prepared to follow through.

your in early teen territory, my best advice, pick your battles!!! Sometimes biting your tongue is much better than escalating it as rarely anything good comes from escalating.
I don’t mean accept rudeness, just sometimes turning it bigger isn’t for the best. Save the big ones for when they are really needed.

I also think with BIG consequences you should warn them ahead of time that this would be the consequence, rather than spring it on them in the moment, IYSWIM.

It's up to you.

I'd be inclined to have a heart to heart with a view of trying to understand if there is an underlying issue and to get a commitment to improve behaviour.

Monitor for a few weeks and then consider whether you still want to go with your sister. Obviously don't invite sister til you're sure.

I expect she's probably just being a teenage arsehole but best to rule out anything worse. If you decide to punish by taking away fun stuff, it will be mean years without fun together if it is "just" teen attitude. I'd start with the phone, curfews or new clothes. Stuff that can be done immediately.

I think you've over reacted. Yes she needs a consequence but you've given loss of a big (enjoyable) thing which would've helped your relationship over something relatively small (being rude and calling names).

Pick your battles and how you word things. Instead of saying 'can you get out of your uniform' you could say 'I'm putting a wash own now, if you want your shirt washed bring it down'. If she doesn't then she doesn't have a clean shirt.

Easter s ages away.
Sit down
Say you thought about it, and that activity will go ahead
But these are house rules
If you break them these are consequences (immediate ones( get her to assist in drawing up house rules

Thankyou. I think the idea of allowing her to earn it back is good.
I really would love to go with her but not if she is going to act like she has been.

I wouldn’t advise this. We tried this with my daughter when she was younger and she soon realised she could do crappy stuff, as long as she was subsequently good and got things back.

At 12 years old, I’d be sitting them down for a chat that starts with “listen, I lost my temper and said you couldn’t come to the concert and I shouldn’t have, I’m sorry” Followed by “are you ok, I’ve noticed you’ve been shouting a lot (etc etc) has something happened that has made you angry”

Have a good long chat about how she is doing and let her know you are there for her, but remind her that you really don’t like the shouting and sulking so if she can work on not doing that, it would be good.

12 is a really shitty age to be. Of course she has to take responsibility for her behaviour, but most of the time when I was 12 and shouting, I just wanted a cuddle and someone to sympathise.

I obviously sympathise that being 12 is hard, puberty, secondary school, friend and family problems etc.
Shes given lots of understanding and support but there’s lots of behaviour that just isn’t acceptable regardless.
Other consequences like less pocket money, phone time and freedom are given by DP

Personally I think with teenagers (which she will be very soon) is there you take every chance you can to bond with them. I no longer punish mine with this sort of random punishment. (What has her behaviour got to do with the concert directly?)
Instead I would say this is completely unreasonable. "And say next time I shant pick you up from school. People like that don't get favours off me."
Then move on from it.
Teens very much like toddlers they react often disproportionately to things, I try and let them calm down or ignore whilst making it clear I won't put up with poor behaviour. Any consequences need to make sense otherwise they end up getting hard done by (even when they have been little shits).

In a couple of years she is unlikely to want to go anywhere with you and you will have missed an opportunity.

By "nuclear" I don't mean that you went mad and shouted at her. I just mean that you jumped straight to a very harsh punishment for some pretty standard pre-teen stuff. Saying you had ignored things and given her encouragement earlier is exactly my point - she didn't realise you were getting more and more annoyed until you tipped over the edge.

NTA if anyone called me a Bitch in my own home stepchild or otherwise not going to a concert would be the least of her worries
to me that is completely unacceptable behaviour and I would be having words with DP on why he thinks it is ok for her to speak to you like that