Aibu to say that I can’t speak to the teacher about this?

[Elliebob71]

Ds is 9. He’s a very quiet and sensitive boy. He doesn’t like school very much but he tries his best and is very well behaved. Very quiet. It always takes a while for him to build up confidence at the beginning of a new school year.

There seems to be quite a few children in his class with behaviour issues (probably due to additional needs).

At the start of term he was put sitting next to a child who was really distracting him a lot. Stuff like kicking him under the table, taking his pens, talking a lot, nudging and knocking ds. The child has been known for lashing out and hurting other children. Ds was so upset that I spoke to his teacher. She was very open and said she was going to be swapping seats around anyway. She did shortly afterwards, and ds was so happy in his new seat.

The seating plan stayed for quite a while, but now a different child has been moved to sit next to ds.

Ds is very upset and is crying. The thing is this child isn’t actually being nasty, but ds is saying that the child talks too much, keeps making funny noises and smells really bad. I know who the child is and I know that ds is probably correct about all of this, but I don’t think it’s something I can really approach the teacher with. The child obviously has some additional needs.

I’ve tried to explain that sometimes you might end up having to sit near someone you’re not particular keen on. It can happen at secondary school, it can happen when you go to work.

It’s hard enough getting him into school as it is though and now he’s so miserable again.

Of course you didn't mean to be dismissive, but can you see that you were? It also gives him the idea that he will have to deal with things that make him miserable for the rest of his life - TMI for a nine-year-old!

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I suppose my thoughts were that if the child isn’t actually being nasty/naughty how do you approach it.

I did already get him moved once but that child was known for lashing out and was actually distracting ds.

I would specifically request that your DS isn't sat next to a child who is disruptive or that he would prefer not to for other reasons because he is sensitive and needs not to be distracted by others.

Your child is sweet, sensitive and quiet. He's often going to be the child sat next to a disruptive child with the hope of bringing calm to the situation. It's not fair on your DS and he needs you to stand up for him.

it's not your son's job to be a good influence on more disruptive children at his cost

I'd encourage your child to advocate for themselves by age 9. I always find these things are better coming from the child rather than a parent. If that doesn't work, then I would say something.

We had a similar issue here. ND high achieving child sat next to several disruptive children with a lack of respect for her personal space (and infamous for picking their nose and wiping it on the table). ND DC spoke to teacher and asked to be moved (we practiced what she would say). She now sits alone and is much happier. More room for her books.

Yes that is the point I was making re: the smelly child. As I said there really isn't much the school can do other than what I have already suggested and hope that other children can be kind towards them.

Not necessarily. In DS' class there were 4 individual seatings for highly disruptive kids. Once my DS was seated there at his request to get away from the kid next to him.

By focusing on your child’s experience. It’s up to the teacher/school to manage the classroom dynamics. You've said that your DS is really miserable about this. It’s not really a moment for a lesson on others’ SEN. Acknowledge how your son is feeling, and tell him that you will do your best to help him, that you will speak to the teacher. Then whatever happens he knows he at least has you supporting and prioritising him.

(Just noticed that FB page has become a bit meme-focused, but there is still some useful pointers on there. Will have a look for a better source.)

That is usually a sign of masking of autistic traits.

I would speak to the senco alongside it and ask for them to assess so that rhe correct support can be put in place for him going g forwards.

I am having a hard time understanding why you would even consider not to talk about this with the teacher and ask strangers on the Internet for opinions.

I understand how hard this is for schools and teachers - there are plenty of special needs children who need to be in a different school.
Unfortunately, they can't do anything about that. However, they definitely can come up with a new seating arrangement. It's not that complicated, and there is no way they would find your request unreasonable.

I'm in two minds about this but I think I agree with you op. First case of course it's obvious that you had to speak to the teacher and well done everyone for resolving the situation.

Second case, I think, you can raise that ds finds the other child distracting as they talk so much. I think it really depends on how big of an issue it is. Is your ds crying every day and refusing to go to school? Has it been going on for weeks? If not I'd wait for a bit and see if ds can get used to it. (Also, then you can tell the wlteacher that he really tried). I think, teaching our kids to be able to put up with a low level of uncomfortableness helps them be more resilient and life is so much easier when you aren't fussy. Also, is it possible that he's getting too used to sitting on his own (I mean if there wasn't another child next to him after the bullying one got moved)? However only you can know what low level means for your ds.

I used to teach and I had parents approach me about this stuff a lot. To mitigate it as much as possible, without singling any one child out - I would fiddle about with the seating plan every half term and make sure that there was equal jiggling about distributed among the class so that it wasn't really obvious that someone had had enough of sitting next to someone else - because however difficult to cope with any child is, they're still just a small person who deserves to be valued as much as anyone else at the end of the day.

I'd also try to put kids who were easily distracted on a place on the table where they had peers only on one side etc wherever possible - but there's only so much you can do - particularly when you had my annoyingly shaped classroom and all the mismatched furniture so none of the tables were even the same height (I'm still bitter) cos my classroom always got used as like the tuck shop for all the PTA discos and everyone swiped the better furniture when things were being put back afterwards!

@Elliebob71 please do speak to your child's class teacher- I'd be heartbroken if I knew a child in my class was struggling because of a decision I had inevitably made. Not that it's any consolation but your son is probably being sat next to these children as the teacher feels he is an excellent role model for them. Having said that, the school have a duty of care to support every child and to ensure they are all happy, feel safe and are learning well. If you feel like your son is particularly sensitive, it might also be worth asking whether there is anyone in school who could do some mentoring with him to support him with dealing with situations he finds challenging.
P.S. I'm currently on mat leave hence being able to reply at this time.

It’s literally what aibu is for. To ask, somewhat anonymously, if you’re doubting yourself about a situation.

As I said I’ve already had him moved once. This child isn’t actually doing anything to ds, he just isn’t happy sitting next to her. But she has additional needs.

Please speak up for your child. He shouldn’t have to deal with this and honestly it’s not teaching him anything but to put up with being uncomfortable so he doesn’t make someone else uncomfortable. As an adult I wouldn’t sit next to someone like this either. Please advocate for your child.

He isn’t crying everyday and refusing to go to school. The move only happened two days ago and he’s been crying since that. It’s disrupted his sleep and he woke up really early quite upset about it.

I asked him to give it until the end of the week.

He doesn’t like school anyway, and there isn’t any specific reason. He does get upset quite easily. For example he went on a school trip once and he left his water bottle back in the class. He spent the whole day worrying about his ‘lost’ water bottle. The teacher gave him a flavoured water drink but he wouldn’t drink it because he was worried that he wouldn’t like it. So he went all day without a drink. That was a few years ago and he’s gas got a lot better.

I work in an open plan office and have to sit near a lot of annoying, smelly, loud people.
I am an adult so it’s different, but it’s interesting people saying that they wouldn’t put up with this themselves.

I definitely put up with low level discomfort I wonder if some of us are just more sensitive to these things.

It wasn't until we went through the diagnosis for ND that I realised that my "low level annoyance" and "over sensitiveness" were traits of ND.
Particularly amongst women, there are a lot of undiagnosed ASD who were taught to put up and shut up with stuff like this to their own detriment. Not realising that other people just don't have this.

Since we started advocating and taking notice of our DCs sensory environment we've noticed a massive difference in her mood, behaviour and output. Not an academic example but we moved her from swimming lessons at the local pool (cold water, changing rooms which smelt of piss) to slightly more expensive lessons at the private pool (same group size) and she now has been selected to swim competitively. I keep thinking that her environment makes such a difference to her abilities, it's critical we think about it in an academic setting too. Just a thought.

When you can wander to the kitchen any time you like, or you have meetings that get you out of the space, or even put earphones in, it's a bit different.

But if you're sitting near "a lot" of smelly people I'm intrigued what your job is, unless you mean they're all stressed out smokers.

There are quite a few smokers yes. There’s a lady who absolutely reeks of BO, she has done for years too, there’s someone who smells like a bin.

Lots of smelly food too in the office, lots of very noisy eaters. People who shriek on the phone. People who have loud conversations on teams and don’t use headphones, people stand behind your desk yakking about their weekend.

Drives me up the wall most days, but there isn’t much I can do.

I can only think some people don’t really notice these things as much.