Aibu to say that I can’t speak to the teacher about this?

[Elliebob71]

Ds is 9. He’s a very quiet and sensitive boy. He doesn’t like school very much but he tries his best and is very well behaved. Very quiet. It always takes a while for him to build up confidence at the beginning of a new school year.

There seems to be quite a few children in his class with behaviour issues (probably due to additional needs).

At the start of term he was put sitting next to a child who was really distracting him a lot. Stuff like kicking him under the table, taking his pens, talking a lot, nudging and knocking ds. The child has been known for lashing out and hurting other children. Ds was so upset that I spoke to his teacher. She was very open and said she was going to be swapping seats around anyway. She did shortly afterwards, and ds was so happy in his new seat.

The seating plan stayed for quite a while, but now a different child has been moved to sit next to ds.

Ds is very upset and is crying. The thing is this child isn’t actually being nasty, but ds is saying that the child talks too much, keeps making funny noises and smells really bad. I know who the child is and I know that ds is probably correct about all of this, but I don’t think it’s something I can really approach the teacher with. The child obviously has some additional needs.

I’ve tried to explain that sometimes you might end up having to sit near someone you’re not particular keen on. It can happen at secondary school, it can happen when you go to work.

It’s hard enough getting him into school as it is though and now he’s so miserable again.

You can talk to her about it.

That is hard but I think you have to say something.

But your son isn't at secondary school or at work so shouldn't be expected to show the maturity required for those stages of life. What a dismissive response to his genuine upset.

I'd say you must speak to the teacher, it is up to them to manage the issue within the classroom. They should be aware of how upset your son is.

You can tell her about your son. Saying 'I am really struggling to get DS into school again. He is telling me the reason is because he is struggling with his new partner. I'm wondering what we can do to help DS feel more positive about school again'.

You can talk to the teacher about it (I am one). 1. This is upsetting your kid. 2. This is disrupting your kid's education. 3. Being smelly is a neglect safeguarding concern and should be flagged.

Thank you, this is good advice.

Seriously?
Why would you not put your child and your childs needs first?
If you think for a moment that the other childs parent(s) is not putting her/his needs above your childs you are fooling yourself.

But your post is going to prompt disability bashing by posters

I think that school are already aware of the child’s needs.

Definitely talk to the teacher.

As long as it is done in a kind way and the approach is "I need your help to make ds feel settled again" way it should be fine.

Have you considered the fact your ds may have some additional needs? At 9 I wouldn't except such a small change to be as distressing as you are painting it.

As someone who is a Mum but also works in a school (non-teaching role), you can absolutely say something to the teacher. You need to bring it to her attention that not only is this child distracting your child but smells too. There may be additional needs, but having a child in class that smells, is not pleasant for anyone, least of all the child concerned. You are correct to say to your child that he may have to sit next to others in the future, who he may not like or could be annoying, and he will have to put up with it. After all that's life. A child who was being unkind (as in the first incident) or smells is entirely different though.

@Elliebob71 I'm sure they are. You are telling them that your DC is struggling in this situation. BTW, it would still be fine to tell the teacher in secondary school, but I would expect the child affected to tell me rather than the parent.

Yes he is only 9 so I would intervene and ask the teacher to look at the seating plan again. You could always focus on how well he liked his last partner and seating arrangement (some children don't always get switched if it is seen to benefit them).

Unfortunately if the child smells the I expect the school will already know and there is not much they can do (they might be speaking to the parents about it, giving them spare uniform if they can't afford new items and it's not being washed, private chats with the child about good hygiene and getting older but they can't force this to be followed up, and unless there are other concerns can only monitor and encourage kindness to them).

I’ve considered it yes. But I wouldn’t know what. Like I say he’s quiet and sensitive, but he’s very well behaved and school have never flagged anything, in fact they always reassure us about his growing confidence and how lovely he is.

He certainly doesn’t enjoy school very much which is a real shame, but he’s always very proud of his achievements and he gets along well with a lot of the children.

He is very sensitive if things go a bit wrong though and gets quite distressed.

Teachers always place disruptive kids next to calm ones, it's logic. I think you should tell the teacher that your son is having a hard time. He also needs to learn how to tell the kid next to him that he doesn't want to talk during lessons so please stop. I had the same with my ds and I coached him into telling the other kid to please be quiet and if it didn't work go talk to teacher and tell her. It won't help about the smell though, that is really a safefuarding issue because normally it will take a lot of hygiene neglect for a 9 year old to smell. Just be careful if he's from a culture where you eat a lot of spicy food so that the smell isn't due to food.

I’m certain that the child is on their radar and has been since reception.

Unfortunately though you get this.

If you live in a lovely area perhaps you don’t. But in my experience there is often a ‘smelly kid’ who no one wants to sit by. It happened when I was at school and it has been the case in my other children’s classes.

It’s definitely not a food/spicy smell.

Unfortunately when you’re in a deprived area you get this type of thing a lot.

It would be nice to think that no child would be going to school smelly or not washed, not with the correct stuff but it just isn’t the case.

By all means raise the problems, you don't want your child's education disrupted by another child. I had a sensitive child and the difference it made having someone 'nice' to sit next to was amazing, coming home happy instead of full of how difficult the day had been because of all the trivial annoyances and distractions.

(Smelly can be a term of abuse rather than meaning someone is actually smelly. Or that they had an accident and were smelly at one time, but the name persists, although they are not usually smelly.)

I’ve spoke to ds and he said there are 4 children in the class that he wouldn’t want to sit by. It’s all because of behaviour mainly.

He’s told me that the girl who was sitting ne t to this child before also found it annoying.

it’s really difficult because someone has to sit next to these children 🤷‍♀️

Of course you can talk to the teacher, you need to advocate for him, he’s young and vulnerable, he needs to see his mum calmly role model resolving issues.

My child was used in a similar way, always sat next to the extra lively boy because she was calm. She quite liked being with the boys so it wasn’t an issue. If she had found it unbearable I would have advocated on her behalf.

We had a similar issue. Girl was licking her hands and discreetly rubbing them on my daughter's things. Trying to take her pens etc. This was first year of secondary and she was seated next to my daughter for most subjects and really should have known better at this age 🤮 A few emails to the teachers and it was sorted. I put the emphasis on it being very distracting for my daughter and it was affecting her work.

"it’s really difficult because someone has to sit next to these children"

Yes but it doesn't need to be your son. Speak to the teacher and get him moved. Some children are unbothered by smells, we had a child who smelled unwashed and he was sat very happily with some of his friends on a table at the back, never bothered them. School were obviously aware; there were issues with him and at home and interventions were being put in place.

Definitely make school easier for your son.

Thank you for the advice, I can see a way of approaching this now. I feel bad I certainly wasn’t trying to be dismissive of ds.

It is difficult because he is quite sensitive, I think it’s been unfortunate that since the start the teacher has sat him next to two of the children that he really doesn’t want to be. He has said he’d be happy with any of the others in the class but he’s been put next to the one with poor behaviour.

I think this is so unfair. Years ago it was the norm to sit disruptive children singly at the front of the class. It was better for everyone.

I've heard from various teachers that they will put well behaved children with the naughty ones,in the hope that the this would calm them down. It hardly works though.

Of course you can talk to the teacher about it.