Have I been abused?

[DM16]

I finished with my partner two months ago. We don't live together thankfully. I got tired of his undercurrent of resentment and I feel jealousy about my relationship with my son who has autism. I'm there for my kid because I'm a good mother. Anyway, sometimes when drinking (he definitely has a drink problem. He drinks every night) he has been resentful about something or other and has blurted it out on drink. Once when drunk he called my son a spastic to my face. I hit him round the head I was so angry. Totally out of character for me but I was so offended. Before Christmas we had an argument about something stupid and he called me a bitch and a c**t. He was drunk. I got so sick of him that it took one more snidey text about me not getting him fresh bread that I ended it completely. I used to go over to his apartment and clean it (he never outright asked me to do this) because I felt I was helping him. I got sick of that too as I thought he was being really lazy not even getting the hoover out. Anyway, the last text I got from him he was drunk and texted that I was the one who abused him! I said why? Because I stood up for myself? I told him time and time again he drank too much. I moved to a new town last year to live near him and it was really hard work cleaning and decorating. He was bloody useless at the time and said he had the flu. He said the move would help our relationship. Obviously, it hasn't. He never said boo to my son as he knew better not to. I thought he was vile for the things he said and I lost feelings for him. Was I abused? Am I right to feel that he is the nasty piece of work he is? I think he's a narcissist now and doesn't to accept his responsibility in the breakdown of our relationship. Am I right to feel like the victim here? I do feel like the victim but he's making out I abused him! Thanks for listening .Clearing me head. I've blocked him now.

I mean, obviously you’ve been abused. You must know that.

Thanks. I think he is gaslighting me into thinking I'm the horrible person. So glad to be shot of him.

Op I think it might be worth linking in with womens aid. Domestic abuse can be complex and if you look into the cycle of violence there's a point in the cycle that is provocation - this is where a victim basically cannot take the tension/ emotional abuse any more so they subconsciously try to break this by escalating a situation so it can move on to the honey moon phase again where things are calmer, less exhausting and feel safer. This is why often victims will blame themselves for their abusers actions and abusers will use this as material to gaslight victims with.

Thanks. I told him he was an abusive man before I blocked him. No way on this earth do I want him back and I haven't shed a tear.

I’m so glad you’re free of him now. What a disgusting man, and well done for managing to stand up to him. It’s not always easy to do that, so all credit to you.

Thank you. X

You should have walked away after you hit him. He was calling you names and you were skivvying for him.

You need to stay away from relationships until you've done some work on your self esteem. Perhaps look at the Freedom Programme to learn about healthy relationships.

The relationship sounds pretty toxic so ending it was the right thing to do. He sounds horrible and I'm all for standing up for oneself, but if this were a man saying a woman wound him up until he lost control and hit her round the head, I think the responses would be quite different. I'd echo that getting some counselling before you enter another relationship is important.

Was it abuse or just massively unhealthy relationship? It sounds like a nightmare all round.
Maybe he was the instigator (and his drinking exacerbated) your arguments, although you don't say that.
You skivvied for him, but admit he never asked you to.
He called you names in the context of an argument (did you call him names too?). You hit him - in response to a disgusting slur toward your son of course. But you did still crack him round the head. I'm not sure violence in response to any verbal insult would be defended if it was the other way around.

Sounds like this relationship was toxic for both of you (and probably your son). Good thing you've blocked him so you can move on

@Stafanko has covered everything.

You are both abusing each other. He's an alcoholic and you are violent.

This.

His comment about your son was vile, but you don’t have the right to put your hands on someone because you’re angry.

You are right. It was a one off and there was no excuse. Someone pissed and calling your innocent son a spastic though is disgusting. I think I knew at that point the relationship was not healthy and going down a wrong path. Glad I'm out of it.

Slapping him on the head was a one off and totally out of character for me. When someone is pissed and calls your innocent son a vile name it is hard to restrain yourself. No excuses for that. Not making any. I had a few years of him resenting my relationship with my son and he called my son a cunt on drink before. I knew this wasn't a healthy relationship.

I'm not violent! It happened once as he was ranting and called my son a spastic. I don't go round hitting people. I've never hit anyone in my life apart from this one off.

Physically lashing out because you can’t control your temper is being violent.

Imagine if it was the other way around and he put his hands on you because you’d said something nasty.

Just keep your standards high in future. You and your son are worth better than this man.

These comments show a lack of awareness around the impact of emotional abuse and gaslighting. The situation is clearly much more nuanced than how its being perceived by some people on here and what it needs to boil down to is the power dynamic. A toxic relationship is one where its equally unhealthy and the power dynamic is equal. An abusive relationship is one where the power dynamic is uneven (as is the case in this relationship) and in those cases individual instances of violence can occur from a victim. Similar to when women end up killing a partner after years of abuse. I wouldn't be labeling op as 'violent' after reading what she's written here and I certainly wouldn't be expecting other women to be gaslighting her either.

Were a man to have written this post I would be saying the exact same. The idea that all victims of abuse must always act accordingly and always take the high road actually is very harmful, stops genuine victims from receiving support, affects police response to domestic abuse and ultimately stops women from seeking help. Don't be part of that.

Also just to highlight that domestic abuse is intentional and persistent.

Ops slap was neither intentioned nor did it happen persistently. Her exes behaviour to her was absolutely intentional and very persistent.

Did she act well - absolutely not, but are there other factors we need to take into consideration such as that her action was a one off reaction to ongoing persistent abuse - yes.

Thank you. I'm the most easy going person and I never instigated any rows on alcohol. He did. We were at a night away and he started about my son over nothing. To call him a spastic when he has autism was shocking to me. I just snapped but did feel ashamed about it. I knew that this wasn't a healthy relationship then. Ironically, he doesn't see himself as an abuser for calling someone he was supposed to love names and being jealous of my son.

This is all very odd. You took your child with you to live near a man who drinks every night, who is jealous of your child and who you think is lazy. You got so annoyed with him when he was drunk (before Christmas) that you hit him round the head (which you say is out of character for you) and you continued to be in a relationship with him? You were not living with him, I cannot understand why you stayed with him until now. I hope your child is safe and has not witnessed all this hideous drink fuelled behaviour.

My exdh has created a narrative for himself that he is abused! We still live together and he picked me up from work, I had been up since 5am and was tired after a full day of manual labour. It had rained a little and when I entered the house I put my foot not on the mat but on the laminate floor. He went on about it and I said well I'm the one who cleans the floor. He said oh that's why the cloakroom smells musty (I keep the mop and bucket in there), it's not but he then proceeded to tell me I hadn't squeezed all the water from the mop. Then he said I wouldn't make a mess of the floor at dd1's (it was one footprint) and I said no because she's not stupid and the mat is right next to the door. He then popped into the kitchen for a minute and I heard him calling me a b, f c* etc and returned saying I'd called him stupid. This confused me as I didn't think I had - remember long, tiring day at work - he then stormed out and hasn't spoken to me since. Sorry for the rant but it's so tiring sometimes.

@Lavender14 can't see how you can tell that from OPs post. He called her names in arguments, was useless round the house. He drinks and they get into arguments
She doesn't say anything about gaslighting.

Physical violence is much worse than name calling. You were abusive to him. Sounds like a whole toxic mess

Blaming someone else for your own behaviours and the consequences to those behaviours is gaslighting... so making it ops fault she hasn't bought fresh enough bread - gaslighting. Verbally and emotionally abusing her consistently and then spinning that around on her to make it her fault - gaslighting. Encouraging someone to take big steps in a relationship then making it all their responsibility (moving and then leaving it all to her to sort) and then blaming them for not doing those things properly alone- gaslighting.