Have I been abused?

[DM16]

I finished with my partner two months ago. We don't live together thankfully. I got tired of his undercurrent of resentment and I feel jealousy about my relationship with my son who has autism. I'm there for my kid because I'm a good mother. Anyway, sometimes when drinking (he definitely has a drink problem. He drinks every night) he has been resentful about something or other and has blurted it out on drink. Once when drunk he called my son a spastic to my face. I hit him round the head I was so angry. Totally out of character for me but I was so offended. Before Christmas we had an argument about something stupid and he called me a bitch and a c**t. He was drunk. I got so sick of him that it took one more snidey text about me not getting him fresh bread that I ended it completely. I used to go over to his apartment and clean it (he never outright asked me to do this) because I felt I was helping him. I got sick of that too as I thought he was being really lazy not even getting the hoover out. Anyway, the last text I got from him he was drunk and texted that I was the one who abused him! I said why? Because I stood up for myself? I told him time and time again he drank too much. I moved to a new town last year to live near him and it was really hard work cleaning and decorating. He was bloody useless at the time and said he had the flu. He said the move would help our relationship. Obviously, it hasn't. He never said boo to my son as he knew better not to. I thought he was vile for the things he said and I lost feelings for him. Was I abused? Am I right to feel that he is the nasty piece of work he is? I think he's a narcissist now and doesn't to accept his responsibility in the breakdown of our relationship. Am I right to feel like the victim here? I do feel like the victim but he's making out I abused him! Thanks for listening .Clearing me head. I've blocked him now.

As someone who's worked with countless survivors of domestic abuse I can categorically say this is not always the case. I've worked with lots of women who only ever experienced emotional and verbal abuse and gaslighting who were more severely impacted by the abuse than women who experienced physical violence. As a survivor myself I can honestly say that the gaslighting and emotional abuse I suffered was much, much worse than anything else and took me much longer to recover from.

Ugh people are so annoying. ALL these people who haven’t been in an abusive relationship swanning in with their “shoulda woulda coulda” judgement. THIS is exactly why people don’t leave.

op, you didn’t give that much detail to know whether he is a habitual abuser or a drunken tosser. By that I mean some people are abusive when they’re drunk but if they quit alcohol you’d see no abusive behaviour from them whatsoever. Some people are abusive all the time, drunk or sober. If he’s the first but continues to drink, he is not going to change so you’re being abused. If he’s the latter, you’re being abused. So yes, he was an abusive.

If your post is honest, you’re not violent. And frankly fuck the guy he deserved a slap but you know it’s not actually ok or legal to hit someone so…ok good. Sorted.

Youre just feeling unjustly accused and it’s hard to brush that off because it’s like wtf? There’s someone out there in the world walking around with this narrative that you’re abusive. And they have ‘evidence’ because you DID act “abusively” (shouting, hitting, etc). But you know the truth and you know you’re better off so don’t spend one second more thinking about this. He’ll find someone else to latch onto soon enough.

Well he was clearly a twat. And I’m sure you’re much better wo him.

I can’t say from you posted whether he was abusive or not tbh. Alcoholic yes. Obnoxious yes. Abusive? Can’t tell.

That's not what gaslighting is. Gaslighting is making someone else question their own sanity or perception of reality. Its really irritating when people just use it to mean any form of lying or shitty behaviour.
I think you're reaching.
"so making it ops fault she hasn't bought fresh enough bread" - well factually it is her fault she hasn't bought fresh bread - who's fault is it otherwise. I mean, he should get his own fresh bread if he's that bothered, of course. He shouldn't be sending her snarky messages but are we calling that emotional abuse now? Bloody hell, wonder how many people sent their OH a snarky text recently because they used the last of the milk etc.
"Encouraging someone to take big steps in a relationship then making it all their responsibility (moving and then leaving it all to her to sort) " - she didn't say he pushed her into it, or even encouraged it. She might have done it of her own back. All the OP said was that she moved to be near him and it was hard work, he didn't help her out. This is not gaslighting. It's not abuse. It's just being a dickhead,.
'Verbally and emotionally abusing her consistently'- OP said he picks arguments when he's drunk. Irritating arsehole behaviour. Name calling is gross. But name calling in an argument? Again OP never said whether she called him names too (although admits hitting him round the head, so clearly there's some back and forth).
Just because a man is a twat, or a layabout doesn't mean he's an abuser. From OPs posts (which are all we have to go on) I see no real evidence of a power imbalance and bad behaviour on both sides. Which Is why I said toxic relationship.

And I highly doubt that if a bloke had written "my GF doesn't like my kid and called them names during a drunken argument so I cracked her round the head, have I been abused?", the reaction would be the same.

I don’t really think there is enough here to say who abused who Or if it was abuse or a toxic relationship tbh. how long were you together? Did he always rant at you when he was drinking? Was this every night or regularly?
in terms of cleaning his house, how did that come about? Did he ask? Or did you offer?

I would have left him after what he called your son but there we go, you carried on the relationship for too long after that. You have left now though so I wouldn't even be questioning whether it was abuse or not. You were WRONG for each other so draw a line, fix yourself and your son, take some time to heal and move on.

It just sounds as if you’re better off without each other. And while you might have reacted “out of character”, what would it take to make you do the same again? Because you need to address that reaction. What HE did/ said is irrelevant now, as you are not together. But what happens next time someone says something awful about your son?

No but you did just admit to domestic violence from yourself so we'll done you

Sounds like your as bad as each other as your sat here blaming his behaviour for your abuse and violence

I was agreeing with you until you wrote you hit him .
There is no reason for one adult to ever hit another .
This is called domestic violence .
Yes his words are vile , but you continued a relationship with an alcoholic . Did you expect it to be perfect ?
Block him , ignore him , and learn from this , you are picking the wrong men to be in your life . Learn from it .

There's always a first time

You were both abusive and I'm actually concerned for your son if you can't see that!
You physically and him mentally
Imagine if it was the other way around and you were drunk and called his son something so he hit you - you'd quite rightly be saying he'd been domisically violent with you. Just because your a woman and he's a man doesn't mean you weren't domestically violent with him.
Also hitting someone who's already drunk around the head is a very dangerous thing to do - you're very lucky you didn't do serious damage!

Have you ever heard of reactive abuse?

Would you be saying it was deserved if she was saying "I got drunk called and my boyfriend's autistic son names, so my boyfriend hit me around the head. Was I physically abused"

My ex hitting me was a one off until the next time I upset her, and the next and the next!
It's always starts with the first time that's ever happened before!

Wake up and realise you were domestically violent!

Would you be saying that if it was him reacting to her?

There is never an excuse to put your hands on another human in anger!

Looks like the men have found the thread.

You didn't answer the question so I'll take it you don't know anything about reactive abuse. You're conveniently missing that he called her son a spastic to her face but hey you keep going defending that vile behaviour.

I'm a woman actually!

So if she'd called his son a spastic to his face you'd condone him hitting her?
That's condoning vile behaviour

Did you miss the bit about the OP being ashamed of her actions? That she's never done anything like this before? No-one is excusing violence. You're not willing to even discuss reactive abuse. You have very black and white thinking, you don't seem to be able to understand nuance.

I wasn't actually talking about you. Believe it or not, there's more than you defending this vile man.

Obviously you were abused and yet you allowed him repeatedly into your home.
He is drunken abusive scum that you skivvied for.
You should have dumped him a long long time ago.
The way he spoke about your son is absolutely disgusting.
Why would you have drunken scum near you?

Have nothing further to do with him and involve the police if he comes near you or your home.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you see clearly what red flag men sound like.
The first time he behaved negatively about your son, he should have been gone for good.
Learn from this or it will happen again.
You and your son deserve much better than him.
Better no man than a bad man.
Good luck.

My abuser was always ashamed of her actions, had never done anything like that before and if you listened to her I was a drunken lazy loud mouth that never did anything.
Except I'm teetotal and always have been, was the one doing the housework and the only earner in the relationship as she was unemployed.
Turns out she'd done it before to her last 4 partners.
So maybe I don't instantly believe the "I've never done this before" also no one has done it before they do it the first time!

And again I'll ask would you be so okay with the ex being hit of this whole scenario was the other way around and she'd been verbally abusive to him and his kids so he lost it and hit her?

There's no point continuing this conversation with you, you don't understand nuance or abuse except your own abuse.