To ask him to never to this to me the other way around?

[Chickenspit]

For context: Been with my new man 6 months.

Got home from my shift this afternoon, kicked my shoes off put the kettle and had a text from him “are you ok?!”

I was really confused and replied “dying for a cuppa but fine, why??”

To which he replied “I thought you were stopping by after work?”

I had somehow just totally forgotten we’d planned that, until he reminded me.

He’s very important to me and, on top of that, I’m super organised with my schedule. I cannot fathom how I forgot! Work stress, I think?

I was so embarrassed that I’d forgotten, that I lied and told him I’d popped home first to get something, and was going to come straight over after if he still had time later (he didn’t!).

This explanation didn’t really make sense as I live in the other direction and it’s super out of character that I wouldn’t let him know I’d be at least 90 mins behind schedule. He wasn’t at all angry was very bewildered.

Now DP is retired and doesn’t have kids, so his time is abundant which is why this didn’t bother him.

However, the other way round this is something that really would bother me. My schedule is packed all the time and my spare time is precious. 90 minutes change with no explanation would be a big thing for me.

In fact, it is probably the one thing that’d drive me mad, if he (or anyone!) did it the other way round.

I know this sounds a bit barmy but I’m worried that with my white lie, I’ve now set a precedent that this behaviour is ok.

AIBU to chat to him about it?

I’d quite like to say:

“I know this is mental but you know how I randomly didn’t show up for our plans, and didn’t tell you why until you asked….? And you didn’t seem to mind? Well if you did that to me, i’d really really really mind and it’d ruin my day, so please don’t!”

I realise this sounds trivial but it’s really bothering me!

You’re over thinking this totally

That sounds a bit batshit

You lied to him to save yourself now want to lecture him on something he hasn't done?

You sound ridiculous and looking for problems where there are none

You’re right. It does sound barmy. If I had to say anything at all it would be admitting your lie. ‘I have no idea how, but I forgot I was going to yours the other day, completely panicked and then lied. I’m really sorry, it’s not like me to lie’ 🤷🏼‍♀️

Focus on why you felt the need to lie and why you couldn't tell the truth. It's usually easier to tell the truth.

For me, the red flag wouldn't be the time, but the lying.

You dug yourself into this hole! Why did you lie? I don’t think you can say that to him without fessing up. You’d look a bit weird. If you really think that the fact you’d had a bit of brain fart and driven home by mistake would have been that big a deal then it’s not a great relationship.

Yep. Sounds barmy, as well as making you look like an unreasonable hypocrite.

Just tell the truth

It sounds completely crazy. You shouldn't have lied and you certainly shouldn't assume he would behave in a similar way. If you told him the truth that you forgot and you are very sorry, you may have had at least half a leg to stand on when making such demands. But by lying, you lost any right to demand he doesn't do this imaginary thing you think he will do.

This is an opportunity for you to look at how you treat other people

I’m not sure!! I hated the thought of telling him I’d forgotten him! Within about 30 seconds I realised how ridiculous it was but I couldn’t backtrack!

You absolutely cannot turn this around and give HIM a lecture.

I’m not sure what you mean by this?

I understand why you did it, but I think you need to come clean, go back to the beginning and explain exactly what happened.

My newish man can be a terrible timekeeper because he also has loads of time whereas I don't. I explained it upsets me because I have no time for anything and I was spending too much of it waiting for him and he has never been more than 1-2 mins late since.

This!

I definitely wasn’t planning to lecture him! Far from it, it was going to be in the context of “I am SO sorry I did that. I really appreciate you didn’t mind. I’m horrified by it because it’s something that I’d hate someone to do to me”

It's ridiculous to get so het up over something in the past. You should've just said 'oh sorry I forgot'. I also don't know why he couldn't just still see you if you came directly from yours after you got home anyway? Unless he was only planning on spending an hour with you?

But anyway just forget about it. If he never speaks to you again over such things then he is not worth it.

Just ‘fess up. You panicked, you lied, you feel awful, you’re really sorry.

I thought it might. It was a stressful shift. Hence the forgetfulness and the bat shit worries!

You need to tell him you were so embarrassed about forgetting that you made a stupid decision to lie. I would also tell him that you would never change plans and assume you could turn up 90 minutes late without communicating with him.

If you want to set a double standard because you don't want to own up to telling a stupid lie then you are the red flag.

Put your big girl pants on and tell him the truth.

Thank you! This is what I needed!

So, if he makes what a reasonable person would consider to be a small mistake, it would ruin your day? And he needs to be warned of that? Yikes.

I meant logistically it’d ruin it. Not emotionally! Although it would make me feel shit.

I think you have 2 options basically fess up or forget it.
Personally I would fess up that you had such a stressful day at work that you forgot and you are really upset that you let him down but that’s me

Yep, also on team Fess Up here