To ask him to never to this to me the other way around?

[Chickenspit]

For context: Been with my new man 6 months.

Got home from my shift this afternoon, kicked my shoes off put the kettle and had a text from him “are you ok?!”

I was really confused and replied “dying for a cuppa but fine, why??”

To which he replied “I thought you were stopping by after work?”

I had somehow just totally forgotten we’d planned that, until he reminded me.

He’s very important to me and, on top of that, I’m super organised with my schedule. I cannot fathom how I forgot! Work stress, I think?

I was so embarrassed that I’d forgotten, that I lied and told him I’d popped home first to get something, and was going to come straight over after if he still had time later (he didn’t!).

This explanation didn’t really make sense as I live in the other direction and it’s super out of character that I wouldn’t let him know I’d be at least 90 mins behind schedule. He wasn’t at all angry was very bewildered.

Now DP is retired and doesn’t have kids, so his time is abundant which is why this didn’t bother him.

However, the other way round this is something that really would bother me. My schedule is packed all the time and my spare time is precious. 90 minutes change with no explanation would be a big thing for me.

In fact, it is probably the one thing that’d drive me mad, if he (or anyone!) did it the other way round.

I know this sounds a bit barmy but I’m worried that with my white lie, I’ve now set a precedent that this behaviour is ok.

AIBU to chat to him about it?

I’d quite like to say:

“I know this is mental but you know how I randomly didn’t show up for our plans, and didn’t tell you why until you asked….? And you didn’t seem to mind? Well if you did that to me, i’d really really really mind and it’d ruin my day, so please don’t!”

I realise this sounds trivial but it’s really bothering me!

Apologise like crazy and say how completely in the wrong you are and how sorry you are.

Go right ahead, as long as you're happy for him to think you're an utter dick.

Liars have no memory so just leave it now before you did yourself deeper, or own up.

So you want to tell him not to do something he hasn't done, despite the fact that you did it to him?

This reminds me of my wicked sister growing up, if I did something in retaliation for something she did to me, she'd scream blue murder because in her head I deserved it but she didn't

Gosh this is a leap. I haven’t done anything wicked. Nor am I wicked!

Write things down in future. Forget about this and don’t discuss it. There’s no need.

@Chickenspit but you seem to want to tell him not to ever do what you did to him today, even though he hasn't done it yet.
Your reasons being that he can deal with it and you can't, so not that big a leap.

My sister is wicked, not you

Do not say anything to him. Work on yourself and why you are overthinking so radically.

You're massively overreacting to your own mistakes.

Your theoretical response to him hypothetically doing the same in the future is also a massive overreaction. People make mistakes, as you can now attest. To tell him ithat "its a big thing", "would drive you mad", and "it would ruin your day" is an over the top response to a minor irritation. Stop sweating the small stuff!

I think you should be asking why you can't tell him the truth.

This.

I thought you were going to own your white lie, come clean, admit being embarrassed and tell the truth to prove it's not how you act or want to be treated.

But no, you're going to continue the lie but tell him "do as I say not as I do"

Er no.

Yes, exactly. You’re overreacting to what you did, and are massively overreacting to something he might or might not one day hypothetically do, for the same entirely innocent reason you did! This is only a six-months-old relationship, and if he’s retired, his time is presumably far more flexible. Are you getting so worked up about this because what it comes down to is that you were on work mode and forgot him? And you’re being massively upset in case he might just forget you?

(So emotionally)

The third option would be to apologise for your behaviour and tell him that after talking to him you have realised how nonsensical your plan of going home first was and how much it might have inconvenienced him and then maybe blame your bad planning on work stress rather than blaming forgetting on work stress (if you want to blame something). This way you don't have to fess up to lying but you can still make it clear thst you think this kind of behaviour is unacceptable.

I’d say that lying to cover your own errors is kind of a wicked trait. I mean, it’s not great it is?
I’d easily forgive a mistake; most people have a lot of stress and things slip through the net. We all do it so why would anyone actually be angry? But I wouldn’t forgive a lie. You lied to cover yourself. That’s not OK.