plan to visit parents abroad - they asked if I'd like to invite NC sibling too..

[walkingshp]

Hi there, I hope to get some advice, perspective on my situation, as I am at a loss at what to do, or how to feel about this situation. Sorry about the essay below..
I live in a different country from my parents and bought tickets to go see them - the first time DD (18 months) is visiting grandparents at their house. My mum said this is a big occasion for her as she can’t wait to show her granddaughter off to extended family, all good here. After I let her know dates for our trip, she asked if I’d like to invite my NC bother (he was the one who decided to stop contact, though we never had a close relationship).
Backstory: when I was around 7 months pregnant, my mum and dad planned to visit me. Mum called to say that my brother is also visiting the country where I live at the same time and that he might ‘surprise us’. I said to her that we don’t have a lot of space to put him up and his girlfriend too, and that I wanted to prioritize them staying over my brother – but happy to meet him for dinner. She said they already booked a hotel for themselves which they were happy to go to so that my brother could stay at mine. I did not agree to this, as I wanted to see my parents and host them, rather than my brother. Last time my brother stayed he acted very entitled (as he often does) and the way he treated his girlfriend was absolutely horrible (dismissive, calls her all sorts of names, is generally rude, I think the way they split their finances equates to financial abuse). He sponges off retired parents, they still support him financially abroad because he’s never held down a job, etc – some of the things that put me off quite a lot and make me not want to see him all that much. I did mention this to my mum, but she (and my dad) see things in a completely different way and I think they expect me to want a relationship with him anyway. This has always been difficult and it prob stems from our childhood (I was the evil child, he was kind, I was a girl, my mum wanted a boy, etc). Well, anyway, my parents arrive for their visit, my brother too. It all blew up, and he ended up being super offended at me saying he cannot stay and he needs to go to the hotel my parents had booked. No contact ever since. My parents were also extraordinary offended -mum said she felt as bad only when her father died, and my dad vowed to never come visit again. Mum proceeded to spend the remainder of the visit being ‘sick’ in bed.
Some time passed, I had my baby, managed to rekindle my relationship with my parents (somewhat), even though they said I am ‘evil’ because I did not host my brother.
Back to the present situation – I told mum that if she wants to invite my brother while we visit, that’s ok, but we’d then get an Airbnb. I am somehow not comfortable staying in the same house with him for 5 days. My mum said that that’s not an option, but that my brother knew that we were visiting and he wanted to come. Now, this is a bit baffling, because he never made an attempt to make contact with me in the last two years. I sent a message at Xmas, hoping to get a conversation going, but never received a response so thought that he is not interested in speaking. He can certainly get in contact with me if he wants, I have not blocked him.
So, what would you do? Go and visit parents, don’t invite brother? Or suck it up, ask my mum to invite him to stay at their house and put up with him for the 5 days? Another option is not to go at all as I am pregnant again and I really don’t want to re-live the massive fight that happened last time we were all together.

YABU – suck it up, invite brother, do it for the sake of my mum and give her what she desires most – to pretend that we all get along.
YANBU – don’t invite brother, go see parents only.

YANBU, but I would avoid staying with your parents. They sound volatile and untrustworthy. Anybody who thinks their own child is evil (provided said child is not a mass murderer etc) doesn't deserve a relationship with them. Think hard before involving them in your DC's life, which will make it harder to go LC/NC later.

Hardly ‘poor parents’

I probably wouldn’t go at all if he will be there.

It makes no sense at all for you to ‘invite’ your brother. He’s not visiting you, he’s visiting your parents. Your parents can invite him and you can stay at an air b and b. That is a totally normally and sensible thing to do.

No need to get into any explanations as you will be dragged into an argument. You are already compromising by agreeing to visit at the same time as your brother (many people would understandably avoid him). You are also making time for your parents and spending money on travelling to see them. That is enough willingness. There is no need to also follow orders about sleeping arrangements which don’t make sense for you. In fact there don’t make sense for any family who wants harmony. Do the rest of the family quite enjoy drama?

It’s not up to you to invite your brother or not to your parents house. It’s also not up to them to invite him to your house.

To be honest, I'd cancel the whole thing. They don't sound like they are very nice to you, and I don't see why you would put yourself through the hassle.

Spend the money doing something that will make you happy not stressed...
Your dps want to rewrite things imo. Stay away.

why do you want to visit people who think you are a evil? Your family sounds really fucked up, you really need to think about why you want such people to have a relationship with your children.

None of them sound nice, or even decent when it comes to you, so no I wouldn’t risk that kind of stress around them while pregnant and with a small child.

Clearly he’s going to turn up when you’re there and they’ll obviously trap you into it like last time, and then blame you when you’re understandably blindsided. They seem to have already cast you as the villain in their lives, why give them a front row ticket to the show? Cancel and save yourself the inevitable upset.

To be honest, I'd probably avoid it altogether. If your mum and dad are prepared to jeopardise seeing their grandchild by inviting your brother and risking a big family argument, they're not prioritising seeing you. It sounds like a dysfunctional family dynamic and you can choose to remove yourself from that and concentrate on your own little family.

It sounds like your parents and your brother are spoiling for a rematch, where they put evil you in your place for upsetting their boy.
I would refuse to go at all if your brother is going to be there. Tell them you've reached out to him already and got nothing back; that you'd like to get your relationship with him back on track before you share a visit to them with him.
TLDR don't go, they're all.out to get you

I think that, as you’re going to visit your parents, you can’t invite him. It’s up to them to decide whether they want to invite him at the same time than you. In some ways, it’s not your call.
Id also stay in an AirB&B somewhere close. A bit late, but I’d have invented a reason why you can’t stay that has nothing to do with your brother.

Your DB is obviously the Golden Child, this usually means he's your DPs favourite even though as an adult he's done nothing of value, sadly your DPs thinking he's wonderful has made him nasty and entitled but they still don't see this. They want you to invite him so if it all blows up again at their home they can blame you Op.
Frankly, your parents aren't people I'd want in my life Op, they still see you as the bad one and your DM going to bed for days because you upset your DB is past ridiculous. Have a look at the Stately Homes thread on here, I think you'll find it very informative

In this situation, I probably wouldn't go. I'd say you are tired from pregnancy and not up to travelling. DB can contact you directly if he wants to arrange a meet up in a neutral place or for a shorter day trip, but 5 days when heavily pregnant, caring for a toddler and in close quarters with someone who doesn't like you sounds hellish.

I'd cancel the visit altogether in all honesty OP. That you wrote "My mum said that that’s not an option..." shows your DM has no respect for any of your boundaries. If you truly want to go, insist on the AirBNB option because that way, you have somewhere to go if it does all kick off. No-one has the right to try to force you to have a relationship with your DB when he's clearly ignored your previous attempts to communicate.

Tell your Mum the purpose of your visit is to spend time with her, enable her time with her grand daughter etc and that you just want to keep that simple.

Say bro is welcome to make contact / respond to your messages and you will see him some other time if it works out. But best to keep this visit on mission and focusing on her being a grandparent.

Or…. Just not go and ditch the bloody lot of them.

This sounds a nightmare OP - I'd be inclined to take control of yourselves & visit & forfeit staying with your parents for your own accommodation. That way you can't be ambushed by him staying as well or in a really stressful environment for the duration of your stay. It sounds like your parents have your brother as the golden child & you're the scapegoat/baddie & don't seem capable of acknowledging your own need for a relationship with them independent of one with your brother too. It's so disappointing but they clearly aren't capable of acknowledging or working within any other boundaries other than those they impose & these are really unhealthy. If they refuse to acknowledge you if you choose to stay elsewhere then that's on them, extremely petty & pretty batshit esp as they'll be missing out what you'd think would be much longed for time with their DGC. What does stand out in your post is how much your mum can't wait to show off her GC to F&F. While a completely natural sentiment it does sound quite narc like given everything else you've said about how she treats you. Good luck!

I live in a different country from my parents and bought tickets to go see them - the first time DD (18 months) is visiting grandparents at their house. My mum said this is a big occasion for her as she can’t wait to show her granddaughter off to extended family

So she wants to play grandmother of the year, get lots of attention from her friends and other family, but calls you evil?

Is this someone (or some people) you really want around your daughter? What if you were there and so was he, and your mum insisted that he be allowed to play with and hold her? What if (when) your mum dominates DDs time, won't hand her back to you if she cries - because I bet she's that sort.

I wouldn't let her play dollies with DD, I just wouldn't go. Possibly ever again.

I wouldn't want a relationship with anyone who called me 'evil'. I certainly wouldn't be visiting them overseas as they seem absolutely determined to force you to have a relationship with your brother against your will.

It sounds like he is the golden child and you were the scapegoat from childhood so I would definitely pull back from your parents. They sound pretty awful.

If you want to go, go. But, I would be creating very strict boundaries and sticking to them.

This would involve staying elsewhere for a start. That way, your parents can be kept on a strict diet of good behaviour as you have somewhere else to go. You go to your parents house when it suits you and you come away each day when it suits you. Same goes for your brother.

If anyone tantrums comments you just say “this is what work for me”. And stick to it. The word that always quietly comes into my mind when I want what I want is “inexorable” - I will be inexorable over this.

So much this!

Get a refund on your tickets and just don't bother they are not worth it