plan to visit parents abroad - they asked if I'd like to invite NC sibling too..

[walkingshp]

Hi there, I hope to get some advice, perspective on my situation, as I am at a loss at what to do, or how to feel about this situation. Sorry about the essay below..
I live in a different country from my parents and bought tickets to go see them - the first time DD (18 months) is visiting grandparents at their house. My mum said this is a big occasion for her as she can’t wait to show her granddaughter off to extended family, all good here. After I let her know dates for our trip, she asked if I’d like to invite my NC bother (he was the one who decided to stop contact, though we never had a close relationship).
Backstory: when I was around 7 months pregnant, my mum and dad planned to visit me. Mum called to say that my brother is also visiting the country where I live at the same time and that he might ‘surprise us’. I said to her that we don’t have a lot of space to put him up and his girlfriend too, and that I wanted to prioritize them staying over my brother – but happy to meet him for dinner. She said they already booked a hotel for themselves which they were happy to go to so that my brother could stay at mine. I did not agree to this, as I wanted to see my parents and host them, rather than my brother. Last time my brother stayed he acted very entitled (as he often does) and the way he treated his girlfriend was absolutely horrible (dismissive, calls her all sorts of names, is generally rude, I think the way they split their finances equates to financial abuse). He sponges off retired parents, they still support him financially abroad because he’s never held down a job, etc – some of the things that put me off quite a lot and make me not want to see him all that much. I did mention this to my mum, but she (and my dad) see things in a completely different way and I think they expect me to want a relationship with him anyway. This has always been difficult and it prob stems from our childhood (I was the evil child, he was kind, I was a girl, my mum wanted a boy, etc). Well, anyway, my parents arrive for their visit, my brother too. It all blew up, and he ended up being super offended at me saying he cannot stay and he needs to go to the hotel my parents had booked. No contact ever since. My parents were also extraordinary offended -mum said she felt as bad only when her father died, and my dad vowed to never come visit again. Mum proceeded to spend the remainder of the visit being ‘sick’ in bed.
Some time passed, I had my baby, managed to rekindle my relationship with my parents (somewhat), even though they said I am ‘evil’ because I did not host my brother.
Back to the present situation – I told mum that if she wants to invite my brother while we visit, that’s ok, but we’d then get an Airbnb. I am somehow not comfortable staying in the same house with him for 5 days. My mum said that that’s not an option, but that my brother knew that we were visiting and he wanted to come. Now, this is a bit baffling, because he never made an attempt to make contact with me in the last two years. I sent a message at Xmas, hoping to get a conversation going, but never received a response so thought that he is not interested in speaking. He can certainly get in contact with me if he wants, I have not blocked him.
So, what would you do? Go and visit parents, don’t invite brother? Or suck it up, ask my mum to invite him to stay at their house and put up with him for the 5 days? Another option is not to go at all as I am pregnant again and I really don’t want to re-live the massive fight that happened last time we were all together.

YABU – suck it up, invite brother, do it for the sake of my mum and give her what she desires most – to pretend that we all get along.
YANBU – don’t invite brother, go see parents only.

i wouldnt go. this is off their making

It sounds like your parents are engineering a meeting with your brother probably with the idea that you will reconcile. The problem is that they are going about it in a very forced way and based on previous events it is very likely that you will end up being the guilty “evil” party.

I would tell them that you are going there to spend time with them and for them to have time with their granddaughter. Ask them to leave your brother and you to sort out your differences at another time. If they are not happy with that and want to dictate all the terms and trap you into more family tantrums, then you can suddenly develop a pregnancy condition that prevents you from traveling.

If you do decide still to visit, you need to be blunt - its an AirB&B or nothing...
Sounds like your mother wants to show off her granddaughter - and that is the only way you will be facilitating this.
At least not staying at their house won't put you in an awkward position if they or your brother revert to there previous behaviour....
Maybe tell them your daughters sleep pattern may be disturbed after a flight, and you don't want to be waking everyone in the house up when she's awake at 3am

I would also be very tempted to tell your mother that the last time you all attempted a visit it resulted in them ganging up on you, calling you evil and your brother not speaking to you. Their lack of support for you in the situation has caused this and you are keen to avoid a repeat of it.

'My mum said that that’s not an option, but that my brother knew that we were visiting and he wanted to come. Now, this is a bit baffling, because he never made an attempt to make contact with me in the last two years.'

I'd trust your own gut on this one, and I speak from my own, similar experience. Maybe I'm biased.. It sounds like it's potentially mum that would like you to get on, not your brother - and trying to engineer adult children's relationship to meet own need is unhealthy at best, plus a perfect way to break up any close bonds between siblings that remained. Stick to your boundaries and advocate for yourself and your DD.

Dear Mum, having thought on this overnight, I've decided that I'm not willing to come and see you if my DB is also going to be there. DB and I need to work on our relationship separately and not with or in front of you.
I am still happy to come but only if DB is not coming at the same time. If he's going to visit you at the same time, I'll cancel my tickets and come at a later date, as I don't want to be in the same room with him, never mind the same house. Forcing me to 'make up' with him on your timing is not going to work and will very definitely taint how I feel about you and dad (assuming it's a mum and dad).
If you can't understand this, that's a shame, but it is my decision. Let me know which you'd prefer. Love OP.

Look why on earth are you even thinking about going, do you realise how crazy that reads after you putting they think your evil ?

Just to add - if you do decide to go - to very definitely stay elsewhere - but also to be v boundaried around your mother’s contact with her DGC. Purely from the fact that she you say she’s most excited to show your DD off & impress F&F & is showing v little consideration of your feelings /boundaries in general (re brother etc & way she treats you). I would not want her to expect she will have your DD on her terms - which could be to exclude you, bask in the attention & very possibly try to include your DB in the process. As another PP has suggested - be very clear about when you choose to visit & assert contact that suits you & your DD’s sleeping & feeding routines etc. Keep us updated!

Perfect!

Hi mum, if it’s a big occasion having my daughter visit like you said, then I’m surprised you’d risk it with asking me to ask my brother and expecting us to stay in the same house. You were AWFUL to me the last time that happened, and you tricked me into it then too. I never want to be in that position again. I messaged him at Christmas and he didn’t reply - he doesn’t want a relationship.
I won’t bring my daughter into this set up where you will blame me if things don’t work out. I could book an Airbnb but you’d be angry about that too. Best we don’t come.

Thank you all for all your replies, they are very helpful. I am super tempted not to go at all to be fair, and that was my first "instinct" when I got the message about my DB. On the other hand, we have no family where we live, DPs parents are not very involved GPs, so I would like for my DD to have some sort of relationship with the side of the family that is interested in her - thus my moral dilemma. I obviously don't want this relationship to exist just for the sake of it, my DD's needs/safey come first. I guess I am just trying to think of a way in which I can provide this extended family support for my DD without the toxicity..I keep on thinking that without starting therapy this will be very difficult, as I keep on being triggered by my parents and haven't been able to work around it.

I appreciate the advice on how to portray my wishes regarding DB staying to my parents, but no amount of diplomacy will convey any other message to them than 'I hate my brother and never want to see him again' type thing. So I would rather just avoid that conversation, because it will unavoidably make me feel s^*t, and, I have enough pregnancy hormones/aches and pains to keep me busy on this front.

I realise the way I described my parents was quite tough. Yes, emotionally, they were hardly able to support me (or my DB for that matter, as while he was the nice one, he .. let's say.. did not excel academically, so he got a lot of shit becasue of that). However, practically, they have been brilliant - helped us financially a lot, provided deposits for houses, and my mum has helped a lot during my C-section recovery (albeit, as some posters have realised, she had 0 boundaries with baby, questioned everything I did, etc, which further damaged our relationship). So because they offered practical help, they feel that they can say anything without any consequences/are controlling. They are probably unware about how what they say can have any bad consequence, because they themselves come from very dsyfunctional families and did not have very good examples growing up. Because of the practical help received, I've brushed to the side the damage done by the lack of emotional support/understanding and it is only coming out now, after I've had my DD.

Finally, it is all about my DD and future little one. I feel like I need to find a way to deal with all this, for their sake. I would like to at least try before giving up completely on the relationship.

I think you are going to have to always have boundaries with your parents that include not staying in their home and their not staying in your home.That way you have your own space, can leave if things get tense etc.

It is very hard to accept that you won't have the parents you need or hope for. Your parents have shown you who they are. You need to believe them that they will put your brother first and push contact on you.

I'd book an Airbnb/hotel or cancel.

If you do travel, then have short, positive visits that meet your goal of connection but in a way that doesn't put your well-being at risk. This will need to be your new norm.

Thanks for the update @walkingshp. It sounds like as you say having your own DC is really starting to show you how unreasonable your parents have/can be. So I’m sure it may have felt a bit extreme hearing what can feel like harsh advice on here describing your mum as having narcissistic tendencies, having a golden child etc & that they have on many occasions been unable to emotionally accommodate for your needs & respect your boundaries as an individual, separate to them & their own wants & needs. It is really hard bcos of course nobody is fully black or white & they as you say each have very redeeming qualities & have looked after & cared for you in the main to the best of their ability. But from an objective pov everything you’ve described suggests quite toxic (& only too common) ways of relating which have been perhaps clouded from your awareness, by their ability to help & provide for you materially & practically. It’s all too common the way parents (often unknowingly) use financial help to ensure they gain some kind of control in their dealings with their adult kids, making them feel guilty for them being able to voice any healthy dissent, or their rights to fair & reasonable treatment to be met. Whether they realise it or not such strategies are only too obvious to those from an objective pov where guilt & anxiety inducing trips that result in you feeling obliged, responsible for or to blame, for their emotions if you do not comply, agree or appease are manipulative & commonly in the repertoire of dysfunctional families.

I think the consensus here is that you must really allow yourself to really take this on board & try not to fall back into feeling obliged or that your parents are really not all that bad - bcos it stops you from being able to assert your own healthy boundaries, or from feeling the necessary & healthy anger when they do treat you unreasonably. It’s still allowing them to emotionally manipulate you. Therapy obviously can help but timing, finances & parenting can all get in the way of it & in the meantime your boundaries are being disrespected causing continued distress.

Your reply sounds like rather than causing too much fall out & conflict you’d like to tread a path that keeps them on board & happy. Whilst this is ideal & what everyone always wants it’s only possible at the expense of your feelings. It’s you still not doing or saying anything that they will object to to save any conflict. So it’s still them getting their needs met at the expense of yours. Any boundary you assert will be met with hostility, emotionality, anger regardless. Even just small ones. You have to let them tantrum it out, have a unified front with your DH & assert your terms unemotionally & then follow through with them. If they don’t like it that’s their choice. If they cannot cope with you having a say on the way anything goes that’s their choice & problem not yours. It’s not easy & it will cause disruption but it’s the only way to protect yourself & your feelings. It’s really difficult as your parents do not seem to have any insight into how any of what they’re doing makes you feel. But @FinallyMovingHouse ‘s reply is absolutely spot on. Your mother has lied & tricked & completely disregarded your feelings. Perhaps you need to let her know how her treatment of you makes you feel. And why you are staying elsewhere etc as a result. It’s you apportioning healthy blame back to where it originated from. You can’t be constantly made out to be the one responsible.
Good luck!