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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. to want my DP to come to bed at the same time as me?

32 replies

jivegirl · 12/05/2008 19:32

So.. I am 35wks pregnant, look after a toddler all day, generally knackered as you would be.

My DP comes home from a day at work, puts DD to bed (can't complain there!) but then promptly crashes out on the sofa for 30 - 40 mins as he's just soo tired...

So when I want to try and get an early night - say in bed for 10:30, maybe 20 mins reading and aiming for lights out by 11 - of course he is wide awake and quite happy to go about his business till after midnight! I end up putting off going to bed because I know there's no point in me trying to go to sleep because a. it takes me AGES to get to sleep only for him to come up and start getting ready and wake me up (any noise travels really easily in our house).

He refuses to cut out his evening nap though! (good grief, sounds like I am talking about a bloody toddler!!)

Am I being unreasonable to want us to go to bed at the same time??

Claire

OP posts:
nickytwotimes · 12/05/2008 19:34

Lol at evening nap.

Have you tried earplugs? I use them because my dh is a night owl and he annoys me when he finally trundles up the staires!

Sallyre · 12/05/2008 19:36

YANBU!!! I wish I could make it larger. This is the main source of contention in our marriage. I tend to go to bed early - 10ish - and DH NEVER comes up earlier than 11.30-12ish by which time I'm asleep since our DS2 wakes up at 6am every morning and I need my sleep.

And he wonders why we're having "intimacy" issues? I need to be close to him - I miss cuddles at bedtime, never mind a shag.

The nap seems really unfair. I wish I had an answer for you but all I can say is I know exactly how you feel....grrrrr! And you really need to sleep as much as possible at the moment. Tell him he's a git!

2point4kids · 12/05/2008 19:39

Have you got a spare room? Maybe sleep in there for a couple of nights to make the point that you really dont want your sleep disturbed any longer.
If not, then say very clearly that you are SO tired from getting disturbed sleep at night that you are going to go to bed very early (like 8pm) to catch up. Might make him realise how tired you feel?

shinyshoes · 12/05/2008 19:46

We often go to bed at different times, me normally before him, but he does follow up shortly after abut 1/2 - 1 hour.

Last night he went to bed at 10.00 I satyed up a bit later.

Tonight he will be getting in at 11-15pm, I am not sitting up waiting for him, I'm getting in the snuggly bed around 10.00pm .

fizzbuzz · 12/05/2008 19:47

Hmm, this is like me and my dp.

He is an owl nd I'm a lark. Yes it is a pain, but apparently this tendancy to one or the other is genetic.

My dp comes to bed much later than me, but gets undressed in bathroom so as not to wake me up. Yes, I do miss going to bed together, but despite trying to readjust to each other, if I go to bed late, I am grumpy next day, if he goes to bed at the same time as me, he ends up getting up as he can't sleep

gegs73 · 12/05/2008 19:49

YANBU my DH is exactly the same and ALWAYS wakes me up. This is what we argue about most in our whole marriage!! It takes me ages to get back to sleep whilst it takes him about 2 mins, then I am knackered for the next day.

What is working for us at the moment is forcing DH to bed at the same time as me, or really late ie. 1ish so I am properly asleep. Also getting him to take his trousers off before he comes to bed, so I don't hear all the change in his pocket, bleeping of mobile phone etc. This is making me annoyed just writing about it

2point4kids ideas sound good. DH never takes me seriously and thinks its funny. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

purpleduck · 12/05/2008 19:51

We go to bed at different times. I really love it when the house is quiet at night.
As for "intimacy" - if I venture over into his side of the bed - even the smallest of a fraction, he thinks his luck's in and he is instantly awake.

Seems to work for us.

WiiMii · 12/05/2008 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tassisssss · 12/05/2008 19:54

I'm very thankful that it's rare that dh and i don't go to bed at the same time

However i'm also 35 weeks pregnant, also have a toddler (plus a pretty angelic 5 year old) and though my dh is generally wonderful and very supportive he is threatening to move to the spare room to sleep for the next few weeks as i'm sleeping so badly.

Have you spoken to him about it?

GordontheGopher · 12/05/2008 19:57

I hate going to bed at the same time as dh - takes me ages to get to sleep as he's so fidgety. He usually comes to bed at least 3 hours after me so I'm usually in a pretty deep sleep when he comes up. And yes I did say 3 hours. Dh also has an evening nap!

Countingthegreyhairs · 12/05/2008 20:02

Dh and I can never agree on bed-time plus he often has to get up very early to travel (5.00 am starts) and we started to sleep in separate rooms quite frequently. Plus he snores!!

Part of the problem is that he can stay up quite late and then fall asleep in seconds, whereas I have to have 20-30 mins in bed reading before I can drop off.

We are both as bad as one another tbh and I am just as much to blame as I am the owl in our household but I'm not consistently an owl and try to get to bed the same time as dd one night a week.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, dh and I have instigated "bed together nights" during the week (usually Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays). We may sleep together on other nights too, but those are the non-negotiable ones. Do you think that would work with your dh?

It sounds horribly prescribed and formulaic but it has been quite good for us in more ways than one !

Having said all that, at 35 wks, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and you deserve extra consideration from your dh.

cory · 12/05/2008 20:02

I couldn't bear it if dh told me when I had to come to bed quite honestly; I'd feel I was being treated like a toddler again.

Usually, we go up about the same time, but sometimes I need to work (I write) and I need to do it when the house is quiet. If he didn't let me, I'd move down into the lounge- permanently.

I'll come to bed when he does the day he promises he's going to stop snoring! I think you're bound to disturb each other in married life.

2point4kids · 12/05/2008 20:02

The more I think about it, the more I think you are not being unreasonable.

I personally need plenty of sleep and am in bed by 10pm most nights. DH is a night owl and is up till about 1am most nights. He does wake me up sometimes when he comes to bed but thats life.

However your dh seems to need about the same amount of sleep as you but he is waking you up because he insists on an evening nap! that seems unreasonable to me!

Can you sabotage his nap at all? Cook dinner while he is bathing your dc and serve it up just as he starts to nod off? Find something that needs doing urgently? etc

DiscoDizzy · 12/05/2008 20:13

I find it amusing that these DH's have evening naps. DH sometimes comes to bed later. I quite like it, get chance to read book on my own. Nice.

Keep prodding him when he's falling asleep.

Original poster
jivegirl · 12/05/2008 21:39

2point4 - if I don't let him sleep he is in a foul temper all evening. The thing that hacks me off is he says he just needs 5 minutes and it ends up being an hour.

We are finally in seperate rooms - have been for over a week now! Things are a little better, but the spare room backs onto the bathroom so when he goes to have a wash etc. the boiler comes on and the water running is really noisy.

I thought the spare room (over the kitchen) would be better than our room (over the lounge) when I'd have to come down every night and ask him to turn the TV down/put on headphones - but now I'm over the kitchen his clunking around putting things away wakes me up too!

I can't believe that couples can fall out about this.. at the moment it feels like a constant competition to see who is more tired or in more pain than the other!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
jivegirl · 12/05/2008 21:43

He point blank refuses to give up his '5 mins evening sleep' btw, even on a trial run, which feels completely unfair to me. And yet he complains constantly about being tired.. to me it is a no-brainer: GO TO BED EARLIER!!!!!

OP posts:
WiiMii · 12/05/2008 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emmabemmasmom · 12/05/2008 22:00

hehehe

Same issue here. Funny thing is though...when my DH falls asleep I just say (loud enough to wake him) 'You have GOT to be kidding me'...his eyes then open and he is all oh I am sorry...sorry...then asks when he can do to help me So then I put him to work! HA

Different thing is...he goes to work at 6 so is home by 3...he sleeps as much as me, and doesnt do more work than me (which he agrees), so no reason he can't help out.

YANBU however, as I am the same with him. My issue is I cannot sleep without him and he knows it...so he is all sweet and says he will put DD to bed and listen out for her so I can go relax and get an early night knowing I will lay there and lay there until he decides to come in. He is out like a light then DD is up for a feed and I am all pissed off!!

So, not sure how to fix the issue...but no YANBU!!!

lucyellensmum · 12/05/2008 22:03

My DP does the opposite, falls asleep upstairs with DD, then comes down and falls asleep on the sofa, doesnt come up til about 1-2am and fecking well wakes me up

lucyellensmum · 12/05/2008 22:05

why are you in separate rooms? and if you are then why on earth do you want him to come up at the same time???? very confused

emmabemmasmom · 12/05/2008 22:07

And yeah...he is an adult...but he also lives with this adult and that means compromise and consideration.

WiiMii · 12/05/2008 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emmabemmasmom · 12/05/2008 22:15

Actually there is...I go to bed, he says he will be in shortly...I get to read, he plays xbox...then he comes in 30 min later and there you go...he wouldn't let me hang until after 12 as he knows I can't sleep and I wouldn't tell him to come to bed or not to do what he wants. I call that compromise and a lot of consideration on his part which I appreciate and in turn do things for him which he appreciates.

spicemonster · 12/05/2008 22:16

Have you tried earplugs? I think that you might be a bit cross about it and that means you're not sleeping. Being cross is a bugger for trying to sleep.

My ex DP worked evenings and was supposed to get home at midnight. If he didn't get in by ten past, I'd get crosser and crosser and still be awake when he came home. Eventually I started taking Nytol and it helped me break the pattern

branflake81 · 13/05/2008 10:57

We are in the same position. I go to bed quite early and he likes to stay up. But I'm lucky in that I normally don't wake up when he comes to bed. In fact, I find if we go to bed at the same time I can't get to sleep because of his breathing!