To think that people who constantly cut others off for being “toxic” are actually just unbearable themselves?

[UniqueOlivePombear]

If you’ve had to “remove negativity” from your life five times this year, maybe you’re the common denominator.

Perhaps or perhaps you come from a dysfunctional background which means you find it hard to spot red flags or be assertive.

Like so many things in this world the answer is
It depends on the the surrounding context

It might not be true of everyone, of course, but it’s certainly true of the ones I know.

Same goes for the people who can never stick with a job due to ‘bullying’. Almost always their issue.

For me, yes.

I realised I was the problem. I was the common denominator.

I was the “yes” girl, the push over, people pleaser. I was the one letting the negativity in, and constantly moaned about it.

I realised I was being toxic to myself and in turn toxic to others because I wouldn’t be honest about my feelings.

I’ve cut people off now and realised what’s / who’s right for me and who isn’t.

Taking ownership is a huge thing but I fully agree, in some cases you can be the issue.

Yes, although not always in exactly the way you mean

I realized (due to trauma) that I had a tendency to put up with lots of intolerable behaviour from people until they bulldozed all my boundaries and only at that point would I snap and cut them out. I have realised it is actually a kindness to people (and my relationship with them) to start pushing back long before they have completely trashed our relationship. But the other people also should never have taken advantage of my or my good nature like that.

Perhaps, but then it's a net win/win, because then the "cut off" party is down one toxic source of irritation in their lives as well 👌

Sorry @Lilaccrystals I meant to quote the op

YANBU In all my 37 years I've removed one person from my life because, on reflection, they were not treating me very nicely.

The situation was toxic or as I prefer to call it - unhealthy, but they themselves were not toxic. Few people are.

I tend to agree. Yes sure there are situations where someone needs to cut off a number of toxic relatives. But if you are really the one constantly falling out with people and regularly going no contact with random friends, it's probably you.

It's a win win, as per PP.

I know two different people for which whom their lives would be much better cutting 3-4 people i could name out, these friends/family treat them terrible (and no, these aren't 'two sides to every story' situations) but they are so indoctrinated by the cult of 'family means putting up with shit behaviour' and 'be kind' that they continue to be punching bags and lap dogs for these awful people

Yes I agree, if you are the constant denominator, it’s not unreasonable at all to consider that you are, in fact, the problem to begin with.

I find this with some people too.
I know that nobodies perfect, but I'd love to hear the other side of the coin sometimes

I think this quite often when I read threads on MN about marital issues. I would so love to hear the other side of the story.

This. I can speak from experience.

Went through a difficult 2 years recently (unprocessed trauma, divorce, bad relationship) and due to bad boundaries/people pleasing being ramped up during that period made friends with 5 people who were just wrong for me and increased my anxiety tenfold with the friendship dynamics.

So what happened? Instead of realising they weren't good for me, I took all that was thrown at me from them until I exploded at each of them in turn.

Result: all 5 are gone from my life, my mental health is much improved (also with help of therapy and lifestyle changes) and I can now look back and realise I shouldn't have been friends with these people.

They will happily tell you I'm the toxic one (5 times, how could I not be right?). And perhaps to an extent I was as I put myself in those situations. But at least I have the ability to self reflect and can move on from it. Also, I have several good friends, some of whom I have known decades. They bring me peace. Those 5 new people did not.

On the other hand I also have had to break with my mother and sister a while back due to childhood abuse.

So yeah, I've broken with a few people in my life. But not on a whim. And I'm surrounded by many wonderful people.

It's not always so simple is it.

There are some people who just want to be surrounded by enablers and yes men and cut off anyone who disagrees with them. These are the people who, when they say they’ve cut someone out for being toxic/ bringing negative energy, I am 99% sure it’s them that’s the problem and not the other person. People are not being “negative” when they’re advising you against repeated self- destructive behaviour. They’re trying to help you.

Hmm, tbh I’ve wondered this with people I know who don’t have any relationship whatsoever with several close family members - and where it even extends to several of their in-laws eventually.

Of course it could be true too that they’re just surrounded by arseholes which would be very unlucky but I do think the people I know like this can also be unreasonable/unkind in different ways. My husband thinks it’s a ‘them’ problem after seeing what they’re like.

So I’m inclined to agree in a lot of cases… But there will be some with problematic families.

This 100%. People who have never experienced healthy relationships/ friendships will continue to attract and engage in people who are unhealthy for them. They know nothing else .

Unless all 5 are part of the same group, led by one, and the others are used as ‘flying monkeys’ against this person etc.

If they are not connected individuals, you are probably right.

Impossible to know in the situation involved without the details though.

I think some people can attract negative patterns due to their own psychological issues. So yes the behaviour they experience from others may well be toxic, that's not to say they are just making it up. But something in them is 'letting it in'. This is not to excuse the toxicity of the perpetrator.

In my case they were all in the same group, more or less. It was a dramatic mess and I can't tell you the peace I have now. And I'll never EVER let anyone bulldoze my boundaries like that again. But equally I won't explode anymore. I'll just respectfully state my boundaries and walk away if I have to.

As @Lilaccrystals has already explained, I think in a lot of cases when people flounce and do a lot of "blocking and deleting" all over the place its usually due to neediness, unrealistic expectations and poor boundaries.

I'm always struck by how many people on these threads go on about how many friends they've been "let down" by and they are therefore never having a friend again etc etc. When you unpack what's actually happened there's normally a ridiculous level of expectation put on the friend which is unsustainable.

A lot of people need to learn to be more self-reliant and stop treating friends as someone to plug all the gaps in their self-esteem. The less you rely on friends, the easier it is to make them.

The personality traits/behaviours I’ve seen in “serial cutter offers”, shall we say, are:

Spoiltness and entitlement - just good old fashion selfishness and an inability to consider how their behaviour affects others

Avarice

Being rude and overly opinionated and being able to offend even the most laidback people

I know someone who fell out with multiple friends. She seemed charming and social on the face of it, but gradually showed herself to be someone who wanted it all her own way and who took the piss, and also had a vindictive side to her. I have virtually nothing to do with her now.

And I've known another similar - would live somewhere, make enemies, move, repeat pattern. He never held the same job for more than about 4 years for the same reason.

Now and then people have to distance themselves from toxic families or large groups of friends, and that is understandable, but if someone has a pattern of falling out with people that repeats over the years, I tend to avoid them from the off.

Beautifully put. I really identify with this. Early life reasons. I've worked hard on boundaries and consistency (including with family) and benefitted enormously including from much better relationships and friendships. I've got one last residual 'toxic' friendship. She's not a terrible person but very troubled. I won't jettison her (she doesn't live close by anyway) but goodness me I recognise the issues now and stand my ground. I would never announce ending friendships but I've let several go over the years for similar reasons and the new ones are so very different. Not perfect by any means but not these self centred, mercurial types I used to gravitate towards wholly for my own reasons. It's so refreshing but I'm having to learn to open up on an ongoing basis.

I recently experienced this, i had a friend ( more of an acquaintance really) who always talked about all these people that were toxic to her, only for her ( and her family) to actually turn out to be really manipulative in situations, playing the victim etc and then i suddenly understood, the toxicity came from them.

I do think that all people have 'their people' and i have always happily stayed with my small circle of 'my people'