I'm feeling like my dcs should be doing more for themselves. I realise all children are different, have different capabilities and develop at different rates. Maybe these things are normal, and I am expecting too much, or are they running rings around dh, and I? I feel like it is the latter.
At what age did your dc get up with an alarm clock, get their school uniform on, and come down for breakfast? How much involvement did you have?
When I was 8, I did it all, but I am NT, so I understand it was alot easier for me, and those were different times. I grew up with a depressed dm who laid in bed every morning. This meant I grew up quicker, brought her a cup of tea before school from 8 years old, other people would take me to school, or I would walk with my sibling etc. I didn't eat breakfast half of the time, nobody was there to ensure I did. Due to this, it is very important to me, that I am there fully for my dcs in the morning. I love being there for them, this isn't the issue whatsoever.
Dc1 has just turned 8, and the other is 5. The 8 year old is ND with autism and ADHD; he struggles with anxiety which can be challenging. He is very intelligent and academically where he should be at school, if not a head in some areas. He is an absolute whizz on computers to the point he is better than some adults. He is full of facts and can tell you to the finer detail about them on repeat. He is a lovely kid, polite and sensible. The thing I am struggling with is getting him to follow instructions at home without having an autistic melt down. If he doesn't want to do things, or isn't interested in something he will outright refuse to do it, or take an eternity to carry it out, despite being more than capable of the action I am asking him to do. He hates to follow instructions, it doesn't matter how early we get up, it just takes such a long time. He will make it so difficult to the point time runs out and I have no choice but to do it for him. Then he will complain through this, and want feelings reaffirmed, "I love you Mum, do you love me, I'm stupid etc."
I have a visual timetable for mornings, dc1 understands this well, and knows he needs to go to the toilet, brush his teeth, dress his bottom half, (I do his tops), as he has sensitivities with this so I have to put them on like the speed of light. Then I send him downstairs to get a smoothie out of the fridge and watch some tv (he enjoys this part, and likes the independence because it is something he 'wants' to do), while I then get the 5 year old ready. This is all I expect of dc1, he did it a couple of times and I was over the moon thinking finally, but now we are back to square 1. He is procrastinating and wandering. He'll either want a long cuddle or faff around to the point I can't leave him and have to supervise instructing him to do X,Y, and Z. He then gets upset because he doesn't like being told what to do and when to do it; it has to be on his terms.
Now my 5 year old is copying and saying he can't do it in regards to getting ready; he was very keen and independent wanting to do these things from 2. However, now he is copying dc1. Mornings are stressful, and I don't think I can go on this way.
5 year old is NT, takes ages to get up, I take him to the bathroom make sure he goes to the toilet, I then brush his teeth, get him fully dressed, bring him downstairs. I then make their breakfasts, and I have to remind them constantly to eat them. I tell them they need to hurry and finish breakfast. They ignore me, then say they're eating it. Then I will say shoes on, and they both ignore me. I end up raising my voice and saying, "Come on, dcs, we're going to be late for school." Then 8 year old will hit himself in the face say it's his fault, and be on the verge of a melt down. Sometime he'll tell me he hates me too, just because I'm trying to get them to school on time. I even have to put their shoes on, because they'll complain. Dc2 is a little more willing to help sometimes. It is exhausting, and it feels like they should be a bit more independent by now. They'll do their coats at least. At this point we're running out of the door, and I have to repeatedly tell my 8 yr old that I love him, that he isn't stupid and to stop raising his fists to his face. The younger one is easier this way, and I try to give him attention as well so that he isn't left out, then then dc1 one tells me I love him better, despite him getting more attention on the whole, because he is so demanding and attention seeking. Often we are walking down the street with dc1 telling me he hates me, or hates himself. I feel like an utterly useless Mother.
Does anybody have experience of this? I'm drained by it, and exhausted before we even get out of the door. I'm not shouty, but do raise my voice as a last resort (more a firmer tone), but not shouting or anything like that. I honestly don't know what on earth more I can do.
I do want to add that some days are better than others (but most are like the above).
Edited to say: I am sorry this is so long. I understand if nobody reads it all.