Wanting to work part time

[AmIJustLazy]

Hi everyone,
I've been working full-time in a highly stressful job since my daughter was 11 months old. I'm the head of a core department in a struggling secondary school, teaching over half of Year 11 and half of Year 10. I'm also the only member of my department who does form time, lunch time, and after-school interventions. The workload is relentless, and I am in the building from 7 AM to 5 PM every day. I also work once DD is in bed and on Saturday while she is at a club.
Childcare is always a struggle, but I am lucky to have a lot of family support. However, I feel like I am missing out on so much because I never get to do school runs or attend assemblies. We are lucky my husband, mum, MIL or FIL have always been able to attend.
Recently, I was diagnosed with a chronic autoimmune disease, so I spend a lot of time in hospital or running around after prescriptions. This condition is brought on by stress and stress can make symptoms worse.
I'm desperate for another baby but can't imagine I'll conceive when I'm this stressed. My DH says we can look at part time after maternity leave.
We save £1850 a month, so I feel like I could afford to drop a day of work. I'm obsessed with the idea and find myself resenting people who work part-time. AIBU to want to work part-time and prioritize my health and family?
Any advice or insights would be greatly appreciated!

I have literally no idea why anyone would work full time with young children, while saving nearly £2K a month. I would definitely work 3 days a week, do all your prep and marking in the other 2 days, and have weekends and evenings off work.

You can be money rich or time rich, but the vast majority of us have to chose one or the other.

Working part time is a perfectly reasonable and valid choice if you can afford it. You can request 80%, you may not get it but you can ask.
Do you feel you may have lost some perspective here?

Went I went back to work after having DD I was earning a lot less and was a single parent. I had also never worked in a school or college when anyone was part time. I didn’t know it was an option.

I was with you until i got to the bit where you are saving £1,850. I get that financial security is wonderful but with young children I'd drop a day of work & acceor reducing that. They are only little once

I know and I feel so guilty because I’m never the one to do mum things. I wish I had known part time was an option when I first went back to work. I had moved area so it was a totally knew job. I just didn’t know it was a thing for teachers.

I just didn’t know it was a thing for teachers

I'm surprised this passed you by; I know loads of part time teachers!

Now you know it's a thing, why don't you just request to go part time from September?

Yes you should go part time but why can’t you go to assemblies etc? Do you not request the time off?

The department I worked in before was all women in their early twenties and very career driven.
I want to but my husband said to wait so I have more money on maternity but I can’t imagine get pregnant this stressed.

Same applies to dad if he wants it, right?

Sounds like your husband isn’t happy about funding you to be part time when your daughter isn’t his. :-/

Your husband told you to wait? Honestly 🤦🏻‍♀️. You’re right, it would be difficult to conceive with this level of stress. How old is your daughter now?

Saving nearly £2k a month is not worth the lack of time with your daughter and the level of stress you’re under. You could put the part time request in now, but it might not be considered/ honoured until September.

She’s six. It’s honestly so unlike him. His own mother never worked when he was growing up- his dad has a very good job and he wants to start his own company and said his dream is to do that so his sister can work part time so she never has to leave her baby and work full time. I felt a bit like saying “I’ll go fuck myself then” but that seemed like an overreaction because the whole situation is hypothetical!

Why dont you ask for a temporary time of part time working to figure out your work life balance. This would be flexible working. Then review after x period of time, this gives you the flexibility to go back full time for more money if you become pregnant for example but also helps you figure things out not in a permanent way which can be daunting. I did this in the NHS and it worked well for me to help me decide what was best to do.

he wants to start his own company and said his dream is to do that so his sister can work part time so she never has to leave her baby and work full time

How odd?! He doesn't feel like that about you working?

Ouch!

Please cut back on the work you are currently doing eg interventions to get some back some much needed time to rest during the day.

I would definitely try and scale back your hours, and spend the time with your daughter. She is growing up fast, and once they get to about 10-11, they don't want you around so much any more!
The worst case scenario is that you don't manage to fall pregnant again... and then you really would regret not having had that time with your child, if she's the only one you end up having!
What you need to be prepared for, though (and I say this as someone who has worked part time!), is:

1. the school assemblies, plays, sports days etc don't necessarily fall on your days off.
2. You will have to set very clear boundaries. The worst case scenario is for you to do 5 days work but be paid for 3. Nobody will do it for you, you will need to do it yourself, and hold yourself to it. It's easier said than done. Especially if you seem to be doing more work than others even on 5 days in your current role, you may be letting yourself be a bit of a 'pushover' (in the nicest possible way)?

I think your husband doesn't see the need for your DC who isn't his child, and probably wants you to keep earning to take the pressure off himself, if his current earnings are a bit uncertain (which they would be if he is setting up his own business). Trust your gut, and push back.

@EndlessTreadmill You are right about setting boundaries.
My husband is a wonderful figure in my child’s life. He takes her to school every day, takes annual leave to attend her assemblies (obviously I don’t have that luxury as a teacher) pays half of everything for her and has never, ever questioned picking up any extra responsibility.
I am honestly surprised he is so unsupportive of this as he is normally my biggest cheerleader. The own business is mainly a pipe dream- he is very well thought of at work and I think he will progress.
I did have a better work life balance a few months ago but we now have new SLT and have had to combine several KS4 classes.

Sorry if I judged him unfairly then.

I do think men don't have the same longing to be with their child.
I went back 5 days/wk after I had my DS (and went back far too quickly, long story), and I would literally feel sick at the thought of not being with him (I had asked for part time, but was turned down... this was 15 years ago, hopefully things would be different now). To this day, when I talk about it , it brings tears to my eyes, I literally had a physical craving to be with him, which I had to suppress.
And even now my children are older (between 15 and 9), I miss them when they are at school, and look forward to their coming back, and same at weekends if they are away. My DH loves them and is very involved with them, but doesn't feel the same in this way.
So, your DH probably just doesn't get how you are feeling. (Also, I think men sometimes don't seem to get as stressed as women do, tying themselves in knots?). I would have thought the biggest argument to convince him, assuming he is keen to have his own DC which I imagine he would be based on your description, is to say it is stopping you from falling pregnant.

Yanbu OP however is there anything you can also change in your working hours? Eg you say "I'm also the only member of my department who does form time, lunch time, and after-school interventions.", is this something that should really be shared around? Is there anything you can delegate here?

Also it might make you less stressed to go part time and you will see more of your child on that day..but you know that you will still miss the majority of assemblies, sports day etc unless your school is really flexible on your days off or your child's school has a set pattern of activities

Definitely try and go part time if you can. I went from full time to part time after my son was born. Money is tight but for us the nursery fees would've been more than my wage so it didn't make sense to go back full time:
I've just had my second and will also go back part time. It's a great balance and I get a lot of time with the babies.
We don't manage to save anything though, but we wouldn't if I was full time either. We just about get by, it's not easy.

Does your husband want a baby?

The cost of childcare shouldn’t be based on your wages alone. #EverydaySexism.

You’re now clobbering yourself in terms of earning potential and pension while your husband carries on as though nothing has changed.

I mean you can definitely go part time. Who does the stuff at home??? I don’t see why he gets to say yes or no to be honest. I’d be explaining clearly why you are doing it. What kind of partner would not want their partner to avoid a burnout where possible and take sensible steps to put their health and well being first, aswell as it being affordable and thought through?? His response tells you a lot about what he thinks about you imo. Holding another baby over your head like a carrot for ‘a rest’ already makes me think he’s a twat. I think you should think carefully about having another baby with him to be honest. You know that the workload of two will be mad as well as his expectation of you AND still four days a week at such a high pressure job? I wouldn’t do those things if you paid me loads and loads of money. Be careful about boxing yourself in. I’d even be looking for a new job to be honest unless you really love it. Lots of luck to you x