DD pretending to be older online

[allbuttroubled1]

I have found out that My dd (13) is pretending to be older (20+) online. she doesn't go into adult meaning porn etc spaces but I realised that she has been lying about her age to get friends and is presenting as much older. I don't know what she gains by doing this but I am very puzzled by it. Does this count as catfishing?
I've confiscated her phone to scrutinise it for now... AIBU for everything?

WOW. This is not to be taken lightly imo. She needs no phone at all and no access to the internet. She is super vulnerable and this situation needs nipping in the bud now. Make absolutely certain she hasn’t sent any photos etc to anyone op. She is likely under age limit for some social media so be very very wary here.. you need to keep communication open and trust there so she can come to you openly… I really think you need to be careful to not underestimate the potential dangers here. Good luck x

She could have adjusted her age to bypass social media restrictions - if her accounts are two years old, eg she was 11 and set an age of 18

But the danger remains - others will think that she is an adult

I have 13 year old in the same boat, altho not 20 but still saying older. I've took her phone away, rationed the time, put security etc believe me they find a way to go onto sm. as much as it kills me to say it's a losing battle, phones are now an integrated part of their lives and I've admitted defeat. I still go thru her phone, she got it back recently and it comes out her room at bedtime and she knows I will check it every night. I have went thru months of fights, arguments, she even was sneaking our phones on middle of the night or stealing my iPad. She's not clued up enough to realise I get notifications . Kids are addicted to having a phone at their hands now. Schools use then for homework and communications. I'm sorry but the apps online, blocking them, they find a way to get back on.

She's proven herself to not to be old enough to have an online presence OP. Remove the phone, get her one of the new nokias with a little more than basic functions. It's for her own good, she's too immature and vulnerable.

You are the parent. Let her tantrum all she wants.

Where online is she pretending to be 20+?
How do you know she isn't going into inappropriate adult places?

Get her a brick phone. If she needs a homework app, she can use yours.

I suspect her self esteem has become reliant on being consistently complimented by old males.
Check if she's sent anyone photos.

As PP said, I think a brick phone going forward is the way, I’d be really concerned she’s been talking to men pretending she’s older and potentially sending pictures, does she have Snapchat? Which apps has she been pretending to be older on?

That behaviour is because she's addicted, like a smackhead if you took their stash. Giving the phone back is crazy.

@Piyr It's only with online friends she's had for a long time so like one discord server and potentially twitter, but as far as I've checked there has been zero interaction with men and she's only posting pictures of collections and such.
No snapchat but she joined a gaming server on discord that led to a web of lies being out of control, she has an entirely different 20+ persona online, she has social media accounts for this persona etc. It must get tiring but she's lied about her age for a long time - like when she was 9 she was pretending to be 13 etc

I don't think the problems here are just about sexual exploitation, and I'm not sure I'd worry that much about photos (she doesn't want people to know she's 13 and photos are probably going to be a massive giveaway). But I do think 13 just isn't mature enough to be engaging with adults on adult terms. I spent a lot of time interacting with adults online as a young teenager and although nothing overtly sexual ever happened I don't think it was really appropriate, I wouldn't have been socialising with adults in the same way irl, and I wasn't fully equipped to deal with questionable behaviour.

YANBU, she's too immature to be trusted and probably not just online. In your shoes I'd look into getting her therapy as this has been going on for some time. She finds the behaviour rewarding and can't understand the risk she's taking.

Nine!

I've got two older teen daughters. I genuinely would not give them internet access for the next few years if I had discovered this.

There's more to life than the internet. She mist not be happy with who she is if she's invented another persona. She needs to do more things. Interesting things. Go to cities, go to exhibitions, take her to out of the box stuff like Roller Derby.

I think really you need to figure out why she is doing it and for what purpose, some can be harmless, others can be harmful. I’m in my 20’s now and I know my friends & I did this when we were young. I did it to access Facebook, made under my real name but had to change my age to be allowed an account, it had all my own photos on and everybody I had on there was friends/family, they all knew it was me so although I suppose you could say I was lying about my age I wasn’t doing anything that was going to get myself hurt or make myself a target if that makes sense.

But I did have friends who lied about their ages for other reasons and one in particular ended up really quite stuck. She’d been posting on gaming chats/forums and giving out her Kik (don’t know if that is still a thing?) and had been having lots of conversations with men who all thought she was 18+ and the chat/images shared reflected that.

I’d be focusing on getting to the bottom of the “why” and explaining the issues to her before she gets herself or somebody else in trouble

It’s finally being recognised how dangerous the online world is for vulnerable teens who are easily manipulated. If you can, pick up yesterday afternoon’s programming on LBC, it was dedicated to online safety. Lots of good advice.

She shouldn’t have unsupervised access going forward. She will rage against it because she’s addicted and will suffer withdrawal. Be strong and don’t give in, whatever her reaction. She will suffer a great deal more if you do.

Good luck.

She's always been quite mature for her age honestly, which is why I'm not surprised she's doing this. It's just that she's acting out this persona SO well!! anyone been in a similar situation??

she doesn't go into adult meaning porn etc spaces but I realised that she has been lying about her age to get friends and is presenting as much older

Pretending to be in her 20s in order to make friends and actively interact with adults online is a lot more dangerous than passively viewing some porn. You should probably be a lot more worried about this than you are, to be honest.

As for what she gets out of it, what she gets out of it is likely a combination of:

a) playing a child's game of 'let's pretend to be grown-ups' in which she has created a fantasy of an adult life for herself
b) getting a kick out of manipulating others with her fake personas
c) peeking into the lives of adults, including aspects to which she wouldn't usually be privy as a child
d) being flattered by adult attention.

She is too young for discord really, she’s not interacting with real life friends just using a chat room to talk to strangers, I’d put a block on her using that and really cut back on tech and much more closest supervise, none of this sounds healthy, it’s not just a case of a one off lie oh “oh I’m 20” if there a whole range of social media accounts she’s created.

i wouldnt let her have a smart phone currently and really closely monitor internet usage and no discord and see if there’s any hobbies/things she can get into after school etc that are with kids her age and real life friends

I would be dubious of these online friends…. I don’t think a 13 year old can put on a convincing 20 year old?? I’m thinking back to myself at 13 and no way. Also get her off Discord, she is way too young.

I have experience - I was the child in this situation 10 + years ago.

The fake age did attract a lot of very inappropriate attention. "Friends" online made sexual jokes, comments etc that they wouldn't have done if they knew I was younger.

I was exposed to a lot that I absolutely should not have been.

Even on online games, by pretending I was older I ended up in situations that made me uncomfortable like role playing sexual encounters that meant I was exposed to a lot of language and themes that I should not have been at 12/13 years old.

Please protect your daughter from this. Remove her access immediately - she is not yet mature or developed enough to be exposed to these things.

The thing is she finds it hard to make friends, has no friends and can only socialise online. Her friends I've seen online have been non-sexual and genuinely good people, of course i could be missing something here but I don't know what else to do.

The thing is she finds it hard to make friends, has no friends and can only socialise online.

Making friends online is always going to be the easier option, I'd really help her make friends in real life, its a skill, being able to make real friends that will help her through life. I would really really work with her to make real life friends and cut off the discord stuff for now, try lots of hobbies, see what sticks, she will find her real life group, but not if all she's focusing on is make believe with online friends. Her online friends aren't really her friends, they're friends with a pretend version of DD that doesn't even exist.

Why can she only socialise online? That’s just not true.

As others have said she has shown that she is not ready for this online access, so you remove it. Help her to socialise and communicate with people in real life. You have absolutely no idea who these online people are, look at your daughter as a prime example of that. If someone looked at her “friends” messages they’d seen they were chatting to a 20 year old yet they aren’t, you cannot take anything at face value. The profile you think is harmless and ”genuinely good people” might be Mary age 18 volunteers at animal rescue but could well be Gary age 45 who is on the sex offenders register.

You have and are letting her down massively here.

Why have you allowed her to have online access and to create this older online persona since she was 9 years old?

No wonder she can't make friends in real life.
The unmonitored internet access needs to stop, the fake profiles need to be deleted and you need to work on building your daughters self confidence and identity in real life before it's too late. What other interests does she have? Does she do any clubs/activities?

Are you the daughter in this situation?

This thread is not ringing true to me OP. You seem very unbothered about a 13 year old posing as a fully grown adult and having serious friendships with strangers (also presumably adults) online.

By the way, whether you are the child or not, having a fake online persona is not ‘mature’. It’s actually quite obvious that the child is immature and does not understand the dangers of what they are doing. Quite scary is their mum possibly doesn’t understand this either.