To despair that I can’t leave baby

Fruitpop · 2025-03-09T20:05:42+00:00

Posting here for traffic and because I’d really appreciate advice. I have a 5 month old baby and an overnight work trip that I’d really like to go on (still on mat leave, but the trip is a fun thing). It would be hard to leave baby, but it would be really good for me to have a break and a bit of fun. DH has tried doing bedtime for the last couple of nights with expressed milk and baby just wails and won’t take the bottle (which she’ll happily take for daytime feeds from DH and grandparents). DH took extended leave when she was born and regularly looks after her on weekends days for hours so I can do a hobby. In short, she’s used to DH caring for her, but I usually do bedtime. I’d be really grateful for advice (and just comfort that this won’t last forever). I’m sad that the trip may not happen, but also a bit panicked that I may not be able to so much as spend an evening out for the foreseeable (no dinner with friends/drink with a pal), while my husband can live a near-normal life. The inherent unequalness of parenting is hitting hard this evening…

StillweriseLH · 09/03/2025 20:07

Were you in the house when DH tried? I found one of mine wouldn’t take a bottle from DH if I was at home as they “knew” the better option was technically available.

Ponderingwindow · 09/03/2025 20:09

It is hard. People don’t like to admit that the his is one area where we can’t really split things equally.

it doesn’t last forever. I know that doesn’t help when you are stuck.

Amanitacae · 09/03/2025 20:09

Just go on the trip. Your baby will be safe, warm, cuddled and loved (and will go to sleep eventually).

biscuitsandbooks · 09/03/2025 20:11

You need to leave the house completely. Of course baby won't settle if they know you're around.

Penguinmouse · 09/03/2025 20:12

When is the trip? I would keep persevering if you can. Around bedtime, make sure not to be in the house, even if you’re just sitting in the car outside. Somehow babies know! But if you can get baby feeding at bedtime from someone but you, it will be liberating. You’ve got this, you just need to let the baby adjust.

Original poster

Fruitpop · 09/03/2025 20:18

Penguinmouse · 09/03/2025 20:12

When is the trip? I would keep persevering if you can. Around bedtime, make sure not to be in the house, even if you’re just sitting in the car outside. Somehow babies know! But if you can get baby feeding at bedtime from someone but you, it will be liberating. You’ve got this, you just need to let the baby adjust.

In less than a week, so not long. But I guess we do have the rest of the week to try…

I was in the house (and helped with getting bottle and dummy ready, and left the room just before feeding started). So this is helpful advice - I’ll be much more hands off/out the house for the next try. She is suddenly so much more aware and alert - she will have noticed me being there and then stepping out at the vital moment.

OP posts:

TY78910 · 09/03/2025 20:21

Amanitacae · 09/03/2025 20:09

Just go on the trip. Your baby will be safe, warm, cuddled and loved (and will go to sleep eventually).

I second this. Baby will eventually take the bottle as they will be v hungry.

You know she can take the bottle as she does so already so you don't need to worry about rejecting the teat etc

Ferrazzuoli · 09/03/2025 20:23

I went on my friend's hen night in this situation, because I really didn't want ti miss it. Guess what... she cried for a bit but she dis eventually take the bottle. She'll be fine OP.

DappledThings · 09/03/2025 20:26

It isn't forever. You might have to miss this trip, I would have done as I hated trying the bottle option and overnight seemed like a step too far for a breastfed baby at that age, but it won't be too long in the grand scheme of things.

I had a few evenings out by about 6 months and was able to be away for a whole night by a year or so. Which might sound like forever now but it goes fast.

Waterlilysunset · 09/03/2025 20:28

I would personally miss the trip. We tried and realised baby was desperate for me for quite some time. Would scream himself silly.
it was my own hen do when baby was 9 months old and I still could only leave him for say 8 hours during the day.
It seemed like it lasted forever but it didn’t, he must have been 18 months and it was fine to leave him.

Penguinmouse · 09/03/2025 20:31

Fruitpop · 09/03/2025 20:18

In less than a week, so not long. But I guess we do have the rest of the week to try…

I was in the house (and helped with getting bottle and dummy ready, and left the room just before feeding started). So this is helpful advice - I’ll be much more hands off/out the house for the next try. She is suddenly so much more aware and alert - she will have noticed me being there and then stepping out at the vital moment.

Show quote history

Given your baby can take a bottle during the day, I’d try again. It’s different from not being able to take a bottle at all. Be out before the process starts and then just come back into the house once it’s done. If you try tomorrow and the day after and it’s still a nightmare, make a decision but definitely try again.

Parker231 · 09/03/2025 20:37

Amanitacae · 09/03/2025 20:09

Just go on the trip. Your baby will be safe, warm, cuddled and loved (and will go to sleep eventually).

This - go on your trip and have a good time. Your baby will be well looked after by her father and take a bottle as she has done previously.

Psychologymam · 09/03/2025 20:37

This time will pass and quicker than you think although it feels intense in the moment.
if you really want to go, bring your DH along with you and you pop up and down to the hotel room.

OhHellolittleone · 09/03/2025 21:00

Baby is 5 months. What’s the rush?! I’m no crazy, inseparable parent, but I wasnt
going on overnight trips at 5 months. The years are short, it’s not a big deal to miss a trip.

Parker231 · 09/03/2025 21:02

OhHellolittleone · 09/03/2025 21:00

Baby is 5 months. What’s the rush?! I’m no crazy, inseparable parent, but I wasnt
going on overnight trips at 5 months. The years are short, it’s not a big deal to miss a trip.

The OP wants a break and to go on the trip.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/03/2025 21:03

I think you should just go and enjoy the trip.

But obviously keep persevering first , don’t go back to you just doing it.

I agree with those saying go out of the house, maybe a little while in advance.

TomatoSandwiches · 09/03/2025 21:09

Baby will eventually give in and take the bottle from dad, I say go and let your husband handle things, it will boost his confidence and give you a well earned break.

Original poster

Fruitpop · 09/03/2025 21:14

OhHellolittleone · 09/03/2025 21:00

Baby is 5 months. What’s the rush?! I’m no crazy, inseparable parent, but I wasnt
going on overnight trips at 5 months. The years are short, it’s not a big deal to miss a trip.

Everyone has to do what’s right for their family - that was right for you, this is right for me.

That said, I can’t imagine someone giving my DH the same advice.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fruitpop · 09/03/2025 21:16

Psychologymam · 09/03/2025 20:37

This time will pass and quicker than you think although it feels intense in the moment.
if you really want to go, bring your DH along with you and you pop up and down to the hotel room.

We explored this but unfortunately not possible (for various reasons - don’t need to drown you in the detail!)

OP posts:

Psychologymam · 09/03/2025 21:21

Fruitpop · 09/03/2025 21:14

Everyone has to do what’s right for their family - that was right for you, this is right for me.

That said, I can’t imagine someone giving my DH the same advice.

Show quote history

No but you’re breastfeeding. Mine wouldn’t take a bottle so regardless of how feminist I want to be, my husband could physically leave and I couldn’t. It’s really not the same when only one parent can provide food!
If you want to change to bottle feeding and baby will agree, then it’s much easier to leave (try eatfeedspeak as lots of people seem to get on well with her advice). But if they don’t, this phase will pass and you will have freedom again in very short period of time.

Psychologymam · 09/03/2025 21:23

Fruitpop · 09/03/2025 21:16

We explored this but unfortunately not possible (for various reasons - don’t need to drown you in the detail!)

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That’s a shame! Could your mom/someone else you feel comfortable with do it?

HereintheloveofChristIstand · 09/03/2025 21:24

biscuitsandbooks · 09/03/2025 20:11

You need to leave the house completely. Of course baby won't settle if they know you're around.

This.
Leave the house. And make it clear boob is off the menu at night. DH sounds very supportive.
Enjoy your night away.

AmyW9 · 09/03/2025 21:24

Can you bring DH? Recently we had a work away trip and one of our team on maternity leave brought her DH who stayed with her three month old nearby, so she could attend but pop back as much as she needed.

Penguinmouse · 09/03/2025 21:27

Psychologymam · 09/03/2025 21:21

No but you’re breastfeeding. Mine wouldn’t take a bottle so regardless of how feminist I want to be, my husband could physically leave and I couldn’t. It’s really not the same when only one parent can provide food!
If you want to change to bottle feeding and baby will agree, then it’s much easier to leave (try eatfeedspeak as lots of people seem to get on well with her advice). But if they don’t, this phase will pass and you will have freedom again in very short period of time.

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OP said Dad/Grandparents given the baby expressed milk in a bottle so it’s not the bottle issue, it’s a nighttime issue.

Original poster

Fruitpop · 09/03/2025 21:29

Psychologymam · 09/03/2025 21:21

No but you’re breastfeeding. Mine wouldn’t take a bottle so regardless of how feminist I want to be, my husband could physically leave and I couldn’t. It’s really not the same when only one parent can provide food!
If you want to change to bottle feeding and baby will agree, then it’s much easier to leave (try eatfeedspeak as lots of people seem to get on well with her advice). But if they don’t, this phase will pass and you will have freedom again in very short period of time.

Show quote history

I’m lucky that she will take a bottle (including from people other than me), and actually did take bottle from DH at bedtime in the very early days (eg there was a night when I’d slept something like 3 hours in 3 days, so he marched me to bed and did the night himself). But having become a much more aware baby now, seems a bit miffed at mum not being around for bedtime service.

We will follow the advice for me to be out the house on next attempt, and I’ll report back. Thanks for the helpful advice and encouragement on this thread - drawing on the wisdom of other parents really is a comfort. ❤️

OP posts: