To despair that I can’t leave baby

[Fruitpop]

Posting here for traffic and because I’d really appreciate advice.

I have a 5 month old baby and an overnight work trip that I’d really like to go on (still on mat leave, but the trip is a fun thing). It would be hard to leave baby, but it would be really good for me to have a break and a bit of fun.

DH has tried doing bedtime for the last couple of nights with expressed milk and baby just wails and won’t take the bottle (which she’ll happily take for daytime feeds from DH and grandparents). DH took extended leave when she was born and regularly looks after her on weekends days for hours so I can do a hobby. In short, she’s used to DH caring for her, but I usually do bedtime.

I’d be really grateful for advice (and just comfort that this won’t last forever). I’m sad that the trip may not happen, but also a bit panicked that I may not be able to so much as spend an evening out for the foreseeable (no dinner with friends/drink with a pal), while my husband can live a near-normal life. The inherent unequalness of parenting is hitting hard this evening…

did it work last night?

We’d already done a second failed attempt (where I stepped in) when I posted last night. Tonight’s the night - wish me luck…!

You can't step in if you're not home so I would just leave, go to your mums/a friend's and let them get on with it. You don't need to miss your trip, your DH sounds very capable and baby will be fine.

Whatever you do DO NOT STEP IN. Get away from the house and do not return until DH sends you the thumbs up WhatsApp (even if it takes until 4 am -which it won't). This can and will be cracked

If your DH does all of bedtime with you completely absent at bedtime for the week until the trip she will be ready. It will probably only take her 2-3 nights of a consistent new routine to adjust.

I struggled to believe this advice when others gave me it about similar issues with my baby, but it turns out it is true for most babies! Even my exceptionally difficult, very screamy, additional needs baby, so almost certainly your (presumably) more typical baby.

How did it go? We found taking it in turns to do bedtime helped - did alternate nights from three months. Combi-fed baby, I just switched around BFs depending on if I was there or not.

It meant DD was happy for either of us to be there, which meant much more freedom for me (this was a big help mental health wise), increased his confidence and strengthened their bond too as he was out at work every day so this increased the time they had together.

Unfortunately didn’t work - if anything it got worse (she started wailing in anticipation on the last attempt just as my husband was starting bedtime routine).

I’m not going on the trip. We’ll pull back for now and in a couple of weeks when she’s forgotten about it, we’ll try the more gentle/gradual approach as people upthread suggested as an alternative, and get her used to him doing bedtime at least a couple of times a week. I’m sad about the trip, but I don’t want her to be miserably unhappy and crying for hours. At least we have a plan of attack for the future now.

Being her mum is great, but the loss of autonomy is hard.

Have you read Matrescence by Lucy Jones OP? There is so much change in becoming a mother. This book really helped me make sense of all the monumental change and the massive feelings that went along with them. It's OK to despair of ever getting back to 'normal' ,when even having an evening out is hard to envisage - it can be so hard when we don't feel like 'ourselves' in some ways.

It's really tough. I hope the gentle/gradual approach is more successful for you. Sending love and good luck.