Welcome drinks at pub - AIBU not to go

[F0rky]

I don't drink alcohol. I quit two years ago, not because I was a raging alcoholic, but because I never felt fully in control of my drinking. I wanted to stop before I got too far down the slippery slope.

The thing is, there is quite a big drinking culture where I work, although the management would deny that this is the case. At christmas parties, alcohol is paid for and a lot of people get absolutely hammered. The vast majority of networking events with clients and contacts involve wine tasting, vineyards, wine bars etc. With the exception of the Christmas party, I avoid these events. No-one seems to have a problem with this.

However, whenever anyone passes an exam or joins the firm, someone will arrange drinks at a nearby bar. Now, this doesn't bother me. If other people want to stand around making small talk and drinking, then it's up to them. What I object to is the fact that I am expected to join in and, if I don't, I'm seen as separating myself from the team / being unfriendly. FYI I do chat to people in the office and have joined in with many social events (quiz nights, activity days, meals, escape rooms), I just hate going to anything where the sole purpose is to drink and chat.

We have just received another email about someone new who is starting next week. Drinks will be held at the local bar and they "trust we will all come along and make him feel welcome".

I now feel obliged to go in case I'm seen as being unfriendly if I don't go. I just wondered what other people think about this as it's not something I feel I can bring up at work.

YABU - Just go along with it. The pub is a normal place for people to relax and get to know each other.

YANBU - Don't go. They can't expect a non-drinker to stand around in a bar, in their own time making small talk with people they wouldn't otherwise choose to socialise with.

This. You've shown willing and welcoming.

Are you paid for this "work event".

If not I wouldnt go!

Go literally for one non-alcoholic drink. Then it’s not eating into your personal time, you don’t look like a dick and it’s minimal small talk.
You can even prepare an excuse to rush off early in advance. Tell people days in advance “oh I can only stay for one, I have my [insert friend/family member’s] birthday meal to get to straight after”. Set a time you’ll stay to in advance and then “got to go, can’t miss my train/ can’t risk the traffic” when it approaches that time.

If you can't face standing holding a lemonade/non-alcoholic beer for half an hour and chatting about nonsense, don't go. And - more importantly- don't feel guilty. You are not being paid to be there and these people are your colleagues not your friends. I always try and think of it in these terms - if I left the job tomorrow, would I ever see those people again? If you would still see them then it's worth going to chat to the people you you genuinely like and get along with. Given that you attend other social events you are not letting the side down. If anyone challenges, say you have to be back for the dogs/your elderly mother/your children/whatever.

If you are unable to go and not drink alcohol then you do have a problem with it.
Go, have a soft drink, be friendly and then leave
Its not hard

Just go, have a soft drink and make your apologies, In my experience there’s always a core of people on soft drinks for a multitude of reasons from tetotal to got to driving later to just don’t fancy. Then there’s the ones who have a beer / 1-2 drinks and make a move and then the ones who are settled in for the night. In 30 years I’ve never had a drink at a work event, I keep work and social separate and nobody has ever batted an eyelid

I wouldn’t go.
I don’t think your colleagues are likely to notice or mind if regular drinking events are the norm. I also think the endless drinky events in your workplace are somewhat dysfunctional and management needs to get a grip. I empathise because I once worked for an organisation where the drinks trolley came round, in the office, every day at 1800. It was a please work late again bribe. Crap.

I work with people who are detoxing and in recovery . It would not be as easy for them as just have a soft drink .

This work culture is quite discriminatory to people who need to avoid places with alcohol .

This also means includes people who would not go to a pub for religious reasons .

She hasn’t had a drink for two years and has attended Christmas parties which is why people are suggesting popping in for an hour for a soft drink. She’s done it before.

The thing is probably over half the people going probably also don't want to go. Sometimes it's better to at least try and go to
these things.
I hate them too, but will go more from a selfish perspective to be seen as a team player and play the game as it were.
If you feel it will be detrimental to you to not go, then you should go. Noone is forcing you to go and stand there with an orange juice amd make small talk, only you can judge if not turning up is going to be a bad move.

I agree with this completely. It's the only sensible response so far. When I finish work I want to spend time doing things I enjoy like relaxing and spending time with my family not spending more time with work colleagues. Introduce yourself to the new colleague, be friendly and say you have a prior engagement and can't make it but hope they enjoy themselves. Job done.

It seems a pretty irresponsible organisation that you work for if they are so actively encouraging their employees to drink alcohol.
I would have thought in these more enlightened times they should be recognising focusing social activities on drinking is not a good thing.
And also recognising many people, like OP , don't want to drink alcohol.

OP only you know how big a deal it would be if you didn’t go. Where I work, it’s not a drama if people miss social events, but I know in some places it’s almost seen as an extension of the working day.

If your work is like mine, then don’t go at all.
If it’s a place where socialising is expected, go for an hour, drink soft drinks, then slope off. The beauty of everyone else being drunk is that they won’t notice you’ve gone.

Drinks after work aren’t the work of the devil, they’re pretty common in many workplaces.

I would simply say due to kids/ husband family stuff I am unable to attend anything outside of my working hours. Lay the foundation down for it

I'm the same as you. I'm an introvert, and spending time with a bunch of people I wouldn't choose to socialise with and not even being paid for it would not be something I'd do.

Your firm are taking the piss with the amount of unpaid social events they demand their employees time for.

I wouldn't be going.

You go for an hour and don't drink surely?
But as for wine tasting etc yes that would be rubbish for someone who didn't drink so you could suggest some variety in activities.

I can't believe that some posters are encouraging small recovering acholic to go to pub who has clearly said she's not comfortable.

It's highly irresponsible to suggest she go against her wishes.

OP, don't go. You can simply say "it doesnsuit me this evening". You don't owe anyone a further explanation.

Read the OP. This isn’t what OP is saying, she is saying she doesn’t want to go and stand around having a drink - she’s not saying she’ll find not having a drink threatens her sobriety.

OP, I get that your priorities change, especially within a drinking culture job (I am literally there) but as long as it doesn’t tempt you to go back to boozing then you need to go and have a soft drink or two and leave after an hour or two. Not drinking doesn’t stop me attending social events and it shouldn’t stop you/act as an excuse for not supporting work events (sometimes they’re a bore if you’re drinking or not but going for an hour is a nice thing to do for someone new)

Nobody is doing this
OP specifically says she is NOT an alcoholic

She says quite specifically she’s not an alcoholic. And she’s been to two work Christmas parties since she gave up drink.

Agree with this .
I find this so boring, tedious and dated . Do companies still do welcome drinks ???
My younger nieces/nephews hate this about their workplaces and refuse team drinks / events which are centred around pubs/bars .
They discuss it among themselves how it's always the managers in their 40s/50s who want to centre everything around drinking .
No don't go

@BIossomtoes and @Hoppinggreen

alcohol/problem drinker is word play and semantics. OP has issues with drink and has said so.

She’s telling you that because the wording in your OP implies it’s the alcohol side of things you object to, and you’d be happy to go if it was a Costa etc. It was only afterwards that you’ve said it’s because you don’t want to socialise with your colleagues in your own time.