DS (13) said F-U to me

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DS had no uniform for school tomorrow and said he had lost it in his room. I went up to look for it and the state of his room was awful, rubbish, dirty clothes, cups etc. (I had told him to clean earlier)

He screamed at me to get out of his room and I told him off for how messy his room was. He continued to scream “get out”and became distressed and tried to bang his head on the wall 😔 (He has ADHD/ASD) I found his uniform and he said Fuck You! before I left. I’ve taken his phone off him and he’s lost his pocket money for the week.

What would you do in that this situation please? The banging his head on the wall is very concerning and the way he spoke to me was vile.

Nothing, you've already taken his phone and pocket money, why would you want to be punitive?

So you invaded his space despite him making it clear he wasn't comfortable, and when he was angry and upset about you continuing to do so you carried on and looked through his room until you found what you were looking for, then you were surprised he swore at you?
The language, attitude and the state of his room are all things you should tackle, but not like that and not when he is obviously already way over threshold.

It's like poking a snarling dog and being suprised when it bites you.

What have you read, so far, on parenting an ASD teenager?

Are you part of any support groups ?

Punishments that work for NT young people, often don’t work for ND ones

Bedrooms can be safe spaces, you need to set some rules (we had no food being left in there, and all dirty pots removed once a day)

It doesn’t need to be adversarial

You've given him his consequence so no more punishment needed. However a calm chat about it when he has chilled out definitely. And setting some base standards for room cleanliness, ie can be messy but not filthy.

I'd give his phone back, and ask what would help him to be more organised re room and uniform washing.

Why do you feel the need to do more than you've already done?

He has two conditions that means he struggles with emotions and executive functioning - he needs support, not punishment.

My sister taught me a trick fir kids rooms. Go upstairs with a laundry basket and bin bag. Tell them to make the bed first then put all clothes (clean or dirty) on the bed. Then give them the laundry basket and tell them to put anything in it off the floor which isn't rubbish. Next they put the rubbish in the bin bag. Then you hoover while they sort out clean v dirty clothes and put away/in the wash. Then you leave them with the basket of toys/books/items and they have to give you the basket by X time. It really works because you're involved and guiding. No 13 year old has motivation to clean their room.

Both my girls are autistic (8 and 10) so I understand meltdowns and head banging etc. You seem confrontational which a lot of autistic kids can't cope well with. He's also full of hormones. I think you overreacted to be honest. It would have been better to say 'I'm not surprised you can't fund your uniform' then helped him clean it like in my example. No punishment needed for a messy room and a bit of anger. Swearing at you is awful but I don't think it needed to get to that stage. I would rather have a calm chat later than punish things like this.

If he's screaming at you to get out of his room and distressed to the point of banging his head against the wall, couldn't you just....give him space for a moment?

It sounds like you both need to be a bit more respectful.

His bedroom is his safe space and he does have a lock on the inside to prevent his younger sibling going in. I did have to go into look for the uniform otherwise he would have had nothing to wear to school tomorrow. He’s also lost most of it and is down to only one top! I’d happily never go in his room if he would keep it clean and if he would wash his uniform too. I do understand that obviously he was telling me to leave the room but I need access to it as it’s in a very bad state as it’s so messy and I had to find his clothes for school.

I do clean his room when he’s in school and he’s always happy that it’s cleaner when he gets home.

But did you need to do it when he was so dysregulated, or could it wait an hour?

Not necessarily punish him more but I was seeking advice on how best to manage the situation.

I would go and talk to him about how you both could have handled that situation better. He was already experiencing the consequences of his messy room by losing his clothing.

Perhaps with a NT teen, it would have been ok to comment on the state of his room. With an ASD teen, the correct approach is to scaffold him to tackle the problem at hand. How does he calm down enough to perform a proper search? What techniques could he use to center himself and then what is the best approach to searching his room?

you punished him and I would stick with it now, but honestly, you deserved his response. For an ASD teen you were being an utter asshole.

Ds told me to fuck off when he was 13 - he never told me to fuck off again because I changed what I did after that.
I didn't punish him - I examined my behaviour instead. I knew he was getting worked up - he was communicating with me but I wasn't listening - so I pushed him over the edge - he also has ADHD and ASD. Anyway, I learned I needed to parent differently, read loads of books on how to parent teens mostly I learned to diffuse the situation - to put off discussions until the heat was gone and we could talk calmly. The swearing was a wake-up call for me.
He used to headbang as well when he was doing his Sats and the teacher was putting excessive pressure on them - I spoke to the teacher, who was really upset about the impact he was having on ds, it stopped after that (he was fine doing all other exams up to degree level).

Maybe in future ask him on a Saturday if he has clean uniform then if it needs washing it can be done on Sunday. Also you have given him 2 punishments which seems over the top. Maybe let him earn his phone or pocket money back.

Sounds like he was a bit overwhelmed. He was probably already stressed about the uniform and then when you came upstairs he got told off for mess as well so that's another separate thing to deal with and it sounds like it was a bit much for him. I wouldn't do anything else punitive.

I think you need to look at how he manages his emotions and whether he can actually manage the things you're asking him to do. He has two conditions that mean he will really struggle with broad tasks like "tidy your room" - so maybe you need to help him, or give him more concise instructions?

I also wouldn't push him to the point where he's clearly overwhelmed and screaming at you to get out. I'm autistic and remember my dad going on at me as a teenager and it inevitably turned into a meltdown as I just couldn't cope.

Nothing.

He either goes to school in a dirty uniform or goes in no uniform and deals with whatever sanctions school impose.

I do breakdown the task into manageable chunks such as put all your rubbish in a bin bag, make your bed, tidy your floor etc. I even get him to put a 5 minute timer on for each separate task. I try to break it down as much as possible.

When he’s calm you need to talk to him about how you can help him be school ready. Put routines and lists in place.

Eg. Every night laundry goes in the hamper, dishes go downstairs, school bag packed, uniform sorted. Then he knows he can go to school without panicking.

Then talk to him about how you can help him keep his room clean.

He needs to be taught gently and given guidance and support to keep his room tidy.

Without sounding really patronising, that's all really positive.

I wonder if Sunday nights are a bit of a trigger point for him, the change between weekends and weekdays can be a bit overwhelming when you're NT let alone ND - maybe knowing he has school tomorrow and hasn't washed his uniform or tidied his room all got a bit too much?

I think you've had some quite hard responses here OP.

I also have an ASD child and a bedroom in a dreadful state. It is impossible for her to find anything and when this happens she will get instantly stressed and invariably shout and scream at me about it. If I try to help her tidy she will shout and scream, if I do it for her this stresses her out too.

She cannot, will not do anything about her bedroom.

It is a daily stressor. I am not sure some of the people who have commented maybe realise quite what a battle this can be with an ASD child when all actions lead to stress, and taking no action also leads to stress.

Seriously, you and he need to work together on his ability to control his environment (tidy/clean/put things in the wash-one day do his own washing). He will need a lot of support with this but it's really, really important. My youngest has asd and we spent years concentrating on school and social skills and are now catching up on his life skills.

With ds he has an app w daily jobs (put dirty clothes in laundry bag) and weekly jobs - Monday empty bin, Tuesday change bedding, Wed tidy floor) - it's taken us about 2 years to get here and I used to have to support him through each one.

I wouldn't give his phone back for a month!

DH and I do school uniform in the wash Friday evening. Shirts ironed every Saturday while the kids tidy their rooms. Saturday afternoon or Sunday morning all uniform for the week is put away by the kids.

sundsy evening is too late to be sorting school unform. He’s only 13 with ADHD he needs support not confrontation and punishment

It's not the way I would have done things with my ASD child at that age, we always aimed to keep an even keel, for everyone's sanity.

As long as my child wasn't telling teachers or other adults to fuck off, I was okay with them venting at home. Although it did jar on me, it was the lesser of two evils.