DS (13) said F-U to me

[SpottyDottyD]

DS had no uniform for school tomorrow and said he had lost it in his room. I went up to look for it and the state of his room was awful, rubbish, dirty clothes, cups etc. (I had told him to clean earlier)

He screamed at me to get out of his room and I told him off for how messy his room was. He continued to scream “get out”and became distressed and tried to bang his head on the wall 😔 (He has ADHD/ASD) I found his uniform and he said Fuck You! before I left. I’ve taken his phone off him and he’s lost his pocket money for the week.

What would you do in that this situation please? The banging his head on the wall is very concerning and the way he spoke to me was vile.

I sort of agree with this but I also think that this isn’t a ‘normal’ situation and other ways are required to provide discipline and boundaries in a way that is less ‘at the edge’ than for a NT child yet equally as effective.
Agree you need support from some specialist services; I think almost all teens swear at their parents sometimes and you might be ok during the teen years; or you might not. I would take all help I could find just in case.

It reads like you both got overwhelmed. Yes he needs a consequence for swearing at you which you have done. But I'd say you need to let it go now.

You need to work on your reactivity,, how can you expect your son not to react in anger when you aren't capable of doing so? Some mindfulness techniques would be really helpful.

You need daily routines, get the uniform sorted at a less stressful time, not on Sunday evening.

He needs more support to be organised by the sound of things.

If someone is so distressed they are banging their head on a wall, they're in real trouble, so the language should be viewed in that context.

He absolutely should not have said that but he has ADHD. Why on earth aren’t you cleaning his room? I always cleaned my children’s bedrooms. He should bring dirty dishes etc. out (although mine never ate in their rooms) but you should be cleaning it!

Uniform straight in the wash on a Friday.
Sunday is too late.

My son also discovered - about an hour before kick off- that his kit wasn't ready. It was still wet in washing machine.
I heard him swearing to himself downstairs.
I stormed downstairs, saying don't speak like that.
The next thing I said was, let's try and sort this out.
I ended up ironing it a bit. Not perfect.
Later, I said let this be something we learn from. That he needs to check the night before or remind me about his kit. That I was sorry too- I'd forgotten to get it out.
He's 14 so is old enough to share responsibility.
He also apologised.
I wouldn't take a teenagers phone. It's their life.

I do clean his room when I can get in there but he keeps it locked so it’s difficult to get access to it. It’s a small room that’s very cluttered as he collects lots of stuff. He’s happy for me to clean when he’s in school but he won’t let me in there when he’s home. At 13 shouldn’t he be responsible for some cleaning and putting his rubbish in the bin etc?

I have ADHD so I do understand his difficulties with organisation and cleaning/losing things!

He did have his phone back briefly as he’s on a 156 day Duolingo streak - it seemed cruel not to let him complete it. Then he did work hard in his room to be fair and returned downstairs with a huge bag of rubbish! He’s got his phone back now and we will try and work together to make sure that doesn’t happen again/wash uniforms on a Friday and get organised sooner.

@TankFlyBoss makes good points. Two teens with Autism here, 1 also ADHD. Cleaning their bed-rooms upsets them greatly. Executive function means their rooms are a mess. Being unable to manage their rooms themselves upsets them greatly. It's an ongoing see-saw of progress.
OP, go find him, hug him (if he'll let you). Say you both got upset. Let's start again. How can you both work on a Plan (tiny achievable chunks on Plan & easy to see too). Be calm, consistent & endlessly encouraging. Good luck x

Wee wave. Iv 3 adhd boys (all teens now) you have done well to get to 13 without an f you. Iv one teen that's particularly tricky at the moment with swearing.
Iv triggered one of mine many times as I'm a shouty person and I get frustrated with mess and not listening.

We have a clear list of consequences on our house so swearing or being vile to parents or siblings they lose an hour of their electronic time. Etc. These are pre written rules we made together so they know the consequences.

Sunday is bedroom clean and tidy day as well as all uniform getting washed. Once they have done that they get allowance. No room tidy then no allowance.

Id have a calm chat when he gets in about head banging. We have big pillows for hitting in their bedrooms when overwhelmed

Buckle up OP you're in the teenager zone now .. this is just the start

This is great advice. My two are ASD/ADHD too (now 16 and 19) and I confess to simply losing my sh!t like OP a few times too - big mistake. I do tend to chunk it down - here’s a bin bag, can you fill it up with your rubbish and pop it outside your room today ? Here’ the laundry basket, can you pop all the dirty/clothes on the flooring it befoe bedtime? (Yep, it means that I often rewash ‘clean’ clothes that have been on the floor for a week with the told stuff). If there is a PDA/ODD element it is often best to phrase requests as a choice - do you want to make your bed before dinner or shall I come and help you do it now?

In the short term - let the F-U go, you were both locking horns and he felt his safe space was being invaded. I, personally, might apologise for being quite so bullish, and ask him whether there is anything I can do to help to ensure you can get his uniform washed in time for school going forward. I am probably a bit weak, but find my kids respond to understanding I am human and can lose it from time to time, especially if we discuss why I lost it and how we can work together avoid confrontation like that again.

It’s tough parenting ASD/ADHD and you will likely lose it again before the year is out.

So let him get away with it?
I think not. He needs to control his potty mouth and be a bit tidier out of basic common decency.
What if he got all gobby with a teacher or police officer? He’s get a bit more than lost pocket money then

My dd who has adhd has to do her room daily so she can keep on top of it. She has to take her uniform off and hang it up as soon as she gets in then goes and sorts her room for the evening. Job done no stinking shithole everyone's happy and can find their things. I think rather than avoiding his room you need to guide him on keeping it clean and organised. Less stress for everyone

I would have let him go to school in a dirty uniform or not in uniform. Send a note / email the school to say why and let DS deal with it.

Hopeless situation, on many levels.
😕

Just doing it for him is the worst thing the OP could do. Due to his disabilities this is not just going to all fall neatly into place when he reaches adulthood, he needs support and routines to learn these self care skills himself.

I think you handled the rudeness well but make sure he knows his language is unacceptable and if he speaks to you again like that he will lose his phone again.

Regarding getting the room back on track, how is he with checklists? Can you make him a full list of things he needs to do in his room before he can get the phone back? Eg

1. Take all cups/plates out of the room and wash them up
2. Pick up all books and put on bookshelf
3. Pick up all pants and socks and put in laundry bin
4. Pick up all t-shirts and sort into clean and dirty
5. Put dirty shirts in laundry bin
6. Pick up all trousers and sort into clean and dirty
7. Put dirty trousers in laundry bin
8. Fold clean clothes and put away in drawers/wardrobe
9. Pick up any pens, pencils, paper and put away

10. Pick up any games/toys and put away

11. Strip bed and put in laundry bin

12. Put new bedding on bed

13. Dust the furniture/windowsills

14. Clean windows

15. Vacuum floor

If he has ADHD tackling the whole room at once may be overwhelming. Break it down into manageable steps for him so he can focus on one thing at a time. Tell him he can do one list item a day or do them all at once but they all need to be done before he can have his phone back.

Yes my example was my sisters advice for my eldest child (who is 21 now) and doesn't have ASD. I could never give that many instructions to my younger 2 but possibly when the younger one is 13 (10yo unlikely as she has such high needs) but the principle of breaking down tasks works well for autistic children because it's clear and it's manageable one step at a time! Room cleaning is vague for any child I think!

That's fantastic. It's great when people self reflect like this and try another approach. I'm glad it worked out for you too.