Stress - alternatives to getting drunk, diazepam or exercise?

[ICouldDoWithALifeReset]

I should say this is related to grief following a huge loss so it is something that comes and goes in waves but when it comes it comes hard.

I've been prescribed diazepam by the GP for a short term but they've been v. clear I can't have any more. It's is actually really helpful because I'm not in an addiction situation as it isn't every day but when I feel really anxious and aggitated it calms me down.

The only other thing that works as well is alcohol - I say getting drunk but I don't mean paralytic. I mean enough to take the edge off which is probably about 4 glasses of wine. I'd rather take a tablet as it's better for me that alcohol but I know I have to keep them for the really bad times as I won't get any more. I would rather have another prescription which would mean I don't need to use alcohol but like I said when I was given the first one I was told no more.

Exercise would probably help but the problem is that these 'attacks' tend to occur when I am alone in the evening late at night when there isn't a safe option to go exercising and I wouldn't want to anyway.

Any other suggestions to coping with that anxiety stress panic feeling ?

After my husband died I gave up alcohol for 18 months. Drinking it to escape is a direct route to an alcohol problem. Sorry to be so blunt, OP, but it really is a terrible idea. It doesn’t even help – it just delays the way you’re feeling.

Things that helped me:

I joined a Facebook group for other widows. This gave me a safe space to vent to people who understood, no matter what time it was.
I set up a WhatsApp group with about 10 of my friends. When I needed to talk to someone I messaged that group instead of trying people individually. That meant they didn’t feel pressured if they weren’t able to / didn’t want to talk to me at that time, and meant that pretty much always there was someone available. It stopped me from being guilty or over-reliant on one person.
Box breathing really does work. I still do it now. There’s physiological reasons as well as psychological ones.
I wasn’t really able to meditate but instead I would think a single word in my head in time with my breathing, very loudly. Often it was my own name. I found it very grounding and it drowned out the panic spiral thoughts.
Simple video games like Tetris – they distract your mind and there’s also evidence that they help your body process trauma.
I got out for a walk every day. I walked by the sea and often would cry and wail the entire time – it always, without fail, helped. And made it easier to sleep.
When all else failed, I called the Samaritans. Sometimes they were helpful, sometimes they were annoying, but either way it got me through the immediate crisis and kept me alive.

DH died during COVID so there really weren’t many routes for me to get support. I had to take ownership of it and refuse to allow my grief to overtake me. I couldn’t have done that if I was drinking.

You need to avoid being in this situation in the first place. Get a gym membership or a class in something you’ve always wanted to try and go to it in the evening - preplanned so it’s hard to wriggle out of.

also, get your house nice so get bed sheets, fairy lights, new books, films, hot water bottle, fancy teas etc and set them out then go to bed early. So plan to be in bed at 8.30 or 9. Do a shower with nice smells then get into bed and watch or read.

you’ll end up an alcoholic the way you’re talking and it’s not worth it - it makes it all worse

Grief can be so personal. For me, things that helped were:

Reading. Getting lost in a really good book helped switch off that part of my mind that wanted to ruminate.

Exercise. I know sometimes it's the last thing you feel like doing, especially of an evening, but I got an exercise bike and just had at it for 20 minutes whenever the pain reared its head. Really helped. Outside of that, I stuck religiously to my usual exercise regime.

Day time I would garden a lot. Evenings I'd focus on researching or planning things for the garden.

I'm an author so I'd write a lot, but you don't need to be a professional to do this. Journals, little short stories, anything like that can be good for your mind.

Music. This can go one of two ways really, because sometimes music would upset me and other times uplift me.

Cooking. Choosing gorgeous dinners with loads of ingredients that you really have to focus on.

I collect fancy tea and tea sets, and made evening tea a routine.

Baths, skin care, hair care, nice candles lit. Find a non alcoholic drink you like. I can really recommend "Clean"; it's a gin replacement and the one in the green bottle mixes beautifully with Fever-Tree Spanish Clementine tonic water. Feels really nice to drink while you're relaxing. As others have said, alcohol is a slippery slope and it will only ever make you feel worse, it's a depressant. I think many of us have got smashed when we've been feeling low, and all it ever does is increase the misery and pile on anxiety.

And, of course, talking to friends. You don't even need to talk to them about the bad stuff - just chat with them about anything.

Hi OP, I’m so sorry for your loss, grief is overwhelming and there is no easy answer as to how long the pain of loss will last and when the severity of waves will ease. Being swamped in waves that come without warning is very accurate. I suffered severe anxiety like you described, panic attacks and depression.

What helped me prob won’t be a popular answer on here, but Jesus was my answer. He saved me out of a black pit I could not escape. I used alcohol and other things to try and cope but nothing worked, it was a desperate time. I found a love of immense magnitude that was real and personal and met me in the centre of my darkest grief. Jesus soothed my grief and gave me hope and a peace I didn’t know was possible. The warmth of Holy Spirit was an incredible comfort when the waves came. Much healing was done in those times when I thought the pain of grief would overtake me and I was just ‘held’. I no longer needed alcohol or other things to cope. There is a bible scripture that says God is close to the brokenhearted and in a commentary I read that his heart breaks with ours. I have said a prayer for you. I hope I won’t get blasted for sharing this, it is very genuine. I wish you all the goodness and love, healing and help to get through this x

People have posted lots of great advice too and I agree those things are important too, to look after yourself and others things that are of comfort (but not harmful). I have a heat mat from Amazon that is good and use it for back ache but just the physical warmth is relaxing and soothing.

I’m so sorry if this is totally inappropriate OP, but for me I found just sitting with it to be the best way because it stopped the attacks from happening in the end. I just sit and let my body and mind be anxious. Try (and I know this is easier said than done) just observing how you feel and keep
telling yourself that you are safe. Eventually,
your nervous system will learn that there is nothing to be fearful of.

I am so sorry for your loss

Cruse bereavement support website may be worth a look x

I think you need to stop thinking of exercises as an in the moment quick fix and more a general way to stabilise your mood.
Hitting the treadmill at 11pm when you are feeling down isn't going to be viable, but could you change up your week to incorporate regular exercise? If you could find 2 or 3 evening classes a week it would get you out of the house and around other people, break-up the evening so might help just changing your environment so you aren't sat at home alone waiting for it to hit you.
Doesn't have to be hi impact or anything, pilates, zumba, anything you don't hate basically so you don't mind going.
Or look for walking or running groups.
Obviously you csn just exercise along but I'd be inclined to look for things thst are around other people.

This will sound simplistic, but a hot water bottle in a furry cover that you can hug and stroke during the night, is so very comforting.

Sorry you're feeling like this, it's horrible .

So sorry to hear things have been so hard. For me it’s been a combination of things including extensive therapy, but also I’ve had regular sessions of trauma informed yoga therapy which has been life changing (I was fully convinced prior to starting it would be ‘hippy rubbish’ but it’s amazing!)

Also Lego! Having never done it before in my life I’m now addicted and building all the huge sets. Warning- it’s expensive! But for me having something to do with my hands that requires just following instructions is so helpful in the intense moments.

Good luck xx

Dance... look up somatic dance. Even just a 5 minute high energy burst is enough to release heavy emotions and you can do that any time when at home alone when these moments hit hard... it's been a huge part of my healing process during grief...

So sorry for your loss. Yoga with Adriene has a session for grief, just search on YouTube and it will come up. I haven't done it myself but find most of her yoga hugely helpful. Might be worth a try.

Is there an addictive-type game on your phone you can try? I like block blast and when I'm feeling anxious I just put some comforting TV on in the background, like Friends, and play blockblast endlessly and it seems to soothe my brain.

I mean obviously the first options would be all the healthy choices that have already been mentioned but wondering if you have considered/been offered an antidepressant. Often very helpful for anxiety.

Could you afford some EMDR therapy? It's a short term therapy.

An electric massager for your back. The sensation of the movement and pressure can snap me out of the spiral. And it’s an activity that keeps my heart rate low so I don’t continue to amp myself up.

ASMR is my go to. Thousands of videos on YouRube, and you can do it literally lying in bed at night. It’s great for winding down and relaxing.