Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we should have the same amount of child free time at the weekend?

40 replies

Busby88 · 09/03/2025 08:16

My DH plays a sport every other weekend which means he’s gone for around five or six hours in total. Yesterday when he got in I said I’m going upstairs with a cup of tea as I need some time alone after having both kids to myself all day.

He then got grumpy and we had an argument because he said he feels like I’m always trying to equal it out. And actually he’s not wrong, I do think if he’s having that much child free time of the weekend then I should have the same. As it is, all I’m actually for is an hour or so of peace afterwards!

Next weekend he’s going away on a stag so I pointed out that out of three weekends, he’s only actually going to be with the kids for two days. He said it didn’t count because I have my mum staying for the weekend so not as if I’m solo parenting.

I know it all sounds very petty but we are both sleep deprived, our kids are full on at the moment, and I just wanted to check I’m not being unreasonable here am I?

So as not to drip feed, I do play a sport twice a week but that is of an evening and I usually get the youngest to sleep before I go. He’s also out one week evening a week and will again help with bedtime before he goes.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 09/03/2025 08:17

YANBU, but did he go out this much before you had kids?

Vettrianofan · 09/03/2025 08:21

Not a surprise he's like this if he has always played a sport...he will expect to carry on the way things were. And you need to be there to do all childcare when it suits him.

He would be told by me to be helping out more.

Adhikv · 09/03/2025 08:23

I do agree although it can be hard to be equal. I think it’s just kind after a day with the kids for the one who has been doing their hobby to take over with the kids

Original poster
Busby88 · 09/03/2025 08:24

He did, he then stopped playing the sport the last year or so since we had our youngest and has recently started it again (with my absolute encouragement and support, he was grumpy at weekends!)

I’ve got no issue with him being out the house that much, what I’m struggling with is the lack of appreciation that it means I am then by myself with the kids a lot and also not currently getting any of my own free time of a weekend. I don’t want to be away from them as much as he is, but an hour here or there without it being a battle would be nice!

OP posts:
Allswellthatendswelll · 09/03/2025 08:26

YANBU

Ask him why he doesn't think it should be equal?

When he is in you need to say "right I'm off to the gym/ to see a friend" and go, don't give him the option. But also you need to book in some days as a family doing family things.

Penguinmouse · 09/03/2025 08:28

YANBU. Of course you should have equal time to yourself.

AlertCat · 09/03/2025 08:30

He then got grumpy and we had an argument because he said he feels like I’m always trying to equal it out. And actually he’s not wrong, I do think if he’s having that much child free time of the weekend then I should have the same. As it is, all I’m actually for is an hour or so of peace afterwards!

Ok- so even if you’re trying to equal it out, why is that not ok?
And secondly, when he has been out and you have been child-wrangling all day, why does he resent you taking an hour on your own?

How much parenting does he do otherwise?

wonderstuff · 09/03/2025 08:32

Yanbu. I think the answer is to book in the time you want, when my dc were little DH only understood how exhausting solo parenting was after I left him to it a few times. After that he did get it and we got on much better. It’s not easy, I was completely unprepared for how much the dynamics of our relationship changed with kids and it was so easy to be arguing over who had the best/worst deal.

Original poster
Busby88 · 09/03/2025 08:33

@AlertCat That’s what got me yesterday, he was annoyed because he said it feels like I’m always trying to equal it out and I was like well yes that’s exactly what I’m doing.

OP posts:
BellissimoGecko · 09/03/2025 08:37

Busby88 · 09/03/2025 08:33

@AlertCat That’s what got me yesterday, he was annoyed because he said it feels like I’m always trying to equal it out and I was like well yes that’s exactly what I’m doing.

How much parenting does he do otherwise?

Why does he think it's fair that he gets much more time to himself than you do? Ask him that. What's wrong with making it equal?

Ddakji · 09/03/2025 08:39

God, these men who can’t function without sport are so deeply tedious.

DorothyStorm · 09/03/2025 08:40

BellissimoGecko · 09/03/2025 08:37

How much parenting does he do otherwise?

Why does he think it's fair that he gets much more time to himself than you do? Ask him that. What's wrong with making it equal?

Show quote history

This. His attitude stinks. Id absolutely be evening everything out for now. Go out for five hours today. Plan a weekend away with female friends.

also have you posted about this before?

AlertCat · 09/03/2025 08:40

Why doesn’t he want you to equal it out? What did he say when you agreed that you were?

crossstitchingnana · 09/03/2025 08:42

I say it's fair you both have child-free time, especially if you both work. However, talking about it beforehand is going to go down better than just leaving him to it as he comes through the door. How about you have time on Sunday?

Original poster
Busby88 · 09/03/2025 08:42

DorothyStorm · 09/03/2025 08:40

This. His attitude stinks. Id absolutely be evening everything out for now. Go out for five hours today. Plan a weekend away with female friends.

also have you posted about this before?

Show quote history

No but I posted about my DH being miserable at weekends so it’s all linked really!

OP posts:
Panterusblackish · 09/03/2025 08:46

I think as other posters have pointed out, you need to sit down and ask him why he thinks things shouldn't be equal.

It's bad enough that he was grumpy all weekend before he was doing the sport, signalling then that he didn't enjoy time as a family but the mask really slipped with that comment.

Like 90 per cent of men, he thinks you should run the home, do the child rearing and see to his needs.

pudha · 09/03/2025 08:48

That all sounds really frustrating. I think the problem will continue to be if you "spring" your time alone on him when his is quite scheduled it might continue to lead to arguments (not that I blame you at all for how you're doing it currently).

Are you able to schedule it more, so for example, right you do X every week so I want to do Y (whatever that looks like; whether it's a hobby of your own or if it is simply to say, when you get back I will be tired so I expect you to do dinner and I am going to have some time alone upstairs).

HollyIvie · 09/03/2025 08:48

God why are we always expected to do the heavy lifting. Absolutely it should be fair. Not sure why that's being raised as a negative. If he's out for 5-6 hours doing his own thing you should get the same as well as weekends away etc. as well as time in together to spend with the kids. it's only fair when you have little kids and are in the survival mode phase. Maybe time to get the calendar out so you can even things up.

ChickenLittlesCat · 09/03/2025 08:51

DustyLee123 · 09/03/2025 08:17

YANBU, but did he go out this much before you had kids?

Does that matter?
Most people left very different lives before they had children and then changed them to suit being parents.

Icanttakethisanymore · 09/03/2025 08:51

Busby88 · 09/03/2025 08:33

@AlertCat That’s what got me yesterday, he was annoyed because he said it feels like I’m always trying to equal it out and I was like well yes that’s exactly what I’m doing.

If he was considerate HE would be trying to equal it out!

Glitchymn1 · 09/03/2025 08:51

Do you have any time left in between all these sports to do things as a family?
DH and I have had to knock some things on the head- there’s simply not enough time and we don’t have much family, there’s no childminding.

Were there any discussions or expectations about this before you both had children?
He sounds like he is leading a bachelor lifestyle whilst expecting you to stay at home and deal with everything.

I think you need to sit him down and explain you want and need as much free time as him and you are trying to ‘equal it out’. I don’t think it’s going to go down very well by the sounds of it.

keyboardtypo · 09/03/2025 08:51

If he's out for 5-6 hours doing his own thing you should get the same as well as weekends away etc. as well as time in together to spend with the kids.

Realistically that's a struggle to fit that all into a weekend though.

Does he have the same time off on the evenings?

keyboardtypo · 09/03/2025 08:53

Do you have any time left in between all these sports to do things as a family?
DH and I have had to knock some things on the head- there’s simply not enough time and we don’t have much family, there’s no childminding.

I think it depends what people chose to
prioritise. DH & I don't get time for much sport anymore because time is taken up with dcs hobbies, spending time as a family &
then seeing wider friends & family. We have to squeeze the odd gym/yoga class into the week.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 09/03/2025 08:54

You shouldn't HAVE to equal things out! Does he think he's Lord of the Manor, swanning about with just himself to think about?
I can understand wanting 30 mins to sort himself out when he gets through the door. But then it's your turn for a quiet hot drink, to pee in peace & just have some time without a child wanting something from you.

minnienono · 09/03/2025 08:55

Do you work full time outside of the home, or more importantly do you get any child free time during the week?

I was a sahm when mine were tiny so once they were in pre school I did get time out, i couldn't really moan about golf for 4-5 hours when I had 2.5 hours per day for myself (yes I did housework but I could also so things for me)