To think we should have the same amount of child free time at the weekend?

[Busby88]

My DH plays a sport every other weekend which means he’s gone for around five or six hours in total. Yesterday when he got in I said I’m going upstairs with a cup of tea as I need some time alone after having both kids to myself all day.

He then got grumpy and we had an argument because he said he feels like I’m always trying to equal it out. And actually he’s not wrong, I do think if he’s having that much child free time of the weekend then I should have the same. As it is, all I’m actually for is an hour or so of peace afterwards!

Next weekend he’s going away on a stag so I pointed out that out of three weekends, he’s only actually going to be with the kids for two days. He said it didn’t count because I have my mum staying for the weekend so not as if I’m solo parenting.

I know it all sounds very petty but we are both sleep deprived, our kids are full on at the moment, and I just wanted to check I’m not being unreasonable here am I?

So as not to drip feed, I do play a sport twice a week but that is of an evening and I usually get the youngest to sleep before I go. He’s also out one week evening a week and will again help with bedtime before he goes.

He then got grumpy and we had an argument because he said he feels like I’m always trying to equal it out.

Your husband thinks he is more important and deserves his own time more than you. That’s really the scenario here.

He then got grumpy and we had an argument because he said he feels like I’m always trying to equal it out.

“Your point being?” would be my answer here. Why shouldn’t you have equal time - and why does he find this annoying?

Sorry, OP. You’ve married a bad one there. Only thing you can do is stand your ground, don’t relent and see what happens.

Ask him why he hasn't been trying to equal it out and whether he thinks it is fair for one partner to have much more free time than the other.

Is he actually getting more time to himself than you? You mention 5 or 6 hours every other weekend. How much time is your twice a week sport over a two week period? He might be taking the view that you have a similar amount of time for your own activities, it’s not his fault that your ‘me-time’ falls during an easier parenting slot, and he gave up the sport and you encouraged him to take it up again.

i think the stag do is a bit of a red herring, because that’s a one off.

Don't get me wrong, I completely agree that you both should have an equal opportunity for free time, and getting an hour to yourself after having the kids all day is not much to ask, but maybe you need to sit down and try and talk about it properly when you’re not both tired and irritable. Explain that you’re frustrated and worn down because you don’t actually get a break from the kids at the weekend and 6 hours on your own is pretty tough at this stage. Can you take yourself off by yourself today for a while - go for a coffee, sort walk etc., just get a bit of a break?

OP also does a sport twice a week

I work four days a week and have my youngest at home with me on the 5th. I get child free time of a week day evening when kids are in bed. That’s partly my fault though as I will default schedule things like getting my hair done for a weekday evening rather than weekend!

I disagree with this. Taking part in sports is good for your physical and mental well-being. I have no issue with the principle of him doing sport, my issue is more the lack of appreciation from him that he’s able to do it because I’m managing the kids solo and then the lack of child free time I get at the weekends.

An hour alone to enjoy a tea when you have had the kids all day is not unreasonable.

Yes we definitely chose the wrong time to discuss it especially as I don’t like to get into arguments in front of the kids. And it’s definitely on me to make myself go out of the house and leave them to it.

The stag weekend is just worth mentioning because he’s goes on them and other such birthday weekends etc a few times a year and again I’ve not got an issue with that, but it was more the way he said it doesn’t count as him having child free time / me needing a break in return because my mum is staying for the weekend! I’m still parenting for the weekend while he is away drinking with friends in a different country.

The whole equal 50/50 thing on MN does my head in a bit.

Life just doesn't work like that.

I went PT at work when DS was born because I wanted to. I accepted that meant I would do more childcare and house stuff because I was at home 2 days in the week.

However, I did expect DH to do his bit when he was at home. He always did the bedtime routine and an expressed bottle, but he loved that as he hadn't seen DS all day.

He even gave up his season ticket for a few years as he didn't want to be out all day. They go together now.

He still ran, but he looked after ds when when I went out or to a class or whatever. We both had a lie in on the weekend, or neither of us did if we had things to do.

Yes, it was tough, and we only had one! We have no family locally, so it was just us, and we made it work, usually by discussion, but yes, there were rows! It's all about being a partnership and grown-ups. Not tit for tat, jusya bit of equity.

The one thing I'd really take up with him Op is the business of your DM being there to help, it's not about having another adult to help you, he's their DF and they're his responsabilty too. Too many men seem to think getting a woman to do their share counts as parenting.

Of course YANBU. As if he wouldn't also be trying to even things up if it was the other way around!

Could you try to take something up? It makes no sense but some men are happier to watch the kids while their wife goes to a Pilates class/book club/cafe with friend/whatever, than while she sits upstairs with a book.

I appreciate that you probably just want to relax rather than join a new hobby! Could you try saying you're off to get your nails done or something? My point is that when you're out of the house it's easier because he can't claim it's unfair that you're going out (as he goes out) & no temptation to rely on Mum because she's there...

A weekday evening when the kids are in bed is not special extra childfree time. Surely everyone gets that once their kids go to bed?

I'd start scheduling things at the weekends if I were you!