Skinny Shaming?

[NoSourDough]

In a shop today with DD (almost 13) when she told me the bag she was carrying was giving her a paper cut. Out of nowhere an older lady appeared and declared “well maybe if you ate some food your bag wouldn’t be so heavy!” and walked off in the queue with her husband.

At first me and DD were a bit shocked, it was a card shop and I was looking through the cards and as I did so was registering what she just said.

My daughter is tall yet small framed, a bit like me and my DH were when we were her age. If she was a bigger girl and that woman had fat shamed her it would have been completely unacceptable.

We queued up and she was about 3 in front of me and I decided I wanted to pull her up on it as my daughter is very size and weight sensitive and I knew this comment had stung.

Unfortunately she left the shop and after I couldn’t find her in the market square as I wanted to say to her that I felt that comment was unacceptable.

am I being unreasonable to feel this way or over sensitive here?

The moment has passed.

That's a horrible thing to say to anyone but particularly a child.

It doesn't even make sense!

Yes it did - I could have pulled her up in the line but I didn’t want to do that to my daughter and cause further embarrassment

I think this is an example of what another OP started a thread about

Why on earth is this rather bizarre, irrational and nonsensical comment even in your mind, why is it taking up head space?

People are weird, they say and do weird things that dont make sense. This is one of them. Get on with your day.

I know…it was so weird.

Ah that will be having the child that is a preteen that is severely sensitive about her weight ato and spoke about it non stop on the way home from the shopping trip. Easier said than done actually!

In this case, I'd not make it into a big deal or show that you're annoyed...just laugh with her at the sheer absurdity of her comment

Well shut it down then, explain that people are bizarre and say and do things that dont make sense and this doesnt make sense. Paper cuts equated with weight, equated with the weight of a carrier bag, who can make sense of that? Be like Judge Judy, if something doesnt make sense, it isnt true, aka, theres nothing wrong with you

She will have perhaps instinctively understood you wanted to go and challenge the woman, but to what end, what would the woman have said?!! So play it down because its nothing.

Surely she meant that the bag was heavy and she could lighten it by eating some of the items in it. I don't think she was referring to your DDs body at all.

YANBU at all

she didn’t mean that - she looked at her waist, it was a rude comment. She meant her weight

I agree many people feel it's absolutely okay to call people skinny etc, but 'fat shaming' brings people out in rage. My DH has always been very thin and sporty, at school he used to wear 2 pairs of socks to make his ankles look thicker. A while ago we had friends round, DH crossed his legs at an angle that make them look thinner and a friend pointed and said "god, look how thin (name) legs are!!!!" Both friends are obese, if one of us cried "look how fat (name) belly/legs are" we would quite rightly be slaughtered! But it's fine if they're skinny shaming. DH is really conscious of his thin legs, he wasn't particularly bothered by the comment but still not okay

Thank you!

My daughter is always being skinny shamed, it’s happened a lot. Even a doctor said “does she eat?” - and she eats a lot!

Some people on this thread talking like it’s nothing when it was my daughter who was more raged than I was today. It’s not acceptable to comment on anyone’s weight, regardless of if they are bigger or smaller, it’s simply not ok.

Who on earth suggests eating their shopping whilst out to lighten the load a bit? 🫤

Yes - bearing in mind the bags contained non-edible products 🤣🤣🤣

The woman was clearly rude. Whether she meant to be or not it was rude. How can anyone possibly know how much or little someone is eating just because they’re slim? I used to be tiny as a kid but would eat like a horse

@NoSourDough as a teen he played a lot of football and tennis, he particularly liked the trend of wearing sweatbands as they made his wrists look thicker, quite funny now but at the time he was really self conscious, probably like your DD. People seem to think it's just a case of "well eat more" but he eats plenty just has a healthy diet and doesn't want to eat fatty stuff or sugary food because it's really not good for you! The woman in the shop sounds bonkers as well as incredibly rude!

The reason why I wanted to speak to the woman is because I wanted to say that sometimes kids can be sensitive about their weight and maybe she should think before she speaks about such topics.

As like @alloutofcareunits DH, my DD also tries to eat healthy foods but she struggles to gain weight. She is so sensitive about it so the comment hasn’t gone down well. It was just so unnecessary.

It’s all well and good people saying just forget about it but the shop was busy and she said it loudly - there was just no need.

You think talking to someone who says such a thing in the first place will have any impact?

And the fact that she said it loudly means people will have been looking at her and thinking bad things about her, not you and your daughter, they'll have been thinking she was just really strange. Which she was.

Its not skinny shaming, its some randomer coming up and making a nonsensical comment, it doesnt have any validity or sense to it.

You wouldn't say that if someone went up to an obese person and called them a fat rhino would you?

Skinny shaming is just as bad as fat shaming OP but you'll get the usual lot along saying it's not as bad as skinny is the 'ideal.'

I would've seen red. I've had similar comments made to me my whole life and was relentlessly bullied when younger. Don't get the fat people silence you into believing this is okay just because she's 'skinny.'

Dreadful.

Why’s it not skinny shaming?

You could say that about most threads on MN. I'm not sure what you think your comments will do to make OP move on? Also it works both ways - I f questions like this affront you, scrolling on by is a possibility.

OP
I was once an extremely skinny kid much like your DD and trust me those comments (and there were always plenty of them) did hurt. Like you say, if you'd said something at the time she may have felt more embarrassed at you drawing attention to it. Maybe chat to her about what a rude twat that lady was and work on some polite yet firm responses she would feel comfortable saying back next time. Perhaps the MN classic with a head tilt "Did you mean to be so rude?".

Because its so nonsensical, its not really actually about her and her weight, it would be like someone approaching you and mithering about the colour of your shopping bag or calling you four eyes or something. How seriously would you take it?

I have always been incredibly thin, for absolutely no apparent reason (although possible Marfans type features in the family). This kind of comment is something I always found to be incredibly hurtful, not least because I did (and do) eat plenty, including very fattening stuff. I would always try to brush it off and tell myself that people can be rude and unpleasant but that is so much easier said than done and the words stay with you. There's so much tied up in it- the suggestion that I wasn't trying hard enough, or that my appearance was something that was so shocking to others that they couldn't help themselves but comment. It's been an absolute revelation to me to hit my 40s and actually begin to see the scales creeping up a little!

I'm sorry that your daughter had to put up with that today. Total ignorance and awful manners from the lady who said it.

Skinny shamed is a nonsense and I don’t think you help your DD by buying into this victimisation mentality.

A horrible person was horrible. It’s a shame but it happens, yes, what a cow, now, where are we going next? Oh yes, Boots. Come along!