To book a surprise holiday for my partner’s birthday?

[SeemToBeConfoosed]

We’ve agreed no holidays this year as we are saving up a house deposit with plans to buy early next year. We have one trip booked to see his family abroad but that’s different as we’ll be staying with them and only paid for flights. We are all on track to have our house deposit ready next year with other little bits left over for new appliances etc.

I’ve also come into a bit of extra money. Nothing major, but about £1000 gifted to me from my aunt on behalf of my grandmother.

DP has mentioned a few times he’d love to go to Greece, but he isn’t wavering on the “no holidays this year” stance. I haven’t pressured him but I do think it’s a shame as we have a bit of spare spending money even if we stick to our house deposit goal, and we also plan to TTC as soon as we’ve bought the house and I want us to enjoy the spontaneity and double income no kids lifestyle whilst we have it, within reason.

It’s not a case of him not being interested, as I said, it’s one of his dreams to go to Greece, but I don’t think he can justify it in n his mind at the moment. He grew up in an impoverished country, single mother working 3 jobs, nothing for his birthdays etc and often denies himself treats. I’ve found 4 nights in a gorgeous part Greece from our local airport the week of his birthday (he’s already booked the week off) with Breakfast included for about £500 all-in-all. It’s a fab deal especially as his birthday is in August. The rest of my £1000 would be dinners, snacks, transfers etc. Going any longer than 4 nights the price jumps up massively so it will deffo be 4 nights. He wouldn’t be asked to spend a single penny on the holiday as that’s obviously an awful position to put somebody in, I’ll cover everything.

So, would I be unreasonable to book it? I just worry I’ll put him in an awkward situation or he’ll feel like I haven’t listened to him stating he doesn’t want a holiday this year. But surely, if I’ve come into some money and wanted to get him a really special gift, then that’s different? It would be a surprise also, tell him on his birthday and then leave 2 days later. That at least gives him time to get his head around it. I genuinely think he’ll love it once he’s there. It’s a pain because he always says he doesn’t like surprises but I know if I ask him now and offer to pay for the holiday he’ll feel guilty and say no.

Opinions welcomed, thank you!

I’ve saved the most but that’s circumstantial, he does his bit more than enough too

Tell him.in advance. Or you will discover he booked camping with his mates

I would also discuss it with him first.

Don’t do it as a surprise, offer it and let him say if he’d rather you kept it or even put it towards the deposit.

Don’t book it as a surprise, personally I hate surprise trips, I like to look forward to a holiday and if he really wants to go to Greece you’ve taken that bit of the enjoyment away.

Talk to him, explain what you have here and agree what to do.

You could put it towards your deposit and go after you’ve moved maybe?

No. Add it to your savings. £1000 won't even cover a weekend away with spends. I would be furious if my oh did this when we are supposed to be saving.

Is he someone who likes surprises? I would be absolutely thrilled to bits.

My DD would have a total meltdown.

Do you not want to get married?

He doesn't like surprises and doesn't want a holiday, so a surprise holiday doesn't seem like something he'd love.

Spend your inheritance on something for you, from your grandmother.

@Bluenotgreen it says in the OP that he doesn't like surprises. (I would have a panic attack, but anyone who knows me wouldn't book a holiday for me 😁)

I know my DH would be delighted, would love the surprise and be of the opinion that it was extra cash that we hadn't committed to saving and would want to enjoy it.

I would hate the surprise element, would be happy to spend the money but would have wanted to be part of the planning and enjoying the build up.

Others would be appalled at wasting it on something as frivolous as a short break and would be really cross that it hadn't been added to the joint savings pot.

And I get some people wouldn't mind the holiday but would feel hurt / upset / angry that they hadn't been consulted and that it wasn't a joint decision.

Only you'll know which side DH might come down on. I think the surprise has a higher risk and the last thing I would want to be doing is dragging a grumpy partner on a plane to Greece if he's likely to take it badly for whatever reason.

Not sure very many adults like surprises tbh.

If you're a true partnership and planning to buy a joint house and have kids, to me it doesn't really help that he won't be asked to spend anything. The fact is that's money that as a couple you could have put towards your future. Not to mention that maybe you'll book Corfu and actually his dream was to see Athens, for example.

Put it in a separate savings account and if you meet your goals, go on a holiday when you've bought the house. TTC or not, you'll still have quite a few months where a holiday will be possible. August in Greece could be hell too, it's very hot.

You would be totally unreasonable to book it after you have both agreed on no holidays. Discuss it with him. He may change his mind as you have the inheritance. If not treat yourself to something nice or save it for after the house move.

Or use it to get married. I personally wouldn't have children outside of marriage. Lots of horror stories on Mumsnet to support why not. But that's an entirely different thread.

I hate surprises. To the extent that I end up ill with anxiety if I think one is on the horizon. This is the one bugbear and incompatibility thing that we have. We work around it.
How much does he like/hate surprises? How far against your joint principles would spending this windfall be? Would it cause major ructions and ruin the holiday/ , birthday etc?

he’s not the type that would have a panic attack or a meltdown or anything like that over the surprise. He’s very levelheaded.

I think he’d just feel guilty and ask why I’d done it. He does genuinely want to go to Greece and talks about it often

I guess if we spoke about it we could go in April/May instead and save money rather than going in August. It would still be an early birthday gift.

I would do up a nice birthday card with all the details laid out, so the flights, hotel, trips, transfers, budget and where the money is coming from. Cook a nice dinner and go happy birthday, this is what I would like to give you because you dont treat yourself and I think you are awesome and worth being treated. Then see what he says and chat it through. It means its still a surprise, but the surprise is before you have spent the money, so you have a chance to divert if he really wouldnt like it.

I'd put it in the deposit fund

Then maybe keep some aside to buy a nice item for the house - you'll need furniture etc and even if using charity shops etc you'll still need an outlay for the essentials

The house is more important for the future/security

Saving for a house deposit at the moment is bloody hard work so I wouldn't want to take anything away from the sacrifices that many couples have to make to get to that point and yes, £1000, is a decent amount of money for appliances, furniture etc.

But given that this was a gift I'd still be tempted to do something with it that has some significance. When DH and I look back at the time before DC we remember the holidays, the day trips, weekends away, places we visited and people we met.

Others have mentioned it but if you're not married I'd also be making sure I had some protection if things went wrong, particularly if you're thinking about kids. It does feel as if you are putting g everything in this communal pot - this is still technically your money - make sure you are also protecting your financial independence.

I definitely wouldn't do this. He's been very clear that he doesn't want to spend any money on a holiday this year, and turning something actually only you want to do into a birthday present for him is manipulative IMO. From your description it sounds like your DP would appreciate something small and thoughtful for his birthday this year.