To want to go to America next year. On my own.

[Thebrightnesshasfaded]

A close friend moved to the US last year. She sent an invitation for her wedding in summer next year. They’ve invited all my family (me, dh & Dd, who will be 8 by then)
They are wealthy and are providing two nights stay at a 5 star hotel for two nights for visitors coming from outside America and a limo pick up and drop from the hotel to the venue. We basically just need to pay flights. This is still a lot for all of us. I keep having fantasies about me going on my own, getting a long connection between flights and staying in one of the city stops on the way….these seem to be either New York, Washington or California.
I imagine i’d be gone 4/5 days total.
At present I haven’t spent a full day alone or away.
I loved travelling when younger and am just longing for a solo adventure like this.
I imagine Dh would be flabbergasted by it

Aibu to go/want to go?

If the invite is for all of you as a family then personally I think it would be nicer for you all to go together. However, you absolutely need to be doing things by yourself. How on earth has your child got to this age and you've never even had a day to yourself?! This really isn't right. You need space to just be "you" occasionally, not always wife and mum.

Your daughter is 8 and you have never had a day on your own??!!

Are you happy for him to take similar time off for his own trip? If yes, it sounds fine.

Bit difficult given DH and DD have been invited, as you'd be telling them they couldn't go to something they might enjoy. Which is subtly but significantly different from arranging your own solo trip with never a suggestion they'd join you.

Mmm not sure. DD and DH have been invited for a lovely break that would be educational for DD and you want to spend the cost of theolir flights on yourself. Sounds mean.

Of course you should go if you want to. I presume that you would be willing to support DH to do a solo trip of his own if he wanted one?

I mean, personally, I wouldn't want to step foot in the US at the moment, but fair enough if you want to go to your friend's wedding.

I mean America is a bit dodgy at the moment (I say this as an American), but why would you not? I went to America on my own for 2 weeks and 3 weeks when my eldest was young. I went to Australia for 2 weeks. All when she was under school age. Those trips were work related, but I go away on my own most years. Went to Spain for 9 days last year. Dh is a perfectly competent parent and manages just fine without me, just like I manage just fine without him.

I don’t understand why you don’t do this all the time. Why would your DH be ‘flabbergasted’? She’s your friend. Flights for three people, two of whom have no particular interest in attending this wedding, makes no sense to me.

I go away alone a lot, and have done since DS was a baby/toddler. He has another attuned, available parent, and when I got pregnant, I certainly didn’t sign up for never spending extended periods of time alone again!

Start now by having the odd night away by yourself. Have a mini city break or spa hotel, or even just a train ride to a new town for the night.

Gets both DH and DD used to it. They'll be fine!

I'm all for partners maintaining their own sense of self, friends, going away separately etc. I think this would be pretty mean though considering you're all invited and it sounds as though your DH would anticipate you all going. I can't imagine doing this to my husband nor him to me.

If he'd genuinely be delighted for you then that's different but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

I mean… I can definitely see the appeal in going alone but I think I’d like it even more if I took DH & DS, and I’d be sad if my DH decided he didn’t want us all to go if we could afford to. I wouldn’t stop him from going, but the invite is to all of you…

I’d take the “adventure for everyone” and build in some time alone into the plans, if you need it.

This sounds like an amazing opportunity and I wouldn't dream of going without my family. Unless there is a backstory to this I think it's a bit mean that you would uninvite them. Nothing wrong with wanting some time/adventure alone but maybe arrange something another time.

I do wonder if this was a man stating the same whether the reactions of 'just do it and leave them behind' would be so prevalent especially if the wife and child had been invited to the fantastic opportunity abroad.

A man wouldn’t be asking, as though it was a weird and anomalous thing to do.

If your husband wanted to do this, would you be happy? If you would then its reasonable that he should be happy for you to go. 5 days is nothing is it?
Promise to get childcare sorted out so he isn't too put out! It may swing it for you!

Failing that, can you leave your child at home with granny?

OP my DS is 3. I go abroad on my own or with my sister every year. My husband does the same. By himself or with his brother.

Go. As long as your DH can go on a 5 day trip himself at some point then there really shouldn’t be an issue. Of course you’d need to be able to afford that.

She lives in Arizona, not sure how much there is to do, but i’d be very content staying by the pool a bit and seeing her, just getting away 😂
I’ve been to New york, so think i’d choose one of the other two. It will likely be not much time and a little rushed, but on my own, it would be easy I reckon

I agree with this.

I'm making an assumption here but this is a trip that could not be repeated for the family in terms of expenses, and you only having to fund the flight money.

I'd be put out at missing the opportunity if I was dh since the invite is extended to all of you as a family

Not unreasonable to do other solo trips tho, providing you both have the opportunity so I would take steps to start planning a different trip alone for myself

Personally I won't be going to America any time soon on principle. Trying to also change my consumer habits so I don't buy anything American so ditching amazon etc

But I don't see a problem you going alone if that is what you want sounds fab

How many people you know will be there?

Bear in mind that when people invite you to a wedding, they are not going to have much time to spend with you, simply due to there being a lot of people there from different facets of their life, all of whom they need to interact with.

They might have invited you all because they know this and don't want to feel any obligation to keep you occupied when you turn up on your own.

Go! OK in the current climate it MAY seem unwise to SOME ppl, but who's to say it will ever get better? And travel(l)ing alone is FUN!
We're all aware of the extra care we need to take as women, but that's the same everywhere.

Dd is 6 at the moment, will be 8 at the time of the wedding. Dh takes her out for quite a few hours/half days sometimes, but I haven’t had a full day/night/weekend to myself.

I can’t go just Dh and I as my parents would struggle to have her for that long

The reason i’m thinking to go on my own is firstly, the cost, just flights for me and a bit of spending money is much much less than for three of us. With the total cost, i’d rather take Dd somewhere she would love.
Secondly, Dd isn’t keen on travel, this is quite a lot in terms of a hassle travel wise, plus Dh isn’t that fussed about travelling in this sense and I think he’d probably see it as being more stressful than worthwhile.

But to me, it sounds like an adventure, i’d love to see my friend and selfish as it may sound, i’d love to just be it me, if only for a short while.

I agree. I'd be gutted if DH told me I had to stay at home, especially if I needed to take any annual leave to do it.

But if the dh wants to go too then it's the OP who's stopping him from being happy.

I think it would be mean to insist on going on your own if all are invited and he wants to go. If he's not bothered then that's a different thing.

Go. Travelling alone is very liberating. I miss it. You get to talk to so many more people than when you’re in a pair or group.
Also, depending on level of needs, 2x transatlantic crossing could be very difficult for a neurodivergent child, with long flights and time differences.

Absolutely do this. Sounds like it would be stressful to take your daughter and not really the holiday she'd enjoy.

Go on your own, enjoy your trip and save for a holiday separately that suits all of you.

And start having days/nights/weekends away now, don't wait 2 years! They'll be fine and you need to have a life of your own.