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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with OH

53 replies

Weddingbells6 · 08/03/2025 08:55

What age did you let your kids come downstairs in the morning while you have an extra half hour in bed?

I have twins (7) one is autistic and frightened of everything - dark etc, he wouldn’t be able to make any sort of breakfast as he struggles to close doors behind him and makes risky choices, he wouldn’t really be safe but likely nothing catastrophic would happen.

My OH has basically allowed me to get up with them since they were born, he’s never been good at getting up in the mornings and openly admits that. I am so bitter about it because I’ve spent many of these years working FT like him and still got up with them. I work PT now and have come to enjoy getting up early with them as I feel like I’ve wasted some of the day if I stay in bed past about 8.30am. The kids have gotten better at not getting up too early so for example this morning it was 7.20am.

My OH has apologised over the years and said things like ‘tell them to wake me.’ But they literally climb into bed and talk so other than chucking water on him (at which point I would be wide awake) there’s not much else to be done.

But now they’ve gotten to an age where they should probably come down and watch TV or play for an hour without adult help he’s using that as an excuse for not getting up and it’s really pissing me
off! He’s spent 7 years avoiding it and now he would just send an autistic child that needs reminding to use the toilet and who is petrified of being alone unless it’s light and TV is on downstairs because he’s old enough. He’s still in bed now and it’s almost 9am and he’ll come down all sleepy and eyes half open and honestly I want to tell him to feck off. I think my girl twin is starting to see that it’s not fair and her attitude towards him is different, she doesn’t say morning etc which is probably a bit rude but what child would want to be up 1.5 hours before their parent which is about the norm? Boy twin doesn’t care but that’s because I am there, he would care if he were made to come down alone and I stayed in bed.

Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
dropzoneonee · 08/03/2025 08:57

I don't think 7 is old enough to send downstairs to watch an hour of tv alone...

Whether he is a morning person or not he is responsible for being a parent. In our house, H lies in on Saturdays, me on Sundays.

Ferrazzuoli · 08/03/2025 09:00

Of course lie ins should be shared but, realistically, if he's been doing this for 7 years he's unlikely to start leaping out of bed now. Can you make sure that you get a similar amount of "me time" at the weekend but at a different time? Go for a coffee or a swim or meet a friend while he holds the fort.

Original poster
Weddingbells6 · 08/03/2025 09:01

dropzoneonee · 08/03/2025 08:57

I don't think 7 is old enough to send downstairs to watch an hour of tv alone...

Whether he is a morning person or not he is responsible for being a parent. In our house, H lies in on Saturdays, me on Sundays.

Thank you. I’m so glad yours was the 1st response (I’m feeling fragile) I know there will be an army of people that say I obviously hate him or that I’m a mug for getting up but I don’t even really want them to sit on their own for more that maybe 30 mins at a time to be honest. He’s just using it as an excuse because he’s never been able to get up.

How do your kids wake you? I’m only asking because the fair thing is what you’re doing but my OH is so hard to wake that by the time I had woken him I would be wide awake and find it difficult to get back to sleep. I also think his definition of a lie in is a bit of a piss take, 1.5 to 2 hours seems a bit excessive, an extra hour seems more reasonable.

OP posts:
Runningoutofthyme · 08/03/2025 09:02

Doesn’t matter that you’d be wide awake, he’s a cf, wake him up and just stay in bed dozing/ reading/ anything you like he needs to get up!

he can do Sundays and you do Saturdays going forward or whatever way round works

Original poster
Weddingbells6 · 08/03/2025 09:03

Ferrazzuoli · 08/03/2025 09:00

Of course lie ins should be shared but, realistically, if he's been doing this for 7 years he's unlikely to start leaping out of bed now. Can you make sure that you get a similar amount of "me time" at the weekend but at a different time? Go for a coffee or a swim or meet a friend while he holds the fort.

He won’t change I know, I am asking him to split up at the moment (didn’t want to muddle loads of things into one post) and I think I was looking for some validation that it’s not fair really because I am sat here thinking about how unfair it all is and he just doesn’t even realise.

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 08/03/2025 09:03

Can't they just play in their room for an hour till you get up?

UpTheLaganInABubble1 · 08/03/2025 09:04

It doesn't matter what other people's kids can do on their own. Yours aren't OK to come downstairs and look after themselves for an hour so one of you needs to get up.

Wake your OH up when the kids come to get you and tell him it's his turn

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 08/03/2025 09:05

How does he wake and get himself up for work the rest of the week? Of course he can wake up, he's just ignoring you/DC. If you split he'll have them every other weekend so will have to get up with them then anyway.

Original poster
Weddingbells6 · 08/03/2025 09:05

Doggymummar · 08/03/2025 09:03

Can't they just play in their room for an hour till you get up?

Well I guess that’s kind of what I was asking. Do people do that? My autistic son would struggle with this and an hour seems like a long time without an adult.

OP posts:
geekone · 08/03/2025 09:05

So I can’t vote, you are not being unreasonable wanting him to wake. However you are unreasonable to leave 7 year olds go to breakfast alone. I dont think my child has even woken before me really, he’s always slept late since he was little so I am always up making his breakfast even at 15 (I know I know)
I think it sucks but probably 10 years old for your NT twin would be ok. I assume this is your OH’s only downside?

Original poster
Weddingbells6 · 08/03/2025 09:07

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 08/03/2025 09:05

How does he wake and get himself up for work the rest of the week? Of course he can wake up, he's just ignoring you/DC. If you split he'll have them every other weekend so will have to get up with them then anyway.

I say this to him all the time! He sets an alarm and sleeps through it. I do ‘find my iohone’ until he wakes up. If I am really annoyed with him I don’t help and he manages to get up from the alarm but with little time to get ready for work.

OP posts:
Onlycoffee · 08/03/2025 09:10

It doesn't matter that you are already awake, even if you can't go back to sleep he needs to get up and parent his own children. You can lie in bed and read, or do a hobby or watch television or YouTube, it doesnt matte rhow you use that time.

How does he normally wake up for work, and at what time? X posted sorry, just seen you replied to this.

Original poster
Weddingbells6 · 08/03/2025 09:13

Onlycoffee · 08/03/2025 09:10

It doesn't matter that you are already awake, even if you can't go back to sleep he needs to get up and parent his own children. You can lie in bed and read, or do a hobby or watch television or YouTube, it doesnt matte rhow you use that time.

How does he normally wake up for work, and at what time? X posted sorry, just seen you replied to this.

Edited

He sets an alarm, sleeps through it and snoozes it and complains 4/5 days a week that he hasn’t got much time to get ready for work, I also phone him or do ‘find my iPhone’ to wake him, it’s pathetic isn’t it? Typing it out, sat here 2 hours after I got up while he’s laid in bed, I can see it’s pathetic.

OP posts:
Onlycoffee · 08/03/2025 09:13

Weddingbells6 · 08/03/2025 09:07

I say this to him all the time! He sets an alarm and sleeps through it. I do ‘find my iohone’ until he wakes up. If I am really annoyed with him I don’t help and he manages to get up from the alarm but with little time to get ready for work.

Show quote history

It's not your job. How did he get up before he met you?
Don't help him get up because he's not learning his actions have consequences. Let him get up without much time to get ready for days in a row, see how long it takes him to actually be a proper adult and get himself up.

Motomum23 · 08/03/2025 09:17

You have to stop parenting him. Seriously. When he is awake and functioning later tell him you are no longer going to help him get up in the mornings. And you expect him to get up with the kids one morning a week - he CAN get up he's actively choosing not to.

HenDoNot · 08/03/2025 09:21

He’s pathetic, I don’t see how you’d be any worse off if he just fucked off and left you to it.

In fact at least then you wouldn’t be able to voluntarily take on the responsibility for getting this absolute waste of skin up for work in the morning.

Original poster
Weddingbells6 · 08/03/2025 09:22

Onlycoffee · 08/03/2025 09:13

It's not your job. How did he get up before he met you?
Don't help him get up because he's not learning his actions have consequences. Let him get up without much time to get ready for days in a row, see how long it takes him to actually be a proper adult and get himself up.

Show quote history

He worked evenings so I think he just used to lay in. Before we had children we both just slept until we woke up, I just didn’t even think for a second that I would need to check that he knew that having children meant you got up when they got up - he was 28 when they were born so hardly a baby.

OP posts:
LifeInAHamsterWheel · 08/03/2025 09:22

Sounds like you're a single parent to 3 children OP

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 08/03/2025 09:23

Neither of us are morning people at all.
DD is fine downstairs by herself but DS has autism and ADHD and isn’t safe without an adult.

During the week, or if we have plans, we just force ourselves to get up.

Weekends with no plans, we have breakfast in bed and ask the kids to stay upstairs where we can hear them until we get up.
they can be in either of their rooms, or our room, but not downstairs.

mamajong · 08/03/2025 09:23

Yab a bit u. I'm an early riser, and feel like I've wasted my morning if I'm not up and dressed by 9, but DH isn't and likes a small lie in until around 9 on weekends if we have no plans.

You have chosen to get up and chosen not to wake DH despite him saying that it's ok to, and now they are older you have become resentful, but by your own admission you enjoy getting up with them, so probably would still get up even if he did too. At this age I think its fine for kids to amuse themselves for an hour or so before the parents get up, but I'm basing that on my own kids and only you guys know what's right for yours and their particular needs.

If this is the only thing it seems like you are just a morning person and he isn't. If there are wider issues of him not supporting with things then that's different or if you WANT a lie in that's ok too, but I can see why he'd be annoyed if getting up early to give you a lie in if you don't want it.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 08/03/2025 09:24

But your H is being very unfair with the balance of this and is ignoring his share of responsibility.

Original poster
Weddingbells6 · 08/03/2025 09:24

HenDoNot · 08/03/2025 09:21

He’s pathetic, I don’t see how you’d be any worse off if he just fucked off and left you to it.

In fact at least then you wouldn’t be able to voluntarily take on the responsibility for getting this absolute waste of skin up for work in the morning.

Thank you, my life would be easier I know that for sure. It’s a complicated situation really and I don’t want to go into loads of details but I would like rid of him. I was just hoping the women on here would
reaffirm that his behaviour is selfish and therefore I feel better in the knowledge that this is another reason to not want him anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weddingbells6 · 08/03/2025 09:28

Motomum23 · 08/03/2025 09:17

You have to stop parenting him. Seriously. When he is awake and functioning later tell him you are no longer going to help him get up in the mornings. And you expect him to get up with the kids one morning a week - he CAN get up he's actively choosing not to.

Honestly I’ve said it until I’m blue in the face, he used to apologise and say he knows he has an issue with getting up and will try - set an alarm, get the kids to shake him etc but the last time I did that he said to them ‘go downstairs and I’ll be down in a bit.’ But he likely would have fallen back to sleep and it’s hours sometimes before he emerges and the autistic one maybe would wet himself giving me another job. He sometimes says ‘what time shall I set my alarm?’ but you never know exactly what time they’ll get up and he sleeps through the alarm anyway so it would just be potentially waking me - it’s easier to just get up!

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 08/03/2025 09:28

dropzoneonee · 08/03/2025 08:57

I don't think 7 is old enough to send downstairs to watch an hour of tv alone...

Whether he is a morning person or not he is responsible for being a parent. In our house, H lies in on Saturdays, me on Sundays.

Of course a 7 year old is old enough.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 08/03/2025 09:30

Weddingbells6 · 08/03/2025 09:03

He won’t change I know, I am asking him to split up at the moment (didn’t want to muddle loads of things into one post) and I think I was looking for some validation that it’s not fair really because I am sat here thinking about how unfair it all is and he just doesn’t even realise.

Show quote history

It isn't fair and I'll bet it is just the tip of the iceberg of the all extra you do. It's still really hard doing it on my own with Autistic kids but there's a lot less resentment and bitterness now we're seperated. It's lovely coming home knowing he wont be there. People like this don't change, he's inherently and deeply selfish, all you can do is decide what you can live with.