To be annoyed with OH

[Weddingbells6]

What age did you let your kids come downstairs in the morning while you have an extra half hour in bed?

I have twins (7) one is autistic and frightened of everything - dark etc, he wouldn’t be able to make any sort of breakfast as he struggles to close doors behind him and makes risky choices, he wouldn’t really be safe but likely nothing catastrophic would happen.

My OH has basically allowed me to get up with them since they were born, he’s never been good at getting up in the mornings and openly admits that. I am so bitter about it because I’ve spent many of these years working FT like him and still got up with them. I work PT now and have come to enjoy getting up early with them as I feel like I’ve wasted some of the day if I stay in bed past about 8.30am. The kids have gotten better at not getting up too early so for example this morning it was 7.20am.

My OH has apologised over the years and said things like ‘tell them to wake me.’ But they literally climb into bed and talk so other than chucking water on him (at which point I would be wide awake) there’s not much else to be done.

But now they’ve gotten to an age where they should probably come down and watch TV or play for an hour without adult help he’s using that as an excuse for not getting up and it’s really pissing me
off! He’s spent 7 years avoiding it and now he would just send an autistic child that needs reminding to use the toilet and who is petrified of being alone unless it’s light and TV is on downstairs because he’s old enough. He’s still in bed now and it’s almost 9am and he’ll come down all sleepy and eyes half open and honestly I want to tell him to feck off. I think my girl twin is starting to see that it’s not fair and her attitude towards him is different, she doesn’t say morning etc which is probably a bit rude but what child would want to be up 1.5 hours before their parent which is about the norm? Boy twin doesn’t care but that’s because I am there, he would care if he were made to come down alone and I stayed in bed.

Can anyone relate?

It’s not very nice though is it? To be sat on your own, I didn’t like it when I was little and I don’t think that them getting up after 7am is very early. They go to bed at 8pm so there’s lots of time there to get a decent nights sleep and also get up at the same time as your kids. I think if it was just my daughter I would maybe do 30 minutes of her watching TV, grabbing a drink etc and it’s good to know some people think it’s old enough but my son would probably wee himself without someone to remind him to use the toilet, he gets muddled up and sometimes looks for you outside even if he knows you’re in the bath etc.

Of course his behaviour isn't reasonable. It's ridiculous, entitled and frankly I'm surprised you didn't leave him years ago.
I remember my auntie saying the first time her husband acted like this she sat him down and offered divorce or fair division of work.
Imagine how much nicer your life will be when you just have two children who will grow up without his dreadful attitude and behaviour as a model. And you won't have to be angry about his selfishness all the time which must be tiring.

Honestly it feels that way but if you could hear him talk 😂 he thinks he’s a ‘good guy’ and regularly refers to himself as one. He is very opinionated and it’s gotten to the point where in my head I say things like ‘you’ve got a lot to say for a man that can’t get out of bed for work.’ He is about 7 stone overweight at the moment but I was talking about snacking on crisps and chocolate the other day and he said ‘I don’t do that anyway.’ And then I watched him eat chocolate every day for the next 2 weeks as a snack. I am only giving that example so you can see the amount of delusion he suffers from!

Thanks, I don’t want him, he is selfish in many ways tbh. I can hear him snoring and it’s 9.40am and the kids were in bed asleep at 8pm so there’s no real excuse for him being the way he is. He has nowhere to go and a significant amount of debt, I know it’s not my fault / responsibility but it’s hard when it’s a long term relationship.

YANBU, a lie in each at the weekend is the fairest way.
We do things slightly differently, OH gets a Saturday and I get a Sunday, however I choose to get up at 8 and go to the gym on a Sunday, but leaving OH up with the DC (5 and 7)
Most Saturdays they do come down an hour or so before me and I lay in scrolling with a cup of tea, however they love art and just go to the playroom and get some playdough, colouring, cutting out to do, with both doors open they can hear me and I can hear them, they'll often get themselves a snack but as soon as they ask for breakfast I get up. I appreciate this is different for you as well as your son has autism.

I think he needs to be a grown up here. I hate mornings but I have a DD so have to get on with it like most people! My DH and I take turns in lie ins and turns in bringing up coffee too. If your DH genuinely sleeps through alarms etc he needs to take steps to sort things out and/or contribute significantly in other ways.
I suspect this is one of many things he leaves to you and he is not playing his part in what should be a team. I think if you’ve spoken to him about things and nothing changes and/or you get the ‘it’s just how I am’ response, then splitting up is a sensible option.
The only thing I can think of relates to what you said about him not eating well and debt. Are there any MH issues at play? If so, he needs to take steps to address these, but it’s not something you can do for him. Good luck.

If you're married his debt is your debt - you should go and see a solicitor. You are in quite a vulnerable position with an autistic 7 year old who sounds like he has quite high needs. Imagine you split up, that may constrain your ability to work, especially if e.g. school refusal happens later in your child's life.
"Ex"-DH wouldn't do his part if he doesn't do it now.

I feel worried for you as it seems like you might be in a tighter situation than you realise.

oh hang on, he's an OH, of course he is. So then you're into - whose house is it? If it's yours then get rid of him, happy days.

Definitely some MH issues but he hasn’t seen a GP in probably 20 years and I would put money on him being potentially autistic. It’s all very sad and messy.

That’s a good compromise and very honest thanks. We have dogs so one of us would need to get up to let them out once they’ve heard the kids moving around but I suppose I could go back up to bed, I tried to get the autistic one to lay with me for 10 minutes this morning and he was like a worm, stroking my hair (not in an enjoyable way) whispering to me etc 😂 he was trying his best but once he’s up, he’s up!

My kinds were OK going downstairs by themselves from around 5, they've just watch TV, and sometimes get dressed if we had something on, until we make breakfast. When the TV is on they are happy just sitting so I don't worry they're going to be climbing around or arguing and hurting themselves. But they're fairly sensible and not autistic, so I don't think this helps you much, if you have a child that's scared and needs help toileting then I'd agree they shouldn't go downstairs by themselves

I'd say it depends on the child. My DS wakes early and comes downstairs to watch tv on his own and has done since he was around 5. He will only watch tv and go to the toilet, he won't start trying to get something to eat/drink etc - if he wanted a drink he would come and wake us. He often gets up around 6am

I am comfortable with my DC (8 & 6, also autistic eldest and usually wouldn't go to toilet alone but the lure of screen time in the morning and company of brother means he can cope) getting up and going downstairs in the morning. It does drive me mad though that my DP sets a rule that they should only have half an hour on screens but wouldn't get up to enforce this and I am always the one to get up even this week when I am in a lot of pain from an injury. Generally I don't mind - I am a morning person, love the morning time with them and I would be awake anyway and don't really like lazing in bed once awake - but it does irritate me that he sees it as my responsibility which I think is indicative of his general attitude to parenting

He got up at 10.10am, kids were up at 7.20am, I know peoples ideas of a lay in are different but I think he takes the piss. Not a thanks for getting up with the kids or anything, just sat there like the lump he is.

Get rid of this selfish lazy loser.
His debt and housing problems are nothing to do with you.
Don't hesitate.
Get him out.

Your husband reads very much like my ex. The not getting up, the debt, the ASD children with him very likely being autistic himself. The snacks/weight thing - in my case I wasn’t hugely bothered (a little overweight myself) but watching him inhale a family bag of crisps whilst taking the mick out of others for being ‘fat’ was an unbelievable lack of insight. Honestly, it often doesn’t get better. You will find yourself becoming his carer/fixer/prop to keep the family going as the years go on, which is so much harder when you have children with additional needs.

There is a thread on relationships I think about being in similar relationships, you might want to have a read and see if it relates to your situation.

My (awaiting diagnosis) youngest woke me up at 5am by poking me in the ear hole. My other autistic child used to wake me up by digging his toes into my back. It’s exhausting isn’t it. I honestly put iplayer on a tablet and let myself gently wake up on the weekend 🤣.

It's definitely unfair, but it's always been unfair and you've put up with it for too long - which you already know as you're splitting up x

Whoever goes down to make breakfast feeds the pets too, then brings the breakfast upstairs.

DS co-sleeps and once he’s awake he’s very restless but we have a tv in our room or he has his iPad, or the Lego in his room etc. We usually manage to get him doing something for long enough to have our coffee…. maybe even 2 if he’s decides to watch a film!

@Weddingbells6 massive squishes and I’d definitely be looking at a life away from him given your other issues and his lack of effort.

With my son I had lights and lamps on timers everywhere so it wouldn’t be dark if he got up on the landing etc.

nowadays there are rechargeable wall lamps and motion sensitive lights as well that are affordable. Would they help with other aspects for your children?

It would but tbh I’m quite happy with how far he has come. He rarely gets out of bed before 7am now and he settles himself to sleep at 8pm so I just think it’s quite lazy of OH to then expect him to go pacify himself for an hour. I spoke to him when he got up and he says ‘you don’t tell them to get me up.’ He’s 35 btw so rather embarrassing that he can’t get himself out of bed but he’s playing the victim as usual.

Mine, they don’t all leave when you ask them though.

I don't think it's relevant what age other people did it at.

If you have an autistic child who isn't ready he isn't ready.

(We used to let ours get up on their owm from 5. We'd leave breakfast set up for them - croissants and pastries - and they'd watch tv).

I can relate.

And now he can have his lie ins in his own house and life is infinitely better.

You have the ability to get up with them so why can’t he. Similarly to you I thought there was also ASD at play (with OH) and for a while I debated whether to split or not as I couldnt figure out what was ASD and what was just selfishness. But then one day I realised, it doesn’t matter. The outcome is the same and it’s making you unhappy.

You want to split up so unless fixing this problem would change your mind, this issue really doesn’t matter, does it? You absolutely do not need to try and justify that or convince yourself you’re right to feel that way. You can feel any way you wish for any reason, you can want to end a relationship for all kinds of reasons and all of them are perfectly fine.

Sounds like you should be asking for help and advice on how to get him out of your house and begin the process of separation. You’ll get lots!