Asked to pick up daughter's team mate from sports club

[FunkyDancer223]

Earlier today I got a message from one of the mums on my daughter's sports team, we know each other from the school gates but speak infrequently. This is actually the first time she has ever messaged me. So she asked if I was going to be picking my daughter up at sports club and if so would I be able to pick hers up as well. Aside from them playing on the same team they do not ever really play with each other outside of the sports club.

I didn't think too much of it so said yes, she said great and then said if I could drop her at one of her older sisters friends house. Again I thought that maybe she was picking up the older sister and as such could pick the younger one at the same place.

When I went to drop her off though the friend's parent answered the door and then her mum came to the door as well with glass of wine in hand. I could then hear there was a few others as well so obviously she was having a mums night with some drinks.

To me this doesn't seem right to be asking someone else to be doing your responsibilities to pick up your child from their activities just so you can go to a friends house and start drinking for the evening. If I was in her position I would have just got my daughter and then if I knew there was a social thing on that evening just joined in later on as it wasn't as though the club finished late.

So just thought I would ask whether I was being unreasonable.

This.

YANBU since she's not a friend of yours. She's a CF.

A one off I wouldn’t mind, as long as it wasn’t massively out of my way. But it would come across as a bit rude.

"Could you give X a lift on a journey you're already doing, please?"

Normal, real life person. "Yes, of course, no problem"

Mumsnetter. "I don't know. Why do you need the lift? Are you going to give me petrol money and/or a bottle of wine for my trouble? Are you going to ask me again in the next 5 years? Is the person going to wear out my seatbelt? Is the person likely to start a conversation with me? Remind me- why do you need the lift? Is it a valid reason? When are you planning to reciprocate?"

So sorry you didn't get an invite x

You have no idea what was going on. Lots of things involve wine. Maybe she just found out her partner has been cheating or her dad is in the hospital or she’s got cervical cancer and she needed the support of her friends.

Try to assume good faith and not that someone who’s asked for one favour is a cheeky fucker.

I wouldn't think twice about it, unless it was far out of your way. Maybe in future you can make arrangements to take turns pick up or drop off so you both don't have to drive.

Maybe it was her book group night, maybe a committee meeting, friends' birthday, etc. Does it really matter? You were doing pick up anyway, Now that you are message buddies, she can return the favour for you.

She should have been transparent and said she had a party to go to

If it's a regular occurrence , that would be piss taking. But as a one off .... why not make arrangements so she could have a social
Might out? If I never arranges lifts for my three when they were younger, I would never have had a night to do something fun for myself. It takes a village and all ......

Hopefully you were not too inconvenienced?

@HeyDoodie "She should have been transparent and said she had a party to go to"

WHY?????

I'd chalk it up, but probably wouldn't do it again. You never know you may need a favour from her in future.

Yanbu.

I'll collect and drop off anyone's child in an emergency, but I'm not wasting time and fuel because selfish lazy arse can't be bothered to leave a party.

If she ever asks again, you are too busy.

The old Mumsnet giving a lift=donating a kidney equivalence.

Such a non event. Her reasons aren't important. She asked. You said yes. Doesn't sound like it was a huge inconvenience to you. And now you can call back the favour at some point - for whatever the reason.

Defiant a non event. I happily give lifts to my kids friends. If it makes the parents life a bit easier then great. My kids are often offered lifts from their friends parents. Makes my life a bit easier.
It's no wonder so many mums on here are martyrs if the feeling is that a mum may only ask for help if they the reason is an emergency deemed valid enough by other mums.

I think this is one of those things where I wouldn't mind doing it for someone else but would never ask for it myself as I would think it's too cheeky.

I am someone who would happily go out of my way to give lifts, whether an emergency or not, and it doesn't bother me. This scenario wouldn't really bother me in the sense that it's no real hardship. But the principle of asking a (1) random Mum to cover an (2) unplanned social event is cheeky to me. Because there are two slightly cheeky elements to it so it adds up to very cheeky if that makes sense!

YANBU as your daughter and her daughter are not friends. You will be ready with an excuse if she asks again.

She's a cf.
She shouldn't out other people out to enable her social life

I wouldn't cause a fuss about it, but I would find it rude if it was planned. Possibly she did just stop by to pick up the other daughter and was invited in unexpectedly, but if that wasn't the case she's rude.

Asking an acquaintance for a favour without offering to return the favour should only be for emergencies. If it's something optional like a social event, you should be making it clear that it's a casual request not a need (so the other person doesn't feel obliged to help if it's a problem) and you should explicitly be offering something in return.

I think if she'd said to you, I've been invited out unexpectedly and I'd love to go, would you be able to pick up my DD this one time, then that would be ok. It's the feeling that you've been taken advantage of that's hurtful. A good friend of mine started doing similar. Over the years we'd done lots with our kids together, with both of us present. Things like days out etc. Last year she started dropping her DD at my door then driving off without saying hello, for things which we'd planned together, the implication being that both of us would be there. As in, it would be a nice social event for us both to spend time together as well as our DDs getting to hang out. Not free childcare provided by me. After she'd done this a few times I just stopped arranging things. I was hurt too, my friend very obviously took advantage and it affected our friendship from my perspective.

Normal person: I've got a social commitment I'd like to go to, could you do me a favour and collect daughter from and drop her at a friend's house? I acknowledge it's NOT a journey you'd be doing anyway and is an inconvenience to you even if a minor one, so I'll return the favour whenever you need.

CF on Mumsnet: I'll ask a vague acquaintance to go out of their way to drop my daughter off at a party I'm going to, and make no offer to do something in return for her. I'll then pretend it was "a journey they were going to do anyway" and paint her as unreasonable if she feels I misled her.

I tend to find parents of kids on teams share lifts most of the time, like 4 kids in every car. It’s a free and easy arrangement where everyone mucks in and has their turn for mutual benefit. I couldn’t be bothered just taking others outside of this sort of arrangement unless they were friends or live very close. Traffic is bad near us though it’s no mean feat getting across town at peak times.

It wouldn’t bother me as a one off and a great way to share the load on a Friday evening (so I can also enjoy a glass of wine 😉). Would have been better if she’d have suggested lift sharing though or offered to return the favour if you were ever stuck.

@TwirlyPineapple For the avoidance of doubt, I am and always have been a lift giver not a lift giver not a lift taker. Because I live much further out of town than any of my children's friends (or acquaintances) so I always have my car. Also because life is too short to tally-keep. And because if I can do something that makes another mother's life a little easier with little or no inconvenience to myself I will-including helping her have a night off.

That’s my feeling, also it would make me feel totally able to ask for a reciprocal favour. And I always appreciate having a few of those in hand for easy life.