To want to pursue a relationship with this man.

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 07/03/2025 20:16

Yes, it is mad! There is another post on MN at the moment about a lady of 51 married to a man of 68, she says that there is no relationship left, and it seems to be because he's decided to be old, and do old men things, while she's still young. My sister married a man 16 years older than her, he is now mid 80's while she's late 60's, and she's fed up to the back teeth of living with an old man. So please, whatever you think this relationship is, think VERY carefully before committing to a man so much older than you.

Also, you say he's never had children, and you have a 10 year old, when your 10 year old is 16, your new man will be 70, will he really be up to dealing with a possibly bolshy teenage male? Have they even met yet? If so, how well do they get on?

Please don't rush into this OP, I think you will regret it.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 07/03/2025 20:17

Yanbu to pursue something at all if he makes you happy x

But saying he doesn't look particularly young was a little strange - are you worried he will look weird next to your son?

BaMamma · 07/03/2025 20:17

Is he healthy? Financially stable?

I'd say it kind of depends on where you're thinking of taking it. Different if you continue a relationship and don't move in together, to if you move in together which puts him in more of a parental role.

Is your kid's dad still in the picture?

JMSA · 07/03/2025 20:19

I'm 50 and wouldn't go out with a 64 year old. It's too old.
But if you're happy, go for it!

IMissSparkling · 07/03/2025 20:21

Another one saying don't do it. A relative is 65 and married to an 80 year old. He's in poor health so she can't do much and can't leave him to it and do her own thing like go on holiday or even visit family as there's no one else to care for him. It's no life at all for her.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 07/03/2025 20:21

Why not pursue it? You'll never know if you don't give it a try.

Hemlocked · 07/03/2025 20:23

My DP is older than 64 and I'm younger than 47. He's the love of my life. The best human being I've ever met. Some men don't turn into grumpy old men!! There's so much ageism around.

pimplebum · 07/03/2025 20:25

Do you love him

Thisshirtisonfire · 07/03/2025 20:28

My DH is 15 years older than me. Of course I know there will be harder times when he reaches very old age. And I know i may be going through my own elderly years alone. But he's the man i love. I know I'll never regret the choice I made based on love.
Currently I hardly notice the age gap. He's in his mid 50s. We've been together 12 years.
No one can tell you what to do. An age gap is a draw back of course it is.. but only you know if it's worth taking that on due to the label of connection you have. You have to weigh up the positives and negatives yourself.

Original poster

Womansplainer · 07/03/2025 21:02

Hemlocked · 07/03/2025 20:23

My DP is older than 64 and I'm younger than 47. He's the love of my life. The best human being I've ever met. Some men don't turn into grumpy old men!! There's so much ageism around.

This is lovely Hemlocked.

Yes @pimplebum I really do. It's been a slow burn and a surprise

@RoastDinnerSmellsNice yes he and my son know each other and they get on and like each other.

Yes, this is what concerns me but he's playful funny and good company.

I'm not sure. I've been on my own for 8 years and he is put of a dead and long situation

OP posts:

Branster · 07/03/2025 21:13

I can't comment on the age gap between the two of you OP because I have no idea how that would play out in 1, 5, 10, 15 years time.
But I would not even contemplate bringing a childless 64 year old man to live in my home if I had a 10 year old son. Essentially a stranger to your child, a relatively random old man (yes, 64 is an old man in the eyes of a 10 year old).
This man is set in his ways, however young at heart he may appear to be. There will be clashes between him and your son as teenage years approach. Or your son might become withdrawn in his own home if this man turns out to become 'territorial' of you and a shared space. Or your son might display disruptive behaviour in order to get your attention. Don't underestimate the potential negative dynamics between man/boy, man/man where they don't know each, they have no shared experiences, they have absolutely nothing in common. Male strong and healthy bonds form through long family relationships, shared interests such as sport, work, hobbies or a common goal. Simply thrown in together is a recipe for disaster.
Your son deserves a safe stable upbringing. Can you guarantee this would be the case with this man in both your lives?
By all means have a relationship with this man if you feel it's working well, but don't bring him into your son's life.

Arcticrival · 07/03/2025 21:19

Womansplainer · 07/03/2025 20:11

I'm 47. He is 64 in a few weeks.

We get on brilliantly, love and attraction all there. Love one another company. It's very relaxed.

He doesn't look particularly young and I'm also a single parent to a 10 year old boy.

He's never been a parent.

Is this mad?

No you're not mad. I met my dh when I was a single parent age 39. He had no children and was 18 years older than me.

We are still happily together 11 years later.

Of course i am realistic he will probably die before me. And there are some limitations but i would never change it or regret it

I dint think it's an age thing more a life stage thing. Do your lives align? Do you like and want to do the same things. If he wants to sit in the house at night with his pipe and slippers and you want to go clubbing then of course it won't work

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 07/03/2025 21:25

17 years older than you
Child free
What can go wrong?

How do you feel about being a carer for him for 10, 20 or more years?
How will your son cope with having a man old enough to be his grandfather in his life?

It would be a hard no from me.

19lottie82 · 07/03/2025 21:35

Go for it! I’ve been with my partner for almost 3 years. We met when I was 40 and he was 59. He’s the sweetest kindest person I have ever met and we are very happy!

Original poster

Womansplainer · 07/03/2025 21:40

Branster · 07/03/2025 21:13

I can't comment on the age gap between the two of you OP because I have no idea how that would play out in 1, 5, 10, 15 years time.
But I would not even contemplate bringing a childless 64 year old man to live in my home if I had a 10 year old son. Essentially a stranger to your child, a relatively random old man (yes, 64 is an old man in the eyes of a 10 year old).
This man is set in his ways, however young at heart he may appear to be. There will be clashes between him and your son as teenage years approach. Or your son might become withdrawn in his own home if this man turns out to become 'territorial' of you and a shared space. Or your son might display disruptive behaviour in order to get your attention. Don't underestimate the potential negative dynamics between man/boy, man/man where they don't know each, they have no shared experiences, they have absolutely nothing in common. Male strong and healthy bonds form through long family relationships, shared interests such as sport, work, hobbies or a common goal. Simply thrown in together is a recipe for disaster.
Your son deserves a safe stable upbringing. Can you guarantee this would be the case with this man in both your lives?
By all means have a relationship with this man if you feel it's working well, but don't bring him into your son's life.

Branster this is so full of assumptions! I'm not moving him into my home, this is a hard no. He/ we would be more than well resourced to create a home together that could accommodate everyone.

He has known my son for two years. They get on very well, they've been out together, done 'boy' things together as a family friend and my son adores him. He absolutely has qualities to bring to my son's life. He's intelligent, hard working, self aware, kind, caring, protective, funny and they share an interest in the outdoors, card games and pets.

Regarding caring. Tbh, given the life I have had and facing the fact that in another 8 years my son will be looking to fly the nest, having someone to care for would feel like a relief. Being a parent and caring for another person gives my life so much meaning. My friends and working life are fulfilling and I'm happy.

We are not marrying. I'm just considering a relationship at the moment and if we were to decide to live together it wouldn't be here in my house. He's more than able to finance himself.

OP posts:

tellmesomethingtrue · 07/03/2025 21:56

Branster · 07/03/2025 21:13

I can't comment on the age gap between the two of you OP because I have no idea how that would play out in 1, 5, 10, 15 years time.
But I would not even contemplate bringing a childless 64 year old man to live in my home if I had a 10 year old son. Essentially a stranger to your child, a relatively random old man (yes, 64 is an old man in the eyes of a 10 year old).
This man is set in his ways, however young at heart he may appear to be. There will be clashes between him and your son as teenage years approach. Or your son might become withdrawn in his own home if this man turns out to become 'territorial' of you and a shared space. Or your son might display disruptive behaviour in order to get your attention. Don't underestimate the potential negative dynamics between man/boy, man/man where they don't know each, they have no shared experiences, they have absolutely nothing in common. Male strong and healthy bonds form through long family relationships, shared interests such as sport, work, hobbies or a common goal. Simply thrown in together is a recipe for disaster.
Your son deserves a safe stable upbringing. Can you guarantee this would be the case with this man in both your lives?
By all means have a relationship with this man if you feel it's working well, but don't bring him into your son's life.

I'm inclined to agree with this.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/03/2025 22:00

It's not a relationship I'd be encouraging tbh, couldn't do with being someone's nurse with a purse.

Original poster

Womansplainer · 07/03/2025 22:15

tellmesomethingtrue · 07/03/2025 21:56

I'm inclined to agree with this.

Show quote history

Did you not read my reply to this comment @tellmesomethingtrue ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Womansplainer · 07/03/2025 22:17

TomatoSandwiches · 07/03/2025 22:00

It's not a relationship I'd be encouraging tbh, couldn't do with being someone's nurse with a purse.

What do you mean Nurse with a purse? There's a whole lot of assumptions in these comments! The man is more than capable of funding his own life.

OP posts:

Arcticrival · 07/03/2025 22:19

Ok I posted earlier as married
to a man 18 years older than me.

One thing other people have mentioned which I did not is that he WILL be set in his ways. My DH Was and still is. Especially as he had no children. He's not selfish at all but used to his time being his own. He's never had that moment with a newborn when yiu realise your life really is never going to ge your life again but you're just a parent.

Don't try and change him. Yiu take him as ge is or not at all.

And snide comments about moving a childless 64 year old man into your house with your 10 year old son. Implying your partner is a paedophile are utterly awful

ClearHoldBuild · 07/03/2025 22:22

Womansplainer · 07/03/2025 21:40

Branster this is so full of assumptions! I'm not moving him into my home, this is a hard no. He/ we would be more than well resourced to create a home together that could accommodate everyone.

He has known my son for two years. They get on very well, they've been out together, done 'boy' things together as a family friend and my son adores him. He absolutely has qualities to bring to my son's life. He's intelligent, hard working, self aware, kind, caring, protective, funny and they share an interest in the outdoors, card games and pets.

Regarding caring. Tbh, given the life I have had and facing the fact that in another 8 years my son will be looking to fly the nest, having someone to care for would feel like a relief. Being a parent and caring for another person gives my life so much meaning. My friends and working life are fulfilling and I'm happy.

We are not marrying. I'm just considering a relationship at the moment and if we were to decide to live together it wouldn't be here in my house. He's more than able to finance himself.

Show quote history

Reading this and your other comments made, you know the answer to your original question. I think the way you answer the negativity says it all. There is love there, he sounds lovely and you should go for it! I hope you have a long and happy life together 💐

rubberduck68 · 08/03/2025 12:16

I've never had much of an age gap, but I like my men to be very young in their minds, by that I don't mean immature but still into music, culture, film, interested in the next new restaurant that's opening; you know, a kind of zest of life? I think this would be reflected in how he dresses too; is he interested in clothes, in looking after his appearance? I mean Bill Nighy still does it for me, whose heard his new podcast? That man in his so cool, and at 64 he was defo still an option! Also Richard E. Grant. I know these men are actors so have to look after themselves, but you get what I mean; they are young/old? If this man looks like he's lining up his pipe and slippers soon, then I'd run.

Chacha25 · 08/03/2025 12:19

What is his relationship history? Why is he single and never had children?

thecatdidit · 08/03/2025 12:27

You've got a rose tinted view of caring @Womansplainer . It can be awful, speaking from experience with my own parents.
When my own DH was very ill and needed care I did so with no problem at all, out of love and respect for him. But I knew he was going to get better, not sure how I'd feel if it was y a permanently and worsening thing though.

Happystrider1 · 08/03/2025 12:35

I'm probably a bit naive

As you grow older and he needs care then he has the assets to do that as you aren't married. You aren't planning to intertwine your assets or finances by living together. It doesn't mean that you've got to be tied in to wiping his bum.

Worst case if you decide he is becoming a grumpy old man or your interests are no longer similar then you just part ways. I'm a bit confused to why people think you are tied in for life. As two adults surely you can set aside boundaries to your relationship and what would be an ending for you?

Even if you spend five years with this man, share some experiences and then reassess you've had five years of fun. I don't get why someone would necessarily end a relationship because someone might just need care in a few years time? That could be any one of us in our 30's with a similar aged partner. Things such as accidents, cancer, life debilitating conditions can happen at any age.