Boyfriend cancelling 'pencilled in plans'

[apria]

My boyfriend and I only see each other two nights a week, he stayed over last night. Usually he would stay again tonight but I am up at 5am for work, so will be going to bed early.

He said he hoped to be over for 7, but that he might end up working later. This morning he l said “see you later,” which led me to assume he was hoping to be coming over after work.

However, when I texted him at 7 pm, he (after 40 minutes) informed me he wouldn’t be coming because he’s working until 8:30 and his sister was visiting, so he will be with his family. Something he’d known about since 3 pm but hadn’t mentioned until I asked.

What really bothers me is that he often does end up working late, and while that is of course fine and I understand that’s part of his job, I’d appreciate a heads up if plans are changing rather than being left in the dark at the last minute.

He cannot wrap his head around why I am pissed off. His response that “if you’d cancelled plans or not gone out then it would be justified”. He thinks I am overreacting.

He has form for this, and not always when working late. Is often late, changes plans, doesn’t keep me in the loop etc. Though this is the first time in a while.

AIBU? I’m so annoyed!

Yanbu. He should respect your time, as well as his own. I wouldn't want a bf over if I had an early start anyway, but that's me! Don't let him undermine how you feel.

We're you expecting him over tonight or did he think you meant don't come over as you're going to bed early

I was expecting him over. We'd spoken about it.

There was always a chance he might not make it.

He has now said.

'It's like you just want to pick a fight. It's crazy'.

How long have you been together, he doesn't sound very caring or committed, what work do you both do that he's often working late and you only see each other 2 nights a week. Do you spend days, weekends, holidays together.

Two nights a week isn't much of a relationship.

He works in a a job that follows the hours of a different time zone, so starts and finishes work late.

I have one primary-age DS and work clinically in the NHS so do 12.5 hour days, nights and weekends.

Ugh, that's a hop, skip and a jump from "you're crazy" isn't it? He doesn't sound great. How long have you been with him?

Do you see him on your days off

Is your child elsewhere tonight if you're up at 5am for work?
I would assume if he's not finishing work till 830, what time were you heading to bed?

I think I'd throw him back OP, he doesn't understand the way you think, and doesn't respect the way you feel. These would be red flags for me. Stop wasting your time on this one!

Sounds like you’re not compatible.

You sound more structured and routine centred whereas he sounds more laid back and ‘go with the flow’ and happy to change plans/not commit.

Personally, I wouldn’t call my partner staying over as ‘pencilled in plans’. Those sort of plans would be a booked meal, show, gig etc for me - which I would be cross about him cancelling.

I’d consider if it’s worth continuing the relationship. If you can’t communicate with each other without him getting annoyed then it’s pretty pointless. Find someone else who will prioritise your time together.

I am very relaxed, and a 'go with the flow' type person. It's the lack of manners and disregard for my time that bothers me. Not the cancelled plans themselves.

Dump him then.

@apria early days and already takes you for granted !

Sorry if this sounds harsh but it’s possible he wants the once or twice weekly sex until something ether turns up. Get rid.

Dump him then.

It seems a shame to dump someone just over this?

I totally get how it could seem like this.

He seems serious about a future with me, wants to move in together at some point etc.

Discussed marriage and kids.

Well what positives does he bring to your life?

You’ve said he has a lack of manners and doesn’t have any regards for your time.

Doesn’t sound like a healthy and fulfilling relationship to me, I’m sorry. You won’t be able to change him.

When you have kids he will fail to tell you that he is working unexpectedly late and/or will be late for dinner / bedtime and you will want to murder him because you will be sleep deprived and have spent hours wrangling tired hungry toddlers and you will be chanting the time you are expecting him home on an endless loop to yourself. That is why this is a “seriously, throw him back” issue.

Is your child elsewhere tonight if you're up at 5am for work?
I would assume if he's not finishing work till 830, what time were you heading to bed?

Yes DS is with his dad.

I am in bed now.

”Boyfriend” is a bit of a stretch for someone you only see two nights a week. I wonder if he’s not prioritising you because it’s not that serious.

He's often working until gone 10/11pm.

But it's about everything else though isn't it. It's the disrespect for you and your time. It's the belittling of your normal expectations regarding communication. It's the making you feel small and upset when he turns it round on you. You are being trained to expect nothing except the crumbs he thinks you deserve (which is very little), it's the slow chipping away at your self esteem. If you keep pushing back he will be calling you crazy, not the situation.

It's about the bigger picture, not the forgot-to-cancel date.

Could your partner be ND? I can at times behave similarly to your partner due to ADHD. If work is very busy and I am very involved/overwhelmed I may forget to update someone about a change in my plans or might not update them as soon as I find out. Hyper focus and time blindness prevail. But I definitely don’t do it through lack of care or respect for my nearest and dearest.

If this is an issue for him maybe he would agree to set a reminder on his phone at a cut off time agreed by you both

eg. “Let me know by 3pm on Friday if you think you’ll have to stay on late at work that day” 👉 Partners alarm goes at 3pm to remind him to call you and confirm plans.