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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To find date nights a bit forced?

50 replies

backtothemeadow · 07/03/2025 19:35

DH and I are struggling a bit as we get no time to ourselves.

I was considering a babysitter but truth is I think we’re a bit too tired and wrung out by the end of the day to actually talk properly and actually try to properly connect. I was thinking back to our relationship before children and I think our closest times were going on walks together and talking, or just Sunday afternoons at home.

Most people seem to have date nights though so maybe it is just us? But AIBU to find them a bit forced and pressured?

OP posts:
Bs0u416d · 07/03/2025 19:39

I always find the idea of date nites a bit strange in a LTR, and I imagine a bit high pressure or forced. Certainly they would be for us. We do like going our for dinner or lunch together or with the dog for a walk and a coffee but I'd never label any of these 'dates'. I try and enjoy the every day as much as anything else. I should absolutely preface this by saying we're child free and so that migth be easier for us 😂.

tuvamoodyson · 07/03/2025 19:47

We just ‘go out’ here…after being married for 30+ years, we’re definitely not dating!

ZippyPeer · 07/03/2025 19:48

They are a bit forced, but when youre in a long term relationship and have caring responsibilities and work there isn't really a better option for us. Carving out a time with your partner in advance and actually committing to a date in the diary the only way we manage to spend focussed time together...

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 07/03/2025 20:03

I don’t find them forced. We loved eating out before we had kids, we still love it now, just do it less often. Never have any trouble finding things to talk about. But I can see that if it wasn’t your sort of thing already, it might feel forced.

Onleemoi · 07/03/2025 20:06

It’s just having a night out together. I guess with kids it can’t be spontaneous so you have to plan ahead but you can call what you want.

Adhikv · 07/03/2025 20:08

I actually find much better days with DH when we go out for the day - meals out etc are lovely but by evening I’m tired, not sure if kids will be up when we get back or I’ve done so much of the bedtime routine I’m even more tired. Whereas a day out with just us is more relaxed etc and often more doable as we do it when kids are at school/childcare already

FoFanta · 07/03/2025 20:14

When the kids were really little (young teens now) we would try and sneak in a nice breakfast/brunch if we had childcare/nursery. It was easier to get a couple of hours off in the morning, and there was no need to get dressed up. We would both have a bit more energy for a chat and it felt a bit decent.

Regretsmorethanafew · 07/03/2025 20:15

Bs0u416d · 07/03/2025 19:39

I always find the idea of date nites a bit strange in a LTR, and I imagine a bit high pressure or forced. Certainly they would be for us. We do like going our for dinner or lunch together or with the dog for a walk and a coffee but I'd never label any of these 'dates'. I try and enjoy the every day as much as anything else. I should absolutely preface this by saying we're child free and so that migth be easier for us 😂.

There's an easy solution. Just don't give them the stupid label of date nights.
Voila.

FluidDruid · 07/03/2025 20:18

You could hire a babysitter for the afternoon and go for a walk together instead. I've done that so we can play tennis or go for a mooch. Doesn't have to be an evening at a restaurant. Go for a more low key version that suits you and doesn't add pressure but it is absolutely worth buying time for yourselves.

holyhanna · 07/03/2025 20:20

We have date night at home, just the occasional evening where the children watch a film upstairs and we get a take away or a nice cooked meal for 2 and a bottle of wine (or 2) and spend the evening just the two of us.

Obviously I will make sure the children have been fed first. They are pre-teen so they understand we are having a date night.

bettydavieseyes · 07/03/2025 20:22

I think the problem with LTR's and marriages is this kind of thinking. If you stop making an effort for romance then it will all lose its spark.

ItsAWonderfulLifeforMe · 07/03/2025 20:23

I always find the term has implied meaning that you’ve got to do the deed that night! I don’t like how forced the whole thing seems once you label it ‘date night’ so this is a phrase avoided in this house. With young children the short evenings are precious and we’re just as happy relaxing on the sofa as we are going out.

greengreyblue · 07/03/2025 20:24

Married 28 years. Kids now grown up. We have always tried to get out together and got a babysitter but never used the term date night.

KezzaMucklowe · 07/03/2025 20:26

It's just a nice night out. We go out for dinner or to the cinema. I suppose its a date but it doesn't really feel like one because we've been together for 25 years Grin

PickledElectricity · 07/03/2025 20:28

It doesn't have to be a date NIGHT. I agree sleep is like gold dust so I would rather get a good night's sleep but you could book half a day or a day's AL to spend quality time together sans kids.

We went to a spa together recently. My friend regularly has brunch with her husband and a quicky before going back to work in the afternoon. When the kids are older we intend to get them to granny's for a sleepover and have a night out then a lazy morning and pick them up at lunch the following day.

backtothemeadow · 07/03/2025 20:44

Thanks. I guess I was just thinking today how I miss chatting to DH; it’s hard with the children always around, but date nights miss the mark a bit!

OP posts:
Binman · 07/03/2025 20:55

I think the term date night just harks back to when you prioritised each other. It's so easy to make a plan and then opt out cos you're too tired or something else comes up. When you were dating usually you would have made the effort to spend time together and not let each other down.

So for me it's more like treat me like we were dating, if we arrange something, a walk, watch a film or box set together, a night out or a game of scrabble make the effort that you used to do in the beginning.

Endofyear · 07/03/2025 21:11

Don't call it date night! There's no pressure, it's just going out for a nice meal together or see a film or to a comedy club or whatever. You don't have to be romantic or be anything except the two of you having a bit of time to yourselves.

backtothemeadow · 07/03/2025 21:36

Thanks. I think it would feel pressured because of the costs - we’d have to get in a babysitter. So might be best left for a year or so. DD is still only going, she is only two in July. Hoping things might get less intense then!

OP posts:
PickledElectricity · 07/03/2025 21:40

backtothemeadow · 07/03/2025 21:36

Thanks. I think it would feel pressured because of the costs - we’d have to get in a babysitter. So might be best left for a year or so. DD is still only going, she is only two in July. Hoping things might get less intense then!

Oh god my DS is 22 months old and we've had a handful of date nights by begging/borrowing favours. Please don't feel too bad, youre still so new to parenthood! As am I!

Quality time together is spent on annual leave while he's at nursery, on the sofa with takeaway and a trashy TV show when he has an early night, and desecrating the couch while he's having his afternoon nap at the weekends 🤣

Rubyupbeat · 07/03/2025 21:45

Date night is a ridiculous term. If you are married or living together as a couple, you are going out for the evening.
Yet another Americanised naff term.

PrivacyScreen · 07/03/2025 22:01

I think 'date nights' is a recent and very American import. A night out, spending time together, sharing a hobby, going for a walk, watching telly together, going to the cinema, so many things you can do that don't need a label.

Ilovelurchers · 07/03/2025 22:12

The name is a bit twee, isn't it? And, as you say, going out when you already feel tired won't be very fun, especially if you are worrying about the costs too.

Having said that, I do think there can be value in making a point of doing stuff together when you have got into a rut and aren't feeling that close.

My situation is a bit different, as DP and I actually broke up for a few months, and though we are back together are now living separately - but I/we have been trying to ensure the time we spend together now involves more opportunities for genuine connection. (This is probably more driven by me in terms of organisation, though he does seem on board). But we don't have loads of money to spend on going out, and don't enjoy it that much.

So it has more involved stuff like picking a series or a film to watch together, and making a point of focusing on it rather than one or both of us being on our phones. Or taking the dog for a walk together and talking while we do so; or going shopping on a weekend afternoon to a town we don't usually go to, and having a little look around while we do so. It's working well for us and has definitely boosted our connection - I feel more deeply towards him than I used to, less irritated by him - and our sex life feels better too - we always had a lot of technically good sex, but I feel a lot more closeness, tenderness and connection now than i used to.

We have also been to a sporting event and to the theatre, but that was driven by actually wanting to go to see that particular thing, more than forcing ourselves to do it for the sake of the "date".

I think looking for opportunities for togetherness in every day life is the way forward, and much more sustainable. Good luck - I hope it works out for you!

greengreyblue · 08/03/2025 07:28

We’ve always said a ‘night out’ and I think that feels better because ‘date night’ has more romantic / sexy undertones. Just getting out without your children, maybe cinema or a meal takes the pressure off it being romantic

backtothemeadow · 08/03/2025 08:23

It is hard! I think I’ve just realised the last time DH and I had a night out without children was before DD was born, so about may/ June 2023. It’s probably overdue …

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