To find date nights a bit forced?

[backtothemeadow]

DH and I are struggling a bit as we get no time to ourselves.

I was considering a babysitter but truth is I think we’re a bit too tired and wrung out by the end of the day to actually talk properly and actually try to properly connect. I was thinking back to our relationship before children and I think our closest times were going on walks together and talking, or just Sunday afternoons at home.

Most people seem to have date nights though so maybe it is just us? But AIBU to find them a bit forced and pressured?

I sometimes preferred going out in the day. Easier to get babysitter sometimes if someone is prepared to take your child to the parks etc. Go out for lunch and a walk.

Date night means something different in our house really in that it’s the one week night we prioritise each other over everything and everyone else in our busy schedules of sport and training and socialising.

Tuesday nights are sacred and nothing gets booked in apart from the two of us going to the pub.

We have insanely busy lives but I always love waking up on a Tuesday knowing it’s date night tonight and we get to connect away from the house.

We spend a lot of time together over the weekend but it’s usually socialising with others so it’s nice to have Tuesdays for us.

Might sound silly but it saves my sanity. Talk and walk to the pub, couple of drinks, back for a simple tea on our knees in front of the series we are always watching at a snails pace as we watch one or two episodes a week and aren’t allowed to watch any other time then an early night.

Our kids are all teenagers though. If yours are small you could allocate one night to feeding them separately simple treat tea and then eating something nice later on the two of you for example.

We couldn't afford baby sitters so we would do date night at home. Get kids in bed. Then have something to eat just the two of us (then fall asleep on the sofa) but it did mean some time just us

Is she in nursery? If so why not take a day off together and go for a nice walk have a shag instead?

I’d much rather go for a walk in the countryside than have a forced night out, particularly during the week when you need to get up the next day for work.
Could you both have a half day’s leave every few weeks, or find a babysitter for a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon?

DH and I spent last Saturday walking along a very quiet river in the countryside and ate our sandwiches sat on some large boulders. We spoke to a slight surly fisherman and waved back to a small boat. We chatted and did some singing along together as so deserted.

You make your own fun at home with small kids. I remember a New Years Eve where me made a race track and used DS remote control cars to race. Dancing in the kitchen to the wireless, playing board games and cards. I like nothing more than having a foot rub from DH whilst drinking tea watching Netflix.

How about you ask close friends to arrange something that they think you might both like? Friends who also have kids and get your energy levels obvs! Or send the kids out to family or a friend's for the night if you can, and just have a nice relaxed night at home together...

It’s a struggle. We don’t have anyone who could take the children; it would have to be a hired babysitter and I’m not sure Dd would want that!

What makes you think that?

My kids absolutely adore their babysitter

She is very young. I’m sure she would if she was a bit older.

We take two days annual leave a year for date days when kids are in nursery and school. We always have lunch out and we do something else too e.g. cinema, exhibition, escape room, bowling, theatre etc. Nobody ever offers to babysit for us and we don't want to hire someone.

We also used to have one evening weeknight set aside for playing games or watching something together when kids in bed, and every other one of those we'd get a takeaway too. But have had to pack that in since 4mo was born but I presume it will come back eventually!

We do miss our time together - eldest is 6 so it's many years now. But I know the kids will grow older and eventually we will have plenty of time together again so overall it's a short period of our lives really.

Don’t you have to hold days back for family holidays and / or child illness, though? That’s my worry doing that.

Yes, we use most of the rest of our leave for those things, that's why we only take 2 days a year.

Sorry, I read the holidays thing wrong - we don't use that many days for that either as we have school hols to cover for the eldest too.

I think you said she is 2 in July - DS1 was maybe 6/7 months when we first left him with a (different) babysitter but he really liked her and was absolutely fine with it.

You don't know until you try

I guess they are all different @polinkhausive . Probably should have introduced someone at that age as they are more accepting but we didn’t!

But how will you know unless you try it?

Or have you tried it?

Are you keen to get some time with your DH? It sounds a bit like you might be ambivalent about it

It’s because babysitters are expensive and so it’s a costly gamble if you see what I mean.

I’m not exactly sure date nights are it anyway, I guess that’s why I’m hesitating.

What happened to dinner parties. OK its not exclusively just you and partner but it's social, different and you can dress up a bit and avoid the humdrum of normal domestic life. This can be good for relationships and means you don't need a babysitter. You could always just do pizza and drinks or something, anyone would understand that with a toddler. I'm just musing by the way because my parents had them all the time in the 80's and 90's. I'm one of 4 all close in age but they always managed a social life somehow like that and we all got sent to bed early.

Start at home. When DD is in bed, TV off, phones away, put on some music and eat a nice meal together. Play scrabble or a board game etc.

While I can appreciate the opinion of them being ‘forced’, the reality with young kids is that they are either ‘forced’ or you don’t spend any quality time together at all. That, after many years, will do a number on your relationship. Life is different now, you have to find different ways of doing things.

Oh I Iove a dinner party. Haven’t had one since before kids (7yrs now), and now live somewhere with no local friends.

Its a day/ night out, call it what you like. DH and I plan regular time together both as a couple but also with a wider group of friends. Having a happy strong relationship makes us better parents, and time together gives us a chance to talk and iron out petty niggles/misunderstandings and avoid silly rows.

I have never been on a "date night". I have been married for 35 years.

My parents had dinner parties but yes … don’t think they are a ‘thing’ now

I don’t find them forced, we plan a night out, we go have fun and we don’t call it “date night”. However we do get dressed up and really use this time together to connect, have fun and be intimate when we get home. We are lucky as we have eow child free so it’s not a chore for us to sort kids out early, and have and exhausting day on the weekend before going out. Otherwise my response I dare say would be a bit different ..,