To not go to the wedding?

[Unsurelobster]

NC as this could be outing. A close friend who I have known for 15+ years is getting married this year. Not really seen too much of them since they moved away about 7 years ago. The wedding is around 2 hours away and no children allowed therefore would need to find childcare for 2 nights which is the first couple of inconviences. I would like to go however DC will still be young therefore not I’d rather not leave them with someone however I do feel as though I’m abliged to go as I don’t want to upset them. Friend hasn’t made an effort at all with me postpartum (they don’t have children themselves which could be why). I have already turned down the abroad hen do and wouldn’t want to ruin the friendship by not going to the wedding. AIBU?

edit to add also the current prices of hotel rooms nearby for 1 night is £200 but feels necessary to stay over because of the length of the drive and to be able to have a few drinks.

If you don't want to go then don't. Just reply in a timely fashion and send your regards. A small gift wouldn't go amiss.

2 hours away? Thats not far, just go for one night

How would you feel if you put all this effort and money in for her wedding then you don't hear from her much again? It doesn't sound a real friendship anymore. She's not interested in your kids. She doesn't want them at the wedding. I'd not go.

2 hours isn’t far and you won’t need 2 nights away . Get up , go to the ceremony, have the wedding breakfast excuse yourself and go when the evening reception starts . Just let them know in advance due to child care you will be leaving earlier

Are you a single parent? If not, can’t you go on your own and your partner has your child(ren)?

I’d leave the children with their father and go, but I love a wedding. Ultimately if you’re not that keen, though, it’s up to you. And honestly, if you haven’t seen much of each other over recent years I suspect your invitation is likely more a kind gesture because you were once close friends and your friend doesn’t want you finding out / hearing that she got married, seeing photos on social media etc and feeling hurt and offended that you weren’t even invited. I doubt she’ll be devastated that you turn it down citing childcare and logistics, and just send a card.

2 hours isn’t far at all. If you want to go and will know people, I’d leave baby home with your partner and just go with friends if overnight childcare would be an issue.

Or when we went to a wedding when our first was a baby, overnight childcare was not a possibility, but my mum could do a few evening hours as long as not too draining. So we booked two hotel rooms and took my mum with us. She looked after dd for the afternoon and evening in our room and we came back at a reasonable hour (10pm ish) and took over so she could go to bed. That worked really well and solved a lot of the issues of a childfree wedding away.

Why do you need to go for two nights if it’s only 2 hours away? Weddings aren’t usually before midday. You could leave at 9am and get there for 11am. Then stay for the duration and stay over one night.

I’d attend on my own and leave children with Dad or Granny but if that wasn’t an option or the children were newborn and still feeding I’d politely decline.

You've barely seen them in seven years, they're not going to spend more than five seconds thinking about it if you decline.

Are there going to be other people there that you know and like? Will it be a fun evening? Chance to get dressed up, let your hair down without the DC and any pressure to get home for a babysitter and then crash out in a nice hotel room, have a lie in and nice breakfast next morning before driving home?

I'd agree with PP that you should leave the DC with their dad (assuming he is in the picture) and he can have a quality dad/kid day with them and you get a nice grownup time with no responsibilities. You'd probably only be away 36 hours or so.

If you don’t go, you can say goodbye to the friendship in my opinion.

I don’t know why people feel the need to act so cold and ungrateful to such things. I appreciate what you’re saying about the state of the relationship but it’s almost like you want to justify not going. What I’m hearing deep down is that you don’t want the friendship anymore, otherwise you’d make a bit of effort.

2 hours isn’t far, and I don’t think staying away for one night is that bad in the grand scheme of things, but it’s entirely up to you.

Since you will barely see the bride at her wedding and it's a lot of hassle with the children, I would make my excuses unless you would enjoy going on your own and staying one night or coming home. You have ready made reasons why you can't go.

Agreed

Its fine to decline its fine to go.

But the friendship is dead if you decline

Also i dont get the "and i need to stay for 2 nights...." its 2 hrs away which is a 1 night max event.

Why do you need to be away for the night? Just go for the day/evening, it isn't very far away.

2 hours is not that far. Drive the day of the wedding then only stay one night. Can the dc dad not have them?

Surely you don't need to be away for two nights? A two hour drive is nothing...

Wedding starts at 10am hence the need to stay 2 nights

You clearly don't want to go so why the angst? Just decline the invite, most likely you won't speak again but hey its been 7 years.

Never said we haven’t spoken for 7 years, but we have our own lives so don’t find the time to meet up all the time

Do you WANT to go, or do you want to stay home and are thinking of all the reasons not to go?

It was nice to get an invitation. That's all it is. You can decline gracefully (asap though so they can give your place to someone else), with a nice regret card and a gift. No need to explain.

I don't go to weddings of anyone other than immediate family anymore. However I do send a card and a generous gift. No resulting problems with any of the B+Gs. I am relatively unimportant since I'm not family, but I do appreciate the invite just the same.

If you want to go, go and stay one night. If you don't, be true to yourself and send a regret card + gift.

It really doesn’t sound like you want to go…

My daily commute to work used to be 2 hours.

10am is a very early start, but if you don’t want to stay the night before I’d just get up early and set off at 7.30. It’s hardly the crack of dawn.

As it’s such an early start, most people will leave early. So you could just not drink and then drive home afterwards, if you wanted to.

That's even better ..I'd leave early, drive there in the morning for the 10am start and drive back in the early evening...I don't drink so that wouldn't be an issue for me.

Id got for the day wedding/any day time meals etc then leave before the evening reception, tell them you can't stay because you have to get home to be with your children since they aren't allowed. 2 hours isn't too long in the grand scheme of things and it's literally a one off. Alternatively given you've not seen her for several years I'd no longer consider it a good friendship and decline the invite.

Just don’t go, but no need to be negative about it. It’s someone’s wedding day - your friend’s… and it was lovely that she extended the invite to you. You obviously mean something to them if they’ve invited you despite the distance in your relationship.