Am I overreacting to School Gate comment?

[CliptyClop]

So, when it was first said I kind of just laughed it off but as the days have gone on, I have gotten more annoyed about it and my partner says it was a snarky comment, but I want to hear from some other parents!

I have a friend, our son's are the same age (school nursery - Pre-school) and we got to know each other during our pregnancy through mutual friends. We got on really well, she can be a bit brash sometimes but shes been through a lot and she was always kind to me.

She is a SAHM and I work 4 days a week at a very stressful and hectic role with a 2 hour commute each day (one day at home) (I am saying this as it relevant). We hung out a lot during my maternity and to be honest we hung out a lot even when I went back, the day I don't work and on weekends, it was nice to have someone I could pop over and see (she lives close by),the last few months I have felt her draw back a bit, she has asked me if I am working sometimes or if I am off and made comments she forgets what days I work (see above) but I did ask if everything was okay and she said 'why wouldn't it be' our sons really enjoy playing together. We both have a lot to talk about.

Due to work, I can only drop my son off one morning a week (mother in-law does drop off and pick up other days, (he doesn't do Friday's) and the other day, I was dropping him off and we were all waiting in line and my son was running around me, kissing me, telling me he loved me (it was very cute) and my friend said to me 'Oh look he is so happy you are actually the one dropping him off' perhaps my mothers guilt that I can't do drop off and pick ups, but I was taken back. We have a great relationship (me and my son) I spend good time with him.

I have been back at work for over 2 years and me and my friend were fine, but with this comment she has also drawn back even more and responds to texts but never suggests to meet up or agree to a date/time when I suggest something.

AIBU - this was a nice comment from her remarking on my son being happy to be with me.
AINBU to think something more is going on here.

She was being snippy because whilst she enjoys not having to go back to work there is a part of her that resents you having a life outside of raising your child.

The word actually does make it sound like a barb but it could equally just a random wors thrown in and she was just making a nice comment on how much he loves you. I wouldn’t take much away from one comment.

🤦‍♀️ This comment sums up the issue. No matter if Mums work or if they’re stay at home parents they will be judged by someone for their decision.

I would definitely say something like this and mean it totally innocently.

I was very good friends with a stay at home mum when our children were little. I went back to work and she didn't. I actually love being back at work and aren't envious that she doesn't have to (maybe the odd day) but naturally we have drifted apart as I don't have as much free time now. I often feel guilty I don't message her as much as I should but do you know what, she doesn't message me at all. So I guess our lives have just moved on.

With regards to the remark, sometimes people struggle to think of something to say when they bump into someone, I don't think you should read too much into that

But, as you said you've noticed her pulling back a bit from the friendship so on that basis it does seem there maybe an issue

So really your issue is two fold

1. the comment (which doesn’t seem in least bit sinister to me)
2. you do not think she is sufficiently forthcoming with messages and invites *have been back at work for over 2 years and me and my friend were fine, but with this comment she has also drawn back even more and responds to texts but never suggests to meet up or agree to a date/time when I suggest something.*. Perhaps she doesn’t regard you as a close a friend as you do her (although maybe you don’t anymore after this completely innocuous comment)

Your partner sounds like he’s stirring
I am guessing he’s not all that keen on her

So many of us would unsay stuff after saying it after we hear it being said. It sounded great in our heads! She's probably regretting it, as she probably meant it in an observational way but realised it could be taken as a slight.

I wouldn't overthink it.

Possibly. But lots of people are home raising their children whilst they are little, and not resentful at all. Some wouldn’t haven’t it any other way.

Or maybe she thinks you spend too much time at work, and are not as involved with your child as she believes you should be.

Or maybe she was just pointing out how much your son loves you. Presumably he prefers you dropping him off/picking him up than his gran. That would be normal.

I think you’re probably projecting because you feel guilty. But people feel guilty whatever their circumstances, because everyone is only wanting to do the best for their children, and that looks different to all of us.

You’ve made your choices, so fuck anyones opinion who is trying to make you feel shit. It doesn’t sound barbed to me and I wouldn’t take it personally, but IF she was being snarky, rise above it.

First post nailed it. She resents that you have an identity outside 'mum.'

Ah, to be honest this is such a common thing - when you're both SAHM's it works really well, but then work and other commitments get in the way.

I would just take it as the friendship isn't quite as convenient as it once was, and not dwell on it too much.

The word actually is the loaded word. Without it, it's merely saying looks he's so happy to have mum drop him off. But actually, which is one of my least favourite words in the English dictionary, also a very overused word, makes it quite snide.

As for that been the intention, you can only ask. It may not have been, a lot of people slip that word in without any thought. But like you also say, mummy guilt. We all have it no matter what we do! That may have made you feel the pinch.

I wouldn’t take offence to this if I truly saw / valued this person as a friend. Sounds more like an observation.

It’s her problem and hers alone, OP. I wouldn’t bother texting her, she can contact you if she wants to keep the friendship going. After all, she’s not the one balancing work and mum life.

I think you're projecting your own feelings a bit here. The comment was nothing - maybe a bit thoughtless but not nasty and not one to overthink. The fact you are makes me feel that you are guilty / sad/ worried yourself.

Full disclosure - I am also perhaps projecting as I worked 50/60 hours per week since my sons were 6 months old and when they were that age it was generally completely fine but every now and again it used to tear me up inside and I would have been very unhappy at that comment but because it said out loud what my inner voice was whispering.

In summary, I think it's not your mate being a cow, but also don't feel guilty about role modelling hard work for your child ❤️

Just keep a mental note and carry on as you normally would, she may have genuinely not meant it how it came out although I am side eying. However, if she make another comment, take it as confirmation and address it straight away.

I think that's quite a leap! Could it be that she simply disagrees with OP working and whilst she knows it's not her place to comment on that, she finds her views no longer align with that of OPs? I think it's quite simplistic and verging on puerile to jump straight to 'she's jealous'

Or indeed even simpler than that

not loaded in the slightest and simply commenting on how happy he is when he sees his mamma

Did she really say the word “actually”?

I am a sahm and would say something like this as a positive thing (not with the “actually” though).
I do all the drop offs and my kid is never pleased to see me. She is so used to me she just grizzles and wants to know if I have toys/ food/ are we going to the playground/ general complaining. She is always asking me why can’t she be picked up by a child minder/ grandparents/ go to after school club. I notice with the mothers that pick them up less often, the kids are so excited to see them. Sometimes I could really do with that, instead of “oh, you again” 😅
To give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she is disappointed because she feels she doesn’t have as much in common with you anymore.
It is hard to judge without having actually heard the tone. I wouldn’t dwell on it regardless.

This.

And, it sounds like it may have just touched a nerve with you.

OP it sounds like, as I said above, she just no longer feels like yours & her views & values align like they used to? Though I don’t condone her comment! That was uncalled for.

I don't think she's jealous, just perhaps doesn't feel she can relate to a working mum, perhaps? Which is a bit odd but her perogative I guess.

My DC's friend's DM who I became friends with, had a baby a year ago. And despite having an older DC, is behaving as though she's the first woman to ever have a baby! (and even worse, as though her older DC doesn't exist at all and is palming her off on her new elderly in-laws mon-fri; But that's another thread entirely!)
Anyway she has stopped doing all school runs, school performances, parents' evenings etc and has her new DH's elderly Dad do it ALL! Now I disagree massively with this and have pulled back a little but but I wouldn't dream of saying anything to her about it and certainly never any snarky comments...

@Balloonhearts, @Chuchoter- SAHPs are still human beings; we do have lives and identities outside of our children. Just as childless adults have lives outside of their jobs.

You’ve drifted apart as many mum friendships do when everyone returns to work or your kids go to different schools etc. Perhaps you were a bit over invested in the friendship.

I wonder why i go through life with such little drama in relationships and can’t remember falling out with anyone aside from tiffs with my husband… since school

Then I read threads and responses like some on here and I think “ah that’s why”. I don’t see shadow where there very likely aren’t any.

It was an insensitive comment but I think sometimes people just say crap when they are thinking of something to say. I am a working mum and always got these comments. My husband did all the playgroups and on the rare occasions I got to go I heard these comments constantly. It’s just awkward small talk really, don’t worry too much about it.