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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I overreacting to School Gate comment?

49 replies

CliptyClop · 06/03/2025 14:35

So, when it was first said I kind of just laughed it off but as the days have gone on, I have gotten more annoyed about it and my partner says it was a snarky comment, but I want to hear from some other parents!

I have a friend, our son's are the same age (school nursery - Pre-school) and we got to know each other during our pregnancy through mutual friends. We got on really well, she can be a bit brash sometimes but shes been through a lot and she was always kind to me.

She is a SAHM and I work 4 days a week at a very stressful and hectic role with a 2 hour commute each day (one day at home) (I am saying this as it relevant). We hung out a lot during my maternity and to be honest we hung out a lot even when I went back, the day I don't work and on weekends, it was nice to have someone I could pop over and see (she lives close by),the last few months I have felt her draw back a bit, she has asked me if I am working sometimes or if I am off and made comments she forgets what days I work (see above) but I did ask if everything was okay and she said 'why wouldn't it be' our sons really enjoy playing together. We both have a lot to talk about.

Due to work, I can only drop my son off one morning a week (mother in-law does drop off and pick up other days, (he doesn't do Friday's) and the other day, I was dropping him off and we were all waiting in line and my son was running around me, kissing me, telling me he loved me (it was very cute) and my friend said to me 'Oh look he is so happy you are actually the one dropping him off' perhaps my mothers guilt that I can't do drop off and pick ups, but I was taken back. We have a great relationship (me and my son) I spend good time with him.

I have been back at work for over 2 years and me and my friend were fine, but with this comment she has also drawn back even more and responds to texts but never suggests to meet up or agree to a date/time when I suggest something.

AIBU - this was a nice comment from her remarking on my son being happy to be with me.
AINBU to think something more is going on here.

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 06/03/2025 15:19

I didn't vote because I know we can't help what we feel but I honestly think you have taken your friend's comment the wrong way and no doubt she would be mortified if she knew that. It was an off the top of the head remark and actually quite nice.

Don't feel bad about that, nor about her seeming to be less available; life is like that, she is still your friend and I'm sure you have other friends.

You sound great, you've done nothing wrong. - and neither has friend.

Roseshavethorns · 06/03/2025 15:27

It's the kind of thing I would say but mean look how much he loves you.
I was a sahm for many years and I never got the reception from my children that my friends who worked got when they managed to get back in time for school pick up. I'll admit to feeling a bit jealous.
I think that no matter what we do as parents we always feel a niggling guilt. (Unless it is a completely free choice without financial and childcare restraints and you are 100% confident in your parenting choices, and if you are I really envy you)
As a sahm I couldn't afford to do some of the things my friends did with their children, my friends felt they didn't spend enough time with their children and were always stressed about time when they were together. They envied my easy approach to things as I wasn't under time constraints. Our guilt over our choice can mean we see criticism in what was really an innocent remark.
At the end of the day you make the best choice you can for you and your family. Unfortunately the choice you make can mean that you have less in common with friends who make different choices.

KarmenPQZ · 06/03/2025 15:27

I think you’re being overly sensitive if the rest of the friendship is ok.

on your comment in ‘she forgets which days I work’ of course she does - most people don’t know other people’s schedules off the top of their head. I certainly can’t remember what days my sister or friends work unless I have a longstanding arrangement to see them that day.

also on this…
‘I have been back at work for over 2 years and me and my friend were fine, but with this comment she has also drawn back even more and responds to texts but never suggests to meet up or agree to a date/time when I suggest something.‘
she has a very different schedule to you… whilst your working 4 times a day she’s ‘SATM’ing’ those 4 days. Again she probably doesn’t suggest meeting up because for her she’s day to day SAHM’ing whilst you’re week to week. Do you know her schedule and her commitments during the days your working? She’s potentially got a different social circle and possible doesn’t really you think you’re friends but she thinks you’re just school mums. Not said to be mean just see it from her view if she’s got friends she sees daily.

Original poster
CliptyClop · 06/03/2025 15:29

Orangebadger · 06/03/2025 14:51

The word actually is the loaded word. Without it, it's merely saying looks he's so happy to have mum drop him off. But actually, which is one of my least favourite words in the English dictionary, also a very overused word, makes it quite snide.

As for that been the intention, you can only ask. It may not have been, a lot of people slip that word in without any thought. But like you also say, mummy guilt. We all have it no matter what we do! That may have made you feel the pinch.

You know this is so true. English is actually not her first language. Although she speaks English so well I don forget sometimes so I think yes it’s worth taking that into account here and unfair on me not to.

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 06/03/2025 15:31

Orangebadger · 06/03/2025 14:51

The word actually is the loaded word. Without it, it's merely saying looks he's so happy to have mum drop him off. But actually, which is one of my least favourite words in the English dictionary, also a very overused word, makes it quite snide.

As for that been the intention, you can only ask. It may not have been, a lot of people slip that word in without any thought. But like you also say, mummy guilt. We all have it no matter what we do! That may have made you feel the pinch.

Yes this. I'd ask her.

Original poster
CliptyClop · 06/03/2025 15:32

custardlover · 06/03/2025 14:56

I think you're projecting your own feelings a bit here. The comment was nothing - maybe a bit thoughtless but not nasty and not one to overthink. The fact you are makes me feel that you are guilty / sad/ worried yourself.

Full disclosure - I am also perhaps projecting as I worked 50/60 hours per week since my sons were 6 months old and when they were that age it was generally completely fine but every now and again it used to tear me up inside and I would have been very unhappy at that comment but because it said out loud what my inner voice was whispering.

In summary, I think it's not your mate being a cow, but also don't feel guilty about role modelling hard work for your child ❤️

From 6 months that’s tough! Thank you though I agree, I do think it was not said in a bad way and I definitely am projecting as I do feel guiltily sometimes (not all the time) but sometimes and yes, it hurt where it wasn’t meant to and someone said about her saying it in a nice way, I think ok reflection that’s probably really true. As in he’s being all sweet as he’s with me kind of thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
CliptyClop · 06/03/2025 15:35

Itsnotloopy · 06/03/2025 15:19

It was an insensitive comment but I think sometimes people just say crap when they are thinking of something to say. I am a working mum and always got these comments. My husband did all the playgroups and on the rare occasions I got to go I heard these comments constantly. It’s just awkward small talk really, don’t worry too much about it.

I agree. This is true here I think! I think there is another layer in that my son really enjoys playing with her son and I’m sad if we can’t make it work for their sake but I know he will make other fiends and is very little (again mum guilt coming in here)

OP posts:
Original poster
CliptyClop · 06/03/2025 15:39

Roseshavethorns · 06/03/2025 15:27

It's the kind of thing I would say but mean look how much he loves you.
I was a sahm for many years and I never got the reception from my children that my friends who worked got when they managed to get back in time for school pick up. I'll admit to feeling a bit jealous.
I think that no matter what we do as parents we always feel a niggling guilt. (Unless it is a completely free choice without financial and childcare restraints and you are 100% confident in your parenting choices, and if you are I really envy you)
As a sahm I couldn't afford to do some of the things my friends did with their children, my friends felt they didn't spend enough time with their children and were always stressed about time when they were together. They envied my easy approach to things as I wasn't under time constraints. Our guilt over our choice can mean we see criticism in what was really an innocent remark.
At the end of the day you make the best choice you can for you and your family. Unfortunately the choice you make can mean that you have less in common with friends who make different choices.

Thank you and seeing it from this point of view does resonate thank you. This is why I like this site. Someone said about my partner stirring. Although he is not like that, he does have history with her husband (how we met) and I have never let it effect us because their drama is their drama but he might have jumped to believe the worse case scenario so to speak.

OP posts:
Original poster
CliptyClop · 06/03/2025 15:40

Thank you everyone. Helpful to see all points of view

OP posts:
BabalooDancing · 06/03/2025 15:46

I can't guess at her motivation but it was a rude thing to say and very insensitive. Whatever is eating her, she's taking out on you.

1983Louise · 06/03/2025 16:13

I think it was just an observation, do you feel guilty about not dropping him off the other mornings. She may have touched a nerve if you are feeling guilty.

SheridansPortSalut · 06/03/2025 16:19

You're over thinking it.

BreatheAndFocus · 06/03/2025 16:22

YABU. She was probably saying it to comment on how much he loves you. You sound over-sensitive because you don’t drop him off often, but I don’t think there was any malice in what she said.

CherryMarigold · 06/03/2025 16:29

Due to being a bit awkward socially I have a habit of wording things in a clumsy way which go on to haunt me for the rest of my life.
I still cringe over badly worded comments from twenty odd years ago.

If you like her and want to maintain the friendship then give her the benefit of the doubt.

IDoWhateverItTakes · 06/03/2025 16:34

It's the "actually" that makes it clear it's a judgmental dig at you and presumably your need/choice (irrelevant really) to work.

HappyintheHills · 06/03/2025 16:42

I’d be inclined to discount the actually and value the children’s relationship.
She may feel awkward offering a date as you have other commitments, so could you invite them?

LilacReader · 06/03/2025 16:51

I read this message and without reading others comments to dissuade me, I just thought she was making a nice comment to please you. Saw nothing malicious in it at all.
With regard her not messaging you much, this is just probably down to the fact that she has a lot of free time when you don't and has made a few more friends whilst you've been at work. Nothing to worry about, it will happen all through your child's school life. x

JorgyPorgy · 06/03/2025 17:13

I would probably say something like that innocently thinking “aww it’s so lovely the kid is happy his mum is doing drop off” . Definitely don’t read into that ! As for pulling away, she might think same about you and have found non working friends ? Keep making effort with her & don’t overthink this.

thegirlwithemousyhair · 06/03/2025 17:19

Don't take it on board. Obviously you're a bit senstive to the subject but its not worth dwelling on. You probably have a bit less in common with her now with you being at work and she being at home... perhaps she's feeling that more than you, idk. You're probably both projecting a bit.

Didimum · 06/03/2025 17:32

Your son probably is happy you're doing the drop off when you do! (And I say this as a mum who also works full time and has a 2hr commute). I don't think it's a dig.

commonsense61 · 06/03/2025 17:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 06/03/2025 18:11

Popfull · 06/03/2025 15:15

I wonder why i go through life with such little drama in relationships and can’t remember falling out with anyone aside from tiffs with my husband… since school

Then I read threads and responses like some on here and I think “ah that’s why”. I don’t see shadow where there very likely aren’t any.

Wow what an unnecessarily smug comment! Bizarre....

Shinyandnew1 · 06/03/2025 18:18

English is actually not her first language.

Hmmm, I would give her the benefit of the doubt on this one then!

Tortoisehair · 06/03/2025 18:21

I wouldn’t dwell on it. She may have issues, she may not. People say the most random things. One of my friends disliked a woman at the school gate because she was always busy and rushing. She had a job I think. Such a strange reason to dislike someone. Yet then didn’t mind at all another woman who went round ranting abusively at people over cakes and the like. Just carry on being you and don’t take it too seriously. It’s only a few years of your life. It passes quickly.

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