To feel utterly fed up, despite knowing others are worse off? How do I buck myself up?

[utterlyfedup2]

In the past year, I have lost my best friend to a sudden heart attack, my gran to dementia and my husband (who thankfully is still with us) has had multiple surgeries.

It's been a crappy year and I feel I have no one to talk to and will look like a complete spoiled brat if I complain.

My dh has had some surgeries which means he's had to close his business and is now working in a much lower paid job which he does not enjoy. My business is going well and I have built up my client base in the local area.

DH's lower income and our mortgage deal coming to an end means we will have to move within the next 1-2 years. I'm unbelievably sad about this. I love our house. It works perfectly for my business and we are so settled here.We made so many sacrifices to get to this point and worked really really hard (which feels like a waste now). I love the area we live in. We both worked SO hard to get to this point and now it feels like it's all been for nothing. All my clients are local and I am worried that if we move too far, I will have to start again. We rely on my income. It's around 2.5-3 x my husband's.

Our choices are:

1. Stay in the local area and move to a much smaller house but be mortgage-free.
2. Stay in the local area and move to a slightly smaller house and still have a mortgage.
3. Move areas and possibly pay off the mortgage or have a smaller mortgage but probably lose all my clients and have to build up my business again. We rely on my income.

I am exhausted from everything that has happened over the last year. I have not stopped work through any of it and am working more hours than ever. DH is just so angry at the situation and feeling pretty depressed, which I understand. But I feel I am expected to just carry on and just accept the new situation because I am the 'lucky' one. I can't complain.

I know it's not his fault. He didn't ask to need surgeries and lose his business. He is mourning the loss of his business and being the main provider. His pride has taken a massive dent. He is in pain daily. He does not enjoy his new job and feels embarrassed to have got to the situation of having to take it on. He has applied for other jobs and not even got as far as interview. He is so angry/down all the time so I cannot tell him how I am feeling.

I know things could be much worse. I do know that. But I feel so pissed off that the lovely life we had worked so hard to create is now changing so much. I am sitting crying over my lunch and know I have to be the strong one. I don't have many friends and am not close to my family.

It doesn't help that my parents are literally millionaires who could help us if they wanted to but choose to only ever offer token things or promises they don't carry through and turn up with token gestures and make stupid comments. My mother told me the other day that she is so proud of both of us like I should be thankful for her saying that. Oh, and she brought me a bunch of flowers (she knows I hate cut flowers). Fuck off mother. This year has been crap. We are in a less than ideal situation and I couldn't care less if you are 'proud of me'. We have had no choice other than to deal with the situation and do what we needed to with no help from anyone. I know it's not their responsibility to bail us out but the broken/empty promises hurt and again, I am expected to smile sweetly and say thank you for whatever crumbs they throw my way. I am very close to going no contact with them.

How do I make myself see all this more positively?

I'm so sorry for everything you have gone through.

Don't move areas.

Building up new clients can be very hard and you don't need that on top of everything else.

Can you take some time for yourself out of the situation? In my local area there are groups for carers which you might find helpful, as at least there are others in similar situations.

With a year like that you’re fine wallowing and feeling down. It won’t however help with the financial situation unfortunately. I would try not to move areas or move if you can avoid it. I assume you’ve explored all avenues of extending mortgage etc. I hope things improve this year for you

Thank you 😊

I'm not caring for anyone. DH is okay now, just not able to do the job he did before. It's proving challenging for him to find anything much above minimum wage as all his skills are related to the other job and he doesn't have formal qualifications.

I'm torn. If I insist we stay in the same area, our choices of house are limited. They're not what we really want and what we've worked so hard for and I worry DH will resent that. I'm aware my situation sounds very entitled.

YANBU and your parents should feel ashamed for not helping you. Hope things look up soon.

Is there absolutely no way you can stay in the current house, hunker down, cut out all non essential spending and wait it out?

Sorry if you can't but just checking you've really really crunched the numbers.

Thank you.

I don't expect them to give us money. I'm just hurt that they 'sort of' offer but don't really mean it and I'm not allowed to call them out on that. My mum in particular is very manipulative.

They'd always told us that they would be putting dd through university and have reneged on that too. They're instead giving her a very small amount and have quietly 'forgotten' what they originally promised over and over during the last 18 years, so obviously that's had a financial impact on us too, as well as dd. They're not in financial trouble before anyone asks. They're choosing not to help.

I'm sure things will work out. We aren't in a terrible situation, it's just that it's not what was planned and it hurts that all the hard work and sacrifice isn't exactly paying off in the way we'd hoped.

It sounds like they enjoy the praise of making these big promises but don’t actually want to part with the cash. It’s despicable. We’ve had the same.

There's not a lot we could trim to be honest. We don't live extravagantly. At thr moment it's all manageable but once our mortgage deal ends next autumn it looks like those costs will be massively more than we're currently paying. It's not an immediate change but it is coming.

I look at right move and simply feel pushed off and uninspired with what our choices are. I know that sounds princessy!

DH talks about doing some hone improvements to make the house look its best and wants my opinion etc. All I can think is, I don't care since I won't get to live here and enjoy it. 🤷‍♀️

Maybe I'll win the lottery....

I don't blame you one bit for wallowing. You are going through a huge amount of stress and loss and sadness, and feeling a huge amount of responsibility. I think you need to go easy on yourself instead of telling yourself to 'buck up'

I once read great advice that says to treat yourself like a dear friend who is going through a breakup. You wouldn't be telling her to 'buck up', you would be allowing her lots of time to talk, and feel, and cry it out, encouraging her to rest and eat well and take things gently. You get the idea

And hard relate to 'fuck off mother'. A sentiment after my own heart x

Exactly this.

Would a lodger income make up the shortfall? We are going through the worse housing crisis in a long time so you wouldn't have any problem finding one.

Can you not re-mortgage or release some equity? Or are you mortgaged up to the hilt?

Love the username!

We'd really rather not gp down that route. We are both quite introverted people and would hate someone else living in the house. The move is inevitable and I am wallowing.

You’re allowed to feel bad about your life but you are being unreasonable to expect anyone to fix it for you.

Dont move areas - but do move to a smaller house and reduce financial pressure on you for now (it doesn’t have to be forever).

But as a priority you need to look after yourself. No one is going to do this for you. You are learning the hard way. You need to be selfish and make time for yourself. Book time off, spend time doing what you love, treat yourself, build your week around activities that restore yourself. Give yourself what you need.

I don't expect anyone to fix it for me. I haven't said I do.

I am annoyed that people pretend to offer to help and don't mean it or follow it through, but expect me to be thankful to them. For nothing. That's exhausting and adds to the stress and general crap feeling.

I do have time off. I'm really fortunate that my business isn't a full time job. Bit yes, I do feel like I need something to look forward to. I'll think about what that could be.

I think I need to be honest with DH that I'd rather stay in our area.

I realise you feel in the doldrums at the moment but you do have the choice of taking a lodger rather than moving; it might only be for a couple of years and would help you keep the house which you say you don’t really want to give up. You don’t say what kind of area you are in but people like foreign students or junior doctors can be “hardly know they’re there” lodgers.

Could you protect yourself going forward with some kind of health/employment insurance for yourself, just incase something unexpected affects your own ability to earn? Its too late to do so to protect your husbands previous income sadly, but could be a safety net for yourself.

We have both looked into this and it is incredibly expensive for a policy which has a lot of exceptions. I'm fortunate that my business can be run from home and does give me a decent work/life balance.

Our best protection to be honest, would be being mortgage free. We're very fortunate that we have a lot of equity because of the sacrifices weve made ij the past and we'd always said we would downsize if necessary in this type of scenario. We didn't plan on it in our early 40s though, it's gutting but probably the best option.

I think I'm just very weary of life right now abd upset at the likely upheaval, cost of moving etc. Maybe I need to take some time off. We have a holiday booked in September but that's a long way off.

Yes, I'm aware it's a possibly choice financially.

I don't want to have a stranger living in our house. A lot of people would feel the same I think.

1. and a holiday of a life time

Tell them you might not be seeing so much of them in the near future as you’re thinking of moving away so you can afford a property once your mortgage offer runs out .
Tell them you’ve been looking at cheaper places that you can afford in add random far away area that they couldn’t visit

Ha ha!

I'm really trying not to see them unless necessary. I also simply don't tell them much as they make it all about them. I prefer not to give them the power of information...

But a change in area (away from them) could have some welcome benefits ...

OP, can you take a second job while your dh picks up more of the domestic stuff? It might allow you to stay in your house.

Work out how much extra you need per month, and calculate how many evenings you would need to work in a bar. Earning £50 a night, two evenings a week might allow you to keep your home and not waste thousands on fees and stamp duty.

It's worth considering.

Taking some time off isn't going to help !

I would then plan to have the best quality of life possible. An interior designed house or something that makes it really special.

Sorry you have had a tough time.
Could it be that your parents are not appreciating your struggle as opposed to being nasty? Perhaps you could lay out, in writing, where you are having financial hardships, and what the consequences of these will be (losing your home/business etc.) Next time you invite your parents over, show them this and ask if they, as older, successful people, have any suggestions.
My SIL did this to my In-laws and they were horrified as they hadn't realised the general "things are expensive, not sure I can keep running my car" and so on, wasn't just general level moaning. They immediately stepped in with financial help.
There could be the possibility that your parents are not as well off as you believe, but this gives them the opportunity to explain that to you.
If your parents then carry on with platitudes and nothing else, certainly distance yourselves from them and clearly let them know why.