To feel utterly fed up, despite knowing others are worse off? How do I buck myself up?

[utterlyfedup2]

In the past year, I have lost my best friend to a sudden heart attack, my gran to dementia and my husband (who thankfully is still with us) has had multiple surgeries.

It's been a crappy year and I feel I have no one to talk to and will look like a complete spoiled brat if I complain.

My dh has had some surgeries which means he's had to close his business and is now working in a much lower paid job which he does not enjoy. My business is going well and I have built up my client base in the local area.

DH's lower income and our mortgage deal coming to an end means we will have to move within the next 1-2 years. I'm unbelievably sad about this. I love our house. It works perfectly for my business and we are so settled here.We made so many sacrifices to get to this point and worked really really hard (which feels like a waste now). I love the area we live in. We both worked SO hard to get to this point and now it feels like it's all been for nothing. All my clients are local and I am worried that if we move too far, I will have to start again. We rely on my income. It's around 2.5-3 x my husband's.

Our choices are:

1. Stay in the local area and move to a much smaller house but be mortgage-free.
2. Stay in the local area and move to a slightly smaller house and still have a mortgage.
3. Move areas and possibly pay off the mortgage or have a smaller mortgage but probably lose all my clients and have to build up my business again. We rely on my income.

I am exhausted from everything that has happened over the last year. I have not stopped work through any of it and am working more hours than ever. DH is just so angry at the situation and feeling pretty depressed, which I understand. But I feel I am expected to just carry on and just accept the new situation because I am the 'lucky' one. I can't complain.

I know it's not his fault. He didn't ask to need surgeries and lose his business. He is mourning the loss of his business and being the main provider. His pride has taken a massive dent. He is in pain daily. He does not enjoy his new job and feels embarrassed to have got to the situation of having to take it on. He has applied for other jobs and not even got as far as interview. He is so angry/down all the time so I cannot tell him how I am feeling.

I know things could be much worse. I do know that. But I feel so pissed off that the lovely life we had worked so hard to create is now changing so much. I am sitting crying over my lunch and know I have to be the strong one. I don't have many friends and am not close to my family.

It doesn't help that my parents are literally millionaires who could help us if they wanted to but choose to only ever offer token things or promises they don't carry through and turn up with token gestures and make stupid comments. My mother told me the other day that she is so proud of both of us like I should be thankful for her saying that. Oh, and she brought me a bunch of flowers (she knows I hate cut flowers). Fuck off mother. This year has been crap. We are in a less than ideal situation and I couldn't care less if you are 'proud of me'. We have had no choice other than to deal with the situation and do what we needed to with no help from anyone. I know it's not their responsibility to bail us out but the broken/empty promises hurt and again, I am expected to smile sweetly and say thank you for whatever crumbs they throw my way. I am very close to going no contact with them.

How do I make myself see all this more positively?

Have you considered extending the term of your mortgage? Or going interest only until your income improves

We've already done both.

I already have a second job.

DH can't physically do the house work etc. Not that that would help financially anyway.

It doesn't sound like you're wallowing, it sounds like your life and your future has changed massively in a negative way and you're struggling to come to terms with that.

Anyone who'd been through that much would be in a bad place. You sound quite on top of things and realistic, which is impressive.

You may have to move, which will be rubbish, but you will adapt and things will be ok. In the meantime life will be stressful and a bit shit. Try to go easy on yourself and make sure you have some positive things going on - even just visiting a friend or doing nice things with your DD.

Could your DH do with some counselling? It sounds like he's having a very rough time.

With respect, I'm not mistaken about their situation or their attitude.

They absolutely could help and do realise what our situation is.

They choose not to help. I'm not expecting anything from them as that would be pointless. My issue with them isn't that they're not giving us money.

I know you're rightly having a wallow and understand that, but just to say that the fact you could stay in the area, own a house and be mortgage-free is pretty great. It's not the house you're in or a house that you love, I get that, but given all you've been through if you're worst case scenario is staying put but being mortgage-free in a house you're not keen on, then that's not too bleak really. I guess with millionaire parents and having worked hard too it feels like you should have the house you love and not have to move, but these are tough times for most and it could be so much worse. I'd stay in the area and get my head around a house you love less, or indeed finding a way to fall in love with it. It's still your home and security means so much, knowing you can afford to stay there come what may.

OP, I hear what you’re saying about lodgers and you don’t want a stranger living in your house. Just wanted to mention weekday lodgers. It’s completely different to someone living with you, your house is not their home, they are just looking for an alternative to a hotel in the working week. You can set the number of days they can stay and exclude weekends etc. My partner did this to help pay the mortgage when he went back to full time study for an extended period, and it worked really well. His first lodger was a doctor at a nearby hospital and was barely there. The other lodgers worked out well too.

If you were my child, I’d hope you would come to me with numbers that we could discuss. Are your parents at all approachable in a business-like manner?

It sounds as though they are well-off. They could make use of the annual £3k each of them can gift. Although that would depend on whether you have siblings and being fair to each of you. They can always whack it off any i inheritance later.

It’s just an idea. Hope it doesn’t offend.

It sounds like you've been through a awful lot and it's overwhelming having to make such big life choices, particularly if you don't want to move.

Out of the options you give, I would stay in the local area and move to a much smaller house but be mortgage-free.

I appreciate you don't want to move and it must be tough, but it's better you take control of the situation than end up in debt and losing your current house and then be in a worse decision.

I am sorry about your situation, it sounds very hard. You need to take care of yourself, you’ve shouldered a lot of burden and life changes. Remember it is not necessarily all bad.

You are not failing by downsizing and your husband would not be entitled to resent you for it, just like you don’t resent him for it. It is down to circumstances. You keep being there for each other which means loads.

Your daughter is already at uni so moving house is a lot less disruptive to her.

You can do it and be mortgage free if you choose to. Have more freedom to have a different life than before.

As to your parents, you could pull them up on it next time they “promise” to help. Or just avoid their manipulative a**es.

I think you are definitely allowed a good wallow. Just don't do it for too long and become bitter about your lot in life. Downsizing and being mortgage free in the area sounds like your best option but of course I don't know if this is right for you and your family. It will suck massively to move to a smaller home and you will probably resent it for a while, but you will be more financially secure and still be able to do your business with your hard earned client base. I'm sorry you've had it so rough 🙁

How do I make myself see all this more positively?

I think this is a very loaded question, surely the kind question is 'How do I help myself deal with and process all the difficult things that have happened?'

Yes, but how?

How do I just get on with being the main earner, responsible for most of the bills and get on with life, plus move houses? I need to be in a better frame of mind to do it all successfully and I'm just not there. I don't know how to get there.

I never got to go to my friends funeral because my husband came home from hospital that day and obviously I had to be there for him. I did get to go to my gran's funeral though.

I can't tell you how often each day, I think to myself, 'oh I must tell (friend) x, You or z'. And then it hits me again that she's gone. I do still have my husband. The nhs saved his life and his leg. I have that to be grateful for.

If your DD is 18 and at Uni it’s a perfect time to downsize but depends on the numbers what do they look like downsizing?

OP sorry you have had so many losses - that is hard and you are allowed to grieve and be angry and just fucked off.

You can reframe and rework your ideas and will possibly just have to let go of what once seemed guaranteed. It’s not shit just different. Mortgage free could be a gift and allow you to save for your retirement and could enable more free time and fun. What do you want to do? Find the extra friends and fun and invest in yourself and your relationship. It’s possible leaving the mortgage ultimately helps you leave the shadow of control that your mother flexes and your best riposte to her is to live a life rich in the best things life offers. My dh became very ill and I had to leave my job and worked two jobs and do everything and we went to shit financially. I let go of a lot but I kept all the good stuff and have brilliant friends, great children and a dollop of good cheer. It’s our in-laws who are millionaires - yeah well fat lot of good their cash does them. My parents have very little but have big hearts and great relationships with the grandchildren. I know who I would prefer to end up like! You are well, successful and can house your self and be mortgage free. You have. A daughter and husband and a life to enjoy. Don’t waste time, be aware of your blessings and be generous to yourself when you feel bad but generously kick your own arse if the mood won’t shift.

Maybe give yourself a week off just now. You don't have to move immediately?

Take this week to just do absolutely nothing beyond the essential. What would most help you feel 1% more comforted - gardening, a walk, a bath, a comforting meal, a favourite book?

You need to give yourself a little care

How - one small bit at a time. And right now do nothing. A few days or weeks makes no difference. Put you first and keep finding what helps you the most.

We don’t acknowledge enough the awful pain in losing good friends. It’s such a loss. Do something to honour your relationship and show its importance by being open to new connections.

counselling might be a good place to start - you need to be heard.

Could you extend the mortgage term on your current hone when you remortgage to reduce your payments?

Your grief for lost people, a lost future, and the prospect of losing what you currently have is making you angry and bitter.

I don't think you can move forward until you come to terms with that grief. Acceptance seems a long way off.

Don't let it eat you up.

No, it's already as long as it can be.

I'm really trying. Some days are better than others.

Has your husband got the benefits he is entitled to?

He was self employed before his surgeries so was not really entitled to anything while off work. He's now working so won't get benefits.

He can still be entitled to pip if he struggles with things. Send off for the forms so your application is dated today and do them at your leisure - you have nothing to lose. If he can’t do housework he must be struggling in other ways. I know it’s another bloody job…

He's not entitled. But thanks.