Rant - my friend is making awful life choices

[lilybit2025]

Hi all, sorry this is a long rant. I've had 15 years of this and need some serious advice. I’m really struggling with a friendship right now and could use some advice. My best friend of 15 years is going through a breakup, her ex ended things, which has never happened to her before. She’s always been the one to end things and move on quickly, usually with someone else lined up. But this time, she’s struggling, and while I do feel for her, both me and our other close friend are at a loss for how to support her without completely draining ourselves.

We’ve been there for her through years of bad relationships, being the other women, staying with narcissists, you name it she's done it. It's constant drama, and the same mistakes over and over again. Her whole life revolves around men and seeking male attention. I don’t judge her for it, but it’s hard to watch her self-destruct time and time again.

The problem is, she gets so defensive and rude when I try to offer advice or point out that her behaviour isn’t helping. For example, she’ll text her ex constantly or go places she knows he’ll be, and if I try to gently suggest it’s not good for her, she talks to me like I’m stupid, like I don’t understand what she’s going through. I feel like I can’t win. If I don’t say anything, I’m enabling her, but if I try to be honest, she makes me feel terrible for even saying anything.

It’s exhausting. She’s leaning on other friends lately, and I don’t know if it’s because she’s embarrassed or because she knows we won’t just tell her what she wants to hear or she feels she can confide in me. She used to tell me everything, but now I feel like I’m the last to know what’s going on unless I ask directly and even then, I only get half the story.

To make things worse, she’s going through another breakup (this time he ended it), but she still won’t let go. She even stayed at a hotel with him last night, and took the day OFF work sick to be there (we work together). I know this as my other friend told me. It just makes me laugh at this point. She’s so caught up in this cycle, and I’m honestly at my wit’s end. Last year, she had four different relationships, and it’s always the same chaotic drama. She’s constantly seeking validation from men, and it’s draining. I don’t even enjoy spending time with her anymore.

I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I’m honestly starting to dislike her as a person. How do I support her without enabling her behaviour, and how do I get past this burnout?

Take a step back from this friendship.

Step back from this friendship. She has to learn to manage her own distress.

I think you simply state you have noticed a pattern and maybe she should explore therapy to stop the cycle and leave it at that.
Ultimately you can't change her and if she wants to continue the same cycle take a step back.

Sounds like you're trying to support her but I agree with taking a step back. If you can, enjoy good aspects of the friendship and don't try to help with relationship drama unless she asks you what to do. I don't think you sound like a horrible friend!! It's hard to watch someone we care about suffer.

You need to stop supporting her. It's not good for you if you're fed up with it, and it's not good for her because you're secretly judging, resenting, disliking and moaning about her. No one is getting anything of value from this, so just stop. Your friend sounds like she's pulling away a little in preference for other support anyway, so be glad of that and let her go.

So now your the last to know anything,and she only tells you things when you ask ,and then you only get half a story .
So she's limiting what you know , she doesn't want you knowing her business
So respect that and stop asking
I expect she has picked up on your attitude,and the way you judge her decisions.

Hm the "horrible friend" post is gone now. It's also hard to watch someone you care about make bad decisions for themselves. And if you work together, not nice to hear she's taken a sick day to go make more relationship drama. Sounds very frustrating!

She is pulling away from you because you are giving her a reality check. Let her. Take a step back and start to distance yourself. People like this will drain you forever , she is an emotional vampire and this will be her for years and years to come.

Accept her moving away from you and be glad.

You have your own stuff to deal with that you have stuck around such drama for so long.

People whom generally do not like drama, pull away when they see the pattern of it.

You haven't. Reflect on that.

Disengage.

If she tries to offload, redirect her to therapy.

Do you have to support her @lilybit2025 ? Her behaviour is causing your feelings to turn to ones of dislike for her. Why feel guilty when you're not getting anything positive from her? Friendships are two way things. You need some kind of nourishment too and you're getting none from her.

Why worry about being the last to know and only getting half the story?

She won't thank you or your other friends for draining yourselves to support her, it'll mean nothing to her.

Getting past the burnout will really only be achieved by distancing yourself from her drama, and that will mean distancing yourself from her. It sounds like she's backing off a bit from you because you're not telling her what she wants to hear. She needs to feed her drama in whatever way she can, that's why she's turning to other people now and getting her supply from them. Let them carry on.

I don’t even enjoy spending time with her anymore.

Then don't - it certainly sounds like the friendship has run its course.

She's now keeping you at arm's length, and you don't want to hear about all the drama anyway, so it sounds like you've both naturally reached a way to avoid huge conflicts between you.

Of course it's sad when long-standing friendships cool like this. But realistically, it sounds far more peaceful than continuing to constantly butt heads.

You don't and you can't.
I ended a friendship for this reason. It was draining me.

Hi @lilybit2025 , I have recently had to tell a friend I can’t provide support to anymore around her relationship. It had been starting to impact our friendship. However I am confident our friendship will continue to be strong in other areas, despite me putting up a boundary here.

Have a Google of the “let them theory”. I won’t reference the current book author as there is some evidence she plagiarised the concept, but the basic premise is strong and I think applies well in this situation.

Good luck!

I had the same friendship. Got to the same point as you. It was just too ridiculous. I started being honest about what I thought. No more enabling. She didn’t like me no longer being her yes-man and faded out of my life. Job done.

I'd be only offering to do things that involved like...healthy / positive activity such as "hey lets go on a walk round the reservoir with a coffee and have a chat" and then its a time-limited activity, you can escape once the walk is over, the walk might have helped her feel better and get perspective and you've had some benefit from it too. Or you could suggest starting going to a yoga class with her, or parkrun or something - that way you can't actually talk while its happening and it might help her relieve her stress and improve her life.

I would be avoiding getting drawn into long phone calls / messages about relationships or meet ups where the point of it is just for her to rant.

This is, of course, only if you want to pursue the friendship. She sounds hard work.

Hi OP,

I understand how you are feeling. I can relate to everything you are saying.

My advice to you would be to take a step back from this friendship. You don’t have to end the friendship (unless you want to) but you need to distance yourself.

It can be so draining. You need to put your mental health first. She doesn’t want logical advice, she doesn’t want you to help her, because she isn’t ready to help herself right now.

I can also relate to “she’s leaning on other friends now” - again, she wants people to hype her up and wants reassurance that her behaviour is OK. These friends are probably gearing her up, where as she doesn’t want to listen to your logical advice.

She's causing you constant angst and stress. Not what you want from a friend. Leave her to make her own ridiculous choices and step back. It sounds as if she enjoys the drama - make sure that's not why you've maintained the friendship for too long.

I fell out with a friend for 2 years after she kept entertaining this fucking dickhead who treated her badly. After years of softly softly I simply told her I don’t want to hear about him anymore. He isn’t changing, you’re wasting your time hoping you will and I’m bored of hearing the same thing on repeat. 2 years later when she finally worked out he’s no good for me, we got back in touch, she couldn’t handle the harsh reality. She gave me the same reality check with my abusive narcissistic ex. I stopped telling her about him then when it was time I told her it was done.

your friend needs therapy and you aren’t a therapist, kindly. I’d be questioning if this is a friendship at all when you can’t communicate openly and honestly.

How do I support her without enabling her behaviour, and how do I get past this burnout?

you don't. You can't support her as she hasn't and won't accept it and act on it. She doesn't sound like much of a friend to you and you say you dislike her. So ask yourself, why are you bothering? Life is too short for this sort of crap.

I have been in this self sabotaging, low self esteem, chaotic cycle. I’ve needed counselling and completely changed my life around since.

With that in mind, I still recommend you give her space and prioritise yourself. 💐

Gently recommend therapy and remind her “it’s ok to need therapy” (I was reluctant for ages due to the stigma!)

Take a break, you can always reconnect later when things are calmer. It’s up to you ☺️ It’s your life and you need to protect your peace

Thank you for all your lovely messages. Makes me feel less alone. I do feel a bit lost with it all and it is affecting me mentally. I feel drained and the fact I'm starting to dislike who she is as a person evidently shows. It's giving me anxiety thinking about it!

You need the Mel Robbins podcast "Let Them"

It's a game changer in disengaging

There’s none so blind as those that don’t want to see. They double down and dig their heels in further. Let her crack on. Your advice won’t change her

I knew a woman like this OP. For your own mental health and wellbeing you have to take a step back. I made the decision to step back and then she became threatening and so I just removed myself completely.

It's been a few years now since I've had any contact from her and I just feel so much better. It is really hard but when people are so self destructive and won't listen when you give advice and shout/cry or are rude to you about that advice, it's best to just step back and then eventually cut ties.

My ex friend did lots of the things you describe your friend doing. Also got herself into seriously dangerous situations. One time she told me that her boyfriend threatened her with a gun after they went on a coke and drinking binge. A gun he'd found at his parents house. This is in the UK so obviously very shocking as hardly anyone has access to guns. The fact he was swinging a gun around her face during a coke fuelled argument and she didn't leave him after that was just mad to me. She continued to maintain he was the man for her! They did eventually split up but then she moved onto a Syrian man 22 years her junior who I think was actually an illegal immigrant as he wouldn't work and she spent thousands of pounds on him. He then left with about £3k of her money one day, just disappeared somewhere. She was distraught despite me and her other friends warning her he was using her for her flat and her money.