Rant - my friend is making awful life choices

[lilybit2025]

Hi all, sorry this is a long rant. I've had 15 years of this and need some serious advice. I’m really struggling with a friendship right now and could use some advice. My best friend of 15 years is going through a breakup, her ex ended things, which has never happened to her before. She’s always been the one to end things and move on quickly, usually with someone else lined up. But this time, she’s struggling, and while I do feel for her, both me and our other close friend are at a loss for how to support her without completely draining ourselves.

We’ve been there for her through years of bad relationships, being the other women, staying with narcissists, you name it she's done it. It's constant drama, and the same mistakes over and over again. Her whole life revolves around men and seeking male attention. I don’t judge her for it, but it’s hard to watch her self-destruct time and time again.

The problem is, she gets so defensive and rude when I try to offer advice or point out that her behaviour isn’t helping. For example, she’ll text her ex constantly or go places she knows he’ll be, and if I try to gently suggest it’s not good for her, she talks to me like I’m stupid, like I don’t understand what she’s going through. I feel like I can’t win. If I don’t say anything, I’m enabling her, but if I try to be honest, she makes me feel terrible for even saying anything.

It’s exhausting. She’s leaning on other friends lately, and I don’t know if it’s because she’s embarrassed or because she knows we won’t just tell her what she wants to hear or she feels she can confide in me. She used to tell me everything, but now I feel like I’m the last to know what’s going on unless I ask directly and even then, I only get half the story.

To make things worse, she’s going through another breakup (this time he ended it), but she still won’t let go. She even stayed at a hotel with him last night, and took the day OFF work sick to be there (we work together). I know this as my other friend told me. It just makes me laugh at this point. She’s so caught up in this cycle, and I’m honestly at my wit’s end. Last year, she had four different relationships, and it’s always the same chaotic drama. She’s constantly seeking validation from men, and it’s draining. I don’t even enjoy spending time with her anymore.

I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I’m honestly starting to dislike her as a person. How do I support her without enabling her behaviour, and how do I get past this burnout?

Get used to saying "gosh that must be so hard" and keep it moving.

She isn't happy when you try to be helpful and I guarantee she enjoys the drama of her personal life. It is not your job to provide the scaffolding for her emotional state. Take a few steps back.

If you're feeling drained, it's time to step back for your own mental health. She sounds like an emotional vampire who wants a lot of attention from others. She comes across as erratic and toxic and you seem to be seeing her a bit more clearly and that's why you're both pulling back here.

You can try saying things like

Now is not a good time. Are you available next week?

I don't have the bandwidth today, I am wiped. Text me in a couple days.

Things like that put off the immediate vent and a couple days later, she'll be on to something else. You don't want to be one of her go to people when there's constant crises in her life.

Or just be unavailable.

Or, you could suggest therapy which she will take as insulting and likely end the "friendship".

You can't do anything about your friend's poor choices. Some people seem to thrive on drama!

What you can do is decide not to engage in it, or allow it to drain you and stress you out. This will probably mean taking a big step back from the friendship.

This was me 30 years ago. Such choices around relationships arise from trauma. You can't do anything to change this - she has to see it for herself, and even then it will require therapy and take time. You might feel that her life would be better if she'd just see it all from your point of view and sort herself out, but it doesn't work like that. Her chaotic, distressed approach to relationships isn't "who she is" though, it's only one aspect of her.

I have friends from that time who could see and appreciate the other aspects of me, who waited patiently and without judging for me to deal with my shit. I have other friends who had been through similar experiences, who generously shared their insights without pressing me to see things their way or change to be more like them. And I have yet other friends who fell by the wayside, because they didn't have it in them to cope with a friend whose past was dragging them down.

None of those friends was being unreasonable. You can choose which group to be in and that's OK. But please don't dismiss her as enjoying the drama. No one chooses to be unhappy.

I understand what you’re saying, but from my experience, she does thrive on the drama even if she doesn’t see it. Her life has always been chaotic, and she seems to seek out people and relationships that fuel that pattern. I’ve been in a toxic relationship myself when I was younger, and I know how addictive that kind of intensity can be like a drug.

I know it’s coming from a place of trauma, but she also chooses to stay in it. We have tried everything and every form of help we can. I truly hope she sees it one day, but until then, I need to step back for my own peace.

Yeah. My sister is 10% of this, mostly the defensive bit and refusal to let it drop.

I love her to bits and it's impossible to stay cross, but she will not listen to a jot of suggestions about positive ways to go forward.

😔

Many people only want to listen to things they want to hear, not what they need to hear. That is why bad decisions are made and is why populism is so good at drawing people in whilst harming those it claims to represent. You can't use logic against people like that so don't waste your time and resources trying. Let them run their own life and be there for them if/when it all comes crashing down around them, which it will when they won't use logic alongside the emotion.

Tell her you are there for her when she has stopped engaging with the drama, but you cant stand by and watch her making the same mistakes over and over again - you have nothing else to offer her, because you are at the end of what you know how to do. Tell her you will always be there in the future, but you dont know what to offer at the moment.

I was involved in a friendship with a woman who behaved like this many years ago. After 3 years I had to step away to preserve my own sanity really.
I haven't looked back and I have no regrets.
Those 3 years were utterly draining.😫

‘ Friends’ like this are not friends. They are vampires: they suck your blood. Dump her - or at least step back. I don’t understand why you’re complaining that she now never tells you anything and that you’re the last to know. That’s exactly what you need. You don’t need people like this in your life.

Save your sanity and step away from this ‘friendship’ it sounds a nightmare.

Could your friend have adhd? This might explain her impulsiveness & need for positive reinforcement.

Talk about issues

I would suspect she might have borderline personality disorder. Get away from her chaos for the sake of your own peace of mind.

Just let it fade away

It’s still possible to be her friend if you understand that life has to teach her the lessons that you can’t. It makes it less emotionally draining but you need to get comfortable watching the train wreck