Too get little joy from my friends?

[mrlistersgelfbride]

I'm quite an introverted person but I'm a good laugh when you get to know me and when I was young I always did lots of keep my friendships going. Maybe as my family is small and not very close, it was important to me.

Now at 40 I find myself with several friendship groups from different stages of my life , old school friends, ex colleagues, colleagues, mum friends (I hate that term but you get the drift!) - I have more than 1 group of the latter. All these groups are separate.
Lately I feel like I'm seeing people on rotation and it's becoming a chore and a box ticking exercise.
I feel guilty to be out too much with friends, as I get older I want to chill at home more and be with my DD (who is 7- strangely enough I felt less like this when she was a baby). I can't be bothered and I like peace and quiet and chilling! I have a long commute and a job where I'm always on my feet and enjoy my downtime.

I just don't feel I'm getting much from my friendships now, it seems like an endless cycle of doing things others want to do to keep friendships going and when I've seen one group it's time to see the next one etc.
I sound arrogant but I don't really want or need all the different friendship groups. Is this really horrible?
Anyone else feel like this, and what did you do?

I think it's a fair realisation.

I feel similarly. Well, I feel that I can no longer be bothered to maintain friendships where I'm not enjoying myself much when we're together. Not much laughing or fun - so what's the point.

I totally know the feeling!
What did you do if anything?
I've no idea how to end friendships it seems really cruel but it's hard when you no longer get much out of it.

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Sorry you feel that way.

I can't relate to this to be honest

Emerald roulette deleted their post however it's got nothing to do with disappearing from friends lives when you start a family.
My closest friends are my old school friends many of whom are childfree and I relate to them the best as we've known each other longest.

The cowardly slow option:
Just dont make arrangements. If your friends make arrangments, say yes if you want to go. If not, say you are busy and waiting for a few family commitment dates to be confirmed (or some other excuse) and then keep putting it off, be slow to respond
The take no prisoners option:
Dont make arrangements, when they do , tell them you don’t have time or desire for regular meet-ups right now. You are overloaded and will keep in touch via social media for time being.

Keep a handful of your good fun friends, ditch those that are not mutually enjoyable.

Friendships are meant to be enjoyable. Friends are meant to be people you enjoy spending time with.

You are absolutely not obliged to see people all the time just because you have socialised with them in the past. A decent friendship doesn’t feel like a chore.

i also think people can naturally go through phases of being much more or less sociable. My sister was always very outgoing but went through quite a long phase (years) in her 40s and 50s where she lost a lot of her inclination to socialise, for lots of different reasons (coinciding with menopause too). She’s recently got her social mojo back though and is now out all the time. Maybe it’s just a life stage thing for you.

Some people say life is too short, but my view is life is long, and important people weave in and out of your life depending on circumstances. Don’t burn bridges, and don’t dramatically end friendships. My experience has been that it’s lovely to pick up threads over the years; it’s the ‘mum friends’ of the early child years that probably have fallen away most in recent years, but who knows, we might pick up again. If it suits you to dial the focus down now to centre your DD, in a few years you might seek out old friends again. If you liked people once, it’s likely you’ll remember why you liked them when (or if) you want to expand your circle again,

Whilst I don’t relate to this, I feel sadness for you as this shouldn’t be what friendship is about.

Old friendships sometimes fizzle out & if you’re not enjoying the company maybe that’s the case but are you generally feeling ok? This can be a sign of depression or burnout. Friendships shouldn’t be a chore & it’s perfectly normal to find spending time with your children wonderful. Social media makes us believe that we need to have massive groups of friends to feel that we ‘belong’ in society, but you have to do what’s right for you. Don’t burn bridges with old friends, but maybe step away for a while & focus on you xx

It is probably just a phase of your life. My mum spent little time with her friends when we were kids and she was working full time, but after we left home she went back into them and they now have incredible friendships again - holidays, days out etc.

So I think it's fine to withdraw a bit but I would do enough to keep them warm that you can reignite them in due course.

Tbh, I've felt this way most of my life. I had close friendships in school, which were deeply meaningful at that time in my life, but by the time I was a young adult, I realised that I simply no longer felt the need for many friends, and what I got out of friendships wasn't worth what I had to put in. I prefer to spend time and energy in other ways and am generally perfectly happy as I am. I have close relationships with family and DH, and that's enough socialising for me.

Some people on here will tell you that if you don't maintain lifelong friendships, you'll regret it, if or when your husband leaves you or dies, but I'd rather live my life in a way that makes me happy now. I may die long before DH does, but if I outlive him and all my family, I believe I'll find others who are in a similar position and want to cultivate new friendships later in life. And if not, I think I'll still be fine.

There's no right or wrong way to do it, and it doesn't have to be all or nothing: You can always continue to maintain some friendships while allowing others to gently fade.

It is indeed difficult to maintain friendship one-sidedly. Sometimes I feel like I am their bootlicker and I am tired of socializing with people.

Yes it's the friendship by appointment aspect that is totally draining. Especially with so many of them. Informal friendships are much easier.

There is no better plan the a cancelled plan - have you seen the memes on socials about this. The mini joyous celebrations when the other party cancel.

Four friendship groups is a lot to maintain start turning offers down or cancelling.

Wow I could have written this OP. I have a group of childhood friends, two groups of ex colleagues, my current colleagues and then my Mum friends. All of them want a piece of me and it's exhausting. I dread to see the invite for a meet up coming up on WhatsApp. I work full time with four children and I love nothing more than cuddling up on the sofa with the older ones rather than being out all the time. Strangely enough the newest friends are the mum friends and I enjoy their company the most as I feel at this stage of my life I have the most in common with them. My problem is when the dreaded poll goes in for availability then I have to pick a date I can't say none of them suit. And if I try to cancel last minute then there's a rush to reschedule to a date that suits me when really I just want them to go on without me!!! I'm aware this makes me sound so antisocial which I really am not. And I do appreciate how lucky I am to have friends.

I think the trouble with multiple friend groups is that you spend a lot of time repeating yourself with your own life updates eg work, family etc so it becomes boring

Ahh I get this. Also 40.
I'm just not bothered in making the effort anymore. I know it probably not great on a lot of levels, but its how I feel. I think I'm definitely going to end up with a small funeral, or eaten by my cats!!

Friends are critical for women. As we age men often become increasingly inward looking and can't give us the emotional and intellectual stimulation we need.

Also they die before us,

So whilst I understand this is a tough age for maintaining friendships, I would advise all women to put the work in as soon your kids will be grown and you'll see the value of friends again

Personally I don’t feel this way but I don’t persevere with friendships where I don’t feel good after seeing people. I genuinely feel uplifted when I see my friends and if I don’t and if I don’t look forward to seeing someone then I don’t keep the friendship going

I would say though that once your DDs life revolves around friends (pre teen upwards stage) then you’ll be glad to have kept friendships going otherwise it can feel quite lonely

This. The friends that I make an effort with are the ones who make me feel good, can connect with me where I am right now, and where I get a lot out of the relationship. Those are friends who I want to see and I would be looking forward to meeting up with them.

If friends are feeling like a chore then perhaps you don't have enough in common anymore, are at different life stages, and are going your different ways.

It's OK to become more distant - some friends are only for certain life stages and that's OK. You don't have to keep in touch with everyone forever.

You’re a bit older now and your needs are changing. It’s fine to cut down but do it sensitiviely because no one has done anything wrong and some of the friends might be hurt. Just say you’re too tired and busy at the moment to go out much.

I’ve got a couple of situations like this where I’m not enjoying the group dynamic. I think TBH it’s my age or I am just getting a bit intolerant as I age. However I’ve managed to join up with a few people on a 1-1 basis for lunch/ dinner which was great and I still get on really well with friends who I have via a shared hobby. And I’m aware that I might get lonely as I age if I did just cut people off rather than just take a step back from the bigger group stuff which is what I am doing at the moment.

Is an issue that you’re introverted and doing more social stuff than you have energy for?

You could cut back on frequency and also maintain friendships, eg with the friends you value the most or activities you enjoy.

I didn’t make much effort in friendships after DC (for different reasons) and really regret it, am sometimes lonely.

Don’t think stepping back completely will help you long term.

You don’t need to end all of your friendships OP. Just see all of them less often. That way it may feel like more of a treat when you do and if not, dial it down again and again until it’s at a cadence you’re comfortable with

I do kind of understand what you mean. I only have time for and see people I actually really like and have a nice time with. There aren’t many of those left now! Full disclosure, I am single and live alone (as well as WFH most of the time) so I do try and see people so I don’t become too isolated