Too get little joy from my friends?

[mrlistersgelfbride]

I'm quite an introverted person but I'm a good laugh when you get to know me and when I was young I always did lots of keep my friendships going. Maybe as my family is small and not very close, it was important to me.

Now at 40 I find myself with several friendship groups from different stages of my life , old school friends, ex colleagues, colleagues, mum friends (I hate that term but you get the drift!) - I have more than 1 group of the latter. All these groups are separate.
Lately I feel like I'm seeing people on rotation and it's becoming a chore and a box ticking exercise.
I feel guilty to be out too much with friends, as I get older I want to chill at home more and be with my DD (who is 7- strangely enough I felt less like this when she was a baby). I can't be bothered and I like peace and quiet and chilling! I have a long commute and a job where I'm always on my feet and enjoy my downtime.

I just don't feel I'm getting much from my friendships now, it seems like an endless cycle of doing things others want to do to keep friendships going and when I've seen one group it's time to see the next one etc.
I sound arrogant but I don't really want or need all the different friendship groups. Is this really horrible?
Anyone else feel like this, and what did you do?

YABU though to ‘get little joy from friends’ - that seems dismissive of friendships, you’re mainly talking about regular group meet-ups.

It’s fine to feel this way! Do what you want and what makes you happy not others! I love letting my hair down with my friends… I always suffer the next day but I feel I need the release!

Yes this absolutely resonates with me. I have friends who "fill my tank". After spending time with them I feel rested, reenergised, my cheeks hurt from laughing.

I also had friends who "emptied my tank'. I would prioritise them always but never got that in return, and would spend hours with them having fought to clear time in my diary to do so and would not get asked anything about how I was or how my family was. And we were often going through some very difficult times. I was always the supporter, never the recipient of the support.

It took me years to recognise this and then to take steps to withdraw from the friendships. Consequently I now have a much smaller friendship group but they are women who would bury a body for me, and I for them. And I am much happier.

I get this! I made some changes a few years ago and left a group which was fun superficially but there was nothing beyond that and I found it frustrating and boring. I've since cultivated what I call authentic friendships..I know that sounds a bit pretentious but you know what I mean !

Proper chats, connecting, can talk about anything, supportive. I feel so much better and connected to myself now I've made this change.

It's ok to be an introvert. Society has ingrained in his we have to be an extrovert. Do what makes you happy. Sounds like would be reducing your friendship groups down and spending more time at home.

I think there are people with a strong preference for their friends to be a group and people with a strong preference for separate friendships. I get struggling with a long list of different people that have to be seen separately. Is there any potential for merging, for example hosting something and inviting both mum groups?

If you do feel the need to fade some of these people I think you have to accept that this process often won't be reversible. This can be a problem if you later find yourself needing more company. YMMV but some of us find making new friends from scratch extremely difficult.

It's a toss up between contemplating the long term and how miserable you want to make the short term sometimes.

Yes, I have done the same. I have enough friends to feel satisfied but none of them are "filler friends". I benefit from each and every friendship I have in one way or another and they don't drain me. I have had friends like that too though and the reason they drained me is because they weren't right for me. Sometimes you just can't connect on a deeper level and then it's better to just move on. The friendships I have now I don't ever want to let go of.

I’ve found as I get older i want to go out less - also an introvert! Reduce the meet ups you enjoy less. No harm in that.

Just remember your DD won't want to spend much time with you in a few years (as is natural) and your DH will most likely become a bit more dull and more interested in where the neighbours park their car or watching re-runs of fishing programmes than going out and having fun.
I have gently moved away from some friends but have new friends and reinvigorated friendships with old friends as we have more time in our 50s.

As you get older I find the friendships that last are the type when you don't have to see each other all the time, in fact months can go by but when you meet again it's like no time has passed.
I find the see each other often kind too much these days tbh!

I do believe that you can have friendships for periods of times.
Mothers of my children’s friends are the ones I’ve drifted away from the most however I have retained one special friendship with one of them

My personal thoughts are what you may think you would like to do ongoing.
You will like me end up with your children flown the nest and it may be then that you will value all the friendships you had before

Obviously, you could just make new friends, but when you read the posts on here, I think it’s likely that you’ll have trouble and depending how you left your old friendships may find that they’re not interested in you now.

Maybe you just have to be brutally honest and say as much as I’d love to catch up with you all on a regular basis I don’t actually have the time at the moment but neither do I want to lose your friendship

I’ve had to do that just this week. For the last two months, two of my friends who we normally meet up as a threesome have been on and on at me for a date to meet. My life at the moment is pretty impossible and for three of us to come together with a diary date is impossible as well. Added into that prior to the last three months it was me that needed to cancel on at least two occasions. (if you knew my circumstances at the moment you would understand why.)

So yesterday in my I’m really sorry I just don’t have the time at the moment. I also stated on the end that I hope they would not give up on me as I really valued their friendship but life is so hard at the moment I can’t make the time.

They both came back with understanding messages and I am hopeful that by June I will manage to get some respite care and be able to meet them.

I don’t relate but I have a small group of friends and relish the time I have out and the break from home and my dc as it doesn’t happen very often.

Is it a lack of real connection with these people that’s the problem rather than the time you are carving out to spend with them?

I completely understand the feeling of the endless cycle when all you do is put a date in the diary, meet for drinks/meals, throw your news at each other for a couple of hours and repeat.

For me it feels so much more fulfilling to have people I can quickly get to a deeper level with, have more authentic conversation with instead of just the surface stuff.
Then it doesn’t feel like a chore, it becomes something you really look forward to.
Groups are hard though.

Sometimes changing up your activities, trying new things helps gives the friendship a new lease of life. Maybe a big walk or a craft class, anything. Could that be an option for you to try?

I can relate.

I think it's a combination of things for me why I don't want to socialise, or meet up with friends as much as I used to - working, dc at home, various life stresses.

I've been realising that some friend meet ups seem more about our ties from the past - we spend the time reminiscing about what we did together in the past, or when the dc were young etc. And then telling each other what is going on in our lives at the moment - but it can seem that there's little common ground in our present lives even though there was in the past!

The friends I find I want to spend time with are ones where we are doing activities together that we both enjoy, or that somehow there's common ground in our lives and a mutual compatability and understanding of where we are both at.

But I do really value all my friends, old and new, and maybe it's just a stage of life.

I’m 58 and have started to feel like this too.

The most enjoyable day out I’ve had recently was a complete surprise to me; it was with the 82 yr old widow of my ex FIL. We laughed and talked for over 4 hours. Hoping it will be the first of many.

I get this. I’ve tried in the past to initiate plans to see people when I was travelling in their area to catch up. If the individual I contact turns me down a couple times, I don’t make the effort anymore. They may just not want to see me, or they have things to do, or we may not have that much in common anymore, etc., and I don’t take it personally. It is normal for friends to drift in and out of life.

If seeing your friends is a chore, don’t do it. See the people you want to see. As I get into my late 50s, I’d rather have my 3-4 close friends that I see more regularly and enjoy their company. I’m also attending some classes in a couple months in the hopes of making some new friends too.

Friendships wax and wane. You don't have to end any friendships, but it's not compulsory to see everyone in person regularly.

It is fine to decline invites if you don't want to go.

Just go with the flow. Maybe next year you might feel differently and will be happy to see more of those you didn't see much this year.

I have long standing friends from childhood who I only see once or twice a year, at most. It was less when our kids were young.

Do you actually have a good time with your friends when you see them? I similarly have a few groups of friends but I have the best time with them; I couldn’t imagine ghosting.

Due to a major (traumatic) life event I massively retreated from some friendships and then COVID came along and the cowards option (PP set out) was made all the more easier. In my fifties now and I really only see people who mean the world to me and I to them. It's lovely. No energy for socialising for the sake of it. It's not my way.

For me friendship groups became too exhausting. The level of coordination needed to see people was too much.
Just seeing people I like one on one is far easier for me and more fulfilling.