To think if he won’t commit after almost 2 years he never will?

Carswell · 2025-03-04T22:20:27+00:00

We’re early 30s and he is two years younger than me. The relationship has been a happy one but I’ve had a creeping feeling that he isn’t committed in a forever kind of way. No real reason why because he does talk about kids and us in the future, decades from now. Outwardly his actions are loving and kind consistently. He makes a big effort with my family who loves him etc. He’s an excellent partner in the sense of right now. But he is not keen to discuss the future, getting married or having children. I am starting to worry I’m the placeholder while he waits for someone else. Would this reluctance to discuss our future plans worry you at two years in?

SkaneTos · 04/03/2025 22:24

"Decades from now" might be too late for a woman, if we are talking about biological children.

Circumferences · 04/03/2025 22:25

It's hard to say really, you say this:
No real reason why because he does talk about kids and us in the future, decades from now.
So I'm not sure why you think he's not committed without more info?

Is he hard to pin down, always too busy etc?

I assume you don't live together, do you talk every day?

Were you insecure in your last relationship?

JocelynLimo · 04/03/2025 22:27

I think it would worry me. Maybe because my friend got burnt in a similar way.

CowTown · 04/03/2025 22:27

Is he Future Faking you? There’s another thread doing the rounds where the OP is entering her mid-40s and it’s too late…

WilmaTitsDrop · 04/03/2025 22:28

No real reason why because he does talk about kids and us in the future, decades from now.

So when you're in your early 50s?

DelphiniumBlue · 04/03/2025 22:31

Difficult as it is, I think you need a conversation along the lines of, given your age, you want to start preparing to get married and have children now. If that isn't in his game plan, then no hard feelings but you'll be moving on. You're happy to give him a few months to think about it, but the reality is that having children is your priority and you don't want to wait until your late 30's to start trying because of declining fertility.
Then in 3 months time, review your position. Either he will have made his intentions clear, or absence of defined intentions will be the obvious inference to draw, and you can move on.

Original poster

Carswell · 04/03/2025 22:31

To be clear, he talks about when we’re together aged 60, 70, etc. talks in terms like it’s obvious we’ll still be together.

I mean he talks about kids and having kids, almost trying on what it would be like and occasionally if it was together.

the red flag is I’ve tried to talk to him about the future and the first time he was too stressed and the second time he said I was! While yes it has been a stressful year for both of us that is no reason to hold off discussing our future. He seems to be avoiding the topic.

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JHound · 04/03/2025 22:33

When you say he his reluctant what do you mean? He shuts down the discussion? I don’t think two years is too early to discuss the future, what you both want and timelines.

You don’t want to be one of those women who loses her chance of marriage and children to a guy who she let waste her time.

If you were both 18 year olds I would say it was different!

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 04/03/2025 22:36

This would be ok if you were early to mid 20s but early 30s after 2 years it needs to be heading in the direction of a proper commitment or I'd be off. You really don't have the time to waste. I would just say something short and simple to him like "we don't need to discuss this again in depth if you find it stressful, but if nothing has progressed with us in the next 6 months then I'll be re- evaluating whether I can stay with you". Just leave that with him to think about so he knows you're not up for remaining in limbo forever.

curious79 · 04/03/2025 22:38

I've seen too many friends reach their mid to late 30s with a man who wouldn't put a ring on it and then ended up missing out on kids because their fertility dropped off a cliff. If you're just 31 then you can afford to wait, but you can't if you're more 33 creeping up to 34 early 30s.

Have a clear boundary in mind, even if you don't necessarily share it.

Pleatherandlace · 04/03/2025 22:41

I’d be concerned that after two years he won’t even have a conversation about it, but then it’s also a bit odd that you’ve only tried twice. Think you might have to stop being so passive here and letting him fob you off. A relationship isn’t really viable if the couple can’t have honest communication regardless of what the subject matter is.

Crispynoodle · 04/03/2025 23:08

My eldest waited for 8 years for a proposal. Her younger sister has been with her bf nearly 9 years! It's really no big deal

JadededViewer · 04/03/2025 23:15

Ah, the classic dilemma of time spent versus time wasted. Two years in, and you’re still reading tea leaves?

Let me be clear commitment isn’t about duration; it’s about direction. If a man sees his future with you, he won’t just whisper about it in passing he’ll be building it brick by brick.

He’s affectionate, makes nice with the family, even talks about “someday.” That’s charming, but charm is a currency spent by those who prefer the status quo.

If he’s dodging real conversations about marriage and children, that’s not hesitation it’s hesitation with intent. A man who knows what he wants doesn’t keep one foot out the door.

So ask yourself are you the destination or just a comfortable stop along the way? Because two years isn’t a waiting period; it’s an answer in disguise.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/03/2025 23:16

Based on what you have said, yes I would be concerned.

I would choose an evening when you know that you will both be relaxed, set up some nice nibbles and drinks and say you'd like to have a chat about your respective timelines for marriage and kids. Tell him your timeline and ask for his.

Any pushback of any kind, or excuses not to talk, then I would move on.

Darkmorningsarethepits · 04/03/2025 23:26

I’m always really disturbed by women on here who are determined to get a full on commitment seemingly early in a relationship.

BUT there are definite red flags for me here.

It would be fine for him to say, ‘I see you as a long term partner and could definitely see us married with children but I’m enjoying our time building a life together so don’t want to rush it but that’s the direction it’s going in’

Or he could say he isn’t sure if it will be long term (it might be) but he would like to carry on seeing where it’s going but understands if definite commitment is a necessary factor for you at two years in then he would have to be honest he can’t give it.

Panicking, avoiding, refusing to discuss it are all problematic. And coupled with lots of charm and contentment at the status quo suggest either a man who is never going to feel comfortable with commitment but doesn’t want out or one who knows it isn’t forever but is very happy with it for now and so wants to keep you in place.

30s feels early but if you want a family it’s not unreasonable to ask him to clarify where his head is. The tough part is following through and leaving if he’s flakey or not on the same page.

This has happened to two friends of mine. They both gave a deadline after seemingly very happy relationships where the man wouldn’t commit or even discuss the future at about three years in although claimed not to want to split.
In both cases nothing changed and both women left. Both distraught and late 30s. Both men then met someone else and married within a year. Make of that what you will.

ElizaMulvil · 04/03/2025 23:32

Re 'But he is not keen to discuss the future, getting married or having children.'

A man who thought you were the one would be keen to get a ring on your finger in case you were snapped up by some one else.

He's not worried about that because 'he's not that into to you'. You're just filling a need for the time being. When he meets the 'love of his life' you'll not see him for dust. Don't waste your time - look elsewhere.

PodgePie · 05/03/2025 00:32

It would worry me but my experience may give you hope. I met my now DH after leaving an abusive marriage & he was very open about not wanting a long term relationship. I was fine with that at the time but as the relationship continued we started randomly talking about a future together (mainly after a few drinks) … but he still said he was anti-marriage (or any real commitment). We’ve now been together 10 years & married for 4 as things just shifted along the way. He’s the best possible husband so it can work out the way you hope. You need to have a really honest conversation about your future together & make sure you’re on the same page. And if he isn’t up for a life together, at least you’ll know …

JHound · 05/03/2025 00:51

JadededViewer · 04/03/2025 23:15

Ah, the classic dilemma of time spent versus time wasted. Two years in, and you’re still reading tea leaves?

Let me be clear commitment isn’t about duration; it’s about direction. If a man sees his future with you, he won’t just whisper about it in passing he’ll be building it brick by brick.

He’s affectionate, makes nice with the family, even talks about “someday.” That’s charming, but charm is a currency spent by those who prefer the status quo.

If he’s dodging real conversations about marriage and children, that’s not hesitation it’s hesitation with intent. A man who knows what he wants doesn’t keep one foot out the door.

So ask yourself are you the destination or just a comfortable stop along the way? Because two years isn’t a waiting period; it’s an answer in disguise.

This was so magnificently expressed!

And so true too.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/03/2025 00:51

@Carswell

You're early 30s, if I were you the first thing I'd want to figure out would be my own 'timeframe'? Because once you know that, you'll know whether or not his refusal to commit 'right now' is something you need to worry about now. If you want marriage and children before, say 35, then you need to have a shit or get off the pot discussion with him and be prepared to cut him loose. But if your timeframe is age 40, maybe you can wait a year or so and see if he commits.

I had a serious and frank discussion with DH very early on in our relationship because I was getting close to the age where I wanted to be 'settled down'. I basically told him I wanted marriage and children (not specifically with him, just that that was how I saw my future) and if he wasn't interested in those things he needed to tell me now so I didn't waste my (and his) time. Obviously he gave the 'correct' answers and we've been married over 35 years.

JHound · 05/03/2025 00:53

Darkmorningsarethepits · 04/03/2025 23:26

I’m always really disturbed by women on here who are determined to get a full on commitment seemingly early in a relationship.

BUT there are definite red flags for me here.

It would be fine for him to say, ‘I see you as a long term partner and could definitely see us married with children but I’m enjoying our time building a life together so don’t want to rush it but that’s the direction it’s going in’

Or he could say he isn’t sure if it will be long term (it might be) but he would like to carry on seeing where it’s going but understands if definite commitment is a necessary factor for you at two years in then he would have to be honest he can’t give it.

Panicking, avoiding, refusing to discuss it are all problematic. And coupled with lots of charm and contentment at the status quo suggest either a man who is never going to feel comfortable with commitment but doesn’t want out or one who knows it isn’t forever but is very happy with it for now and so wants to keep you in place.

30s feels early but if you want a family it’s not unreasonable to ask him to clarify where his head is. The tough part is following through and leaving if he’s flakey or not on the same page.

This has happened to two friends of mine. They both gave a deadline after seemingly very happy relationships where the man wouldn’t commit or even discuss the future at about three years in although claimed not to want to split.
In both cases nothing changed and both women left. Both distraught and late 30s. Both men then met someone else and married within a year. Make of that what you will.

I have seen this happen so many times. With acquaintances and friends. And in all cases when the man meets the woman he actually wants - he moves quickly.

WearyAuldWumman · 05/03/2025 00:56

My uni boyfriend and I had been dating for more than 3 yrs by the time I was 25. I knew that there was no future when he said that his dream for us was for us each to have our own flat in the same city...

At work one day, a colleague referred to my BF as my 'fiancé'. I corrected him.

'How long have you been going out? Three years? And he's not proposed? What's wrong with him?'

I married my colleague.

ViciousCurrentBun · 05/03/2025 01:04

With every year it does get a little harder. Plus if it isn’t going to happen and your suddenly late thirties harder still to find an ok bloke.

Get him to have the conversation and if you are not ok with the outcome then it’s over. I was 31 when I started dating DH we were married within 18 months and had DS a year later. Would have preferred to have had longer just dating but didn’t see the point in waiting as fertility does decline and that’s the bottom line. For every I had babies at 40 plus there are many who sadly didn’t manage it.

You sure know when they are keen to settle as there is no ambiguity.

Original poster

Carswell · 05/03/2025 01:12

@ViciousCurrentBun i actually feel envious of men who can put it off for years when we women don’t have that luxury.

Because he seems so committed and loving day to day, it was a bit of a shock to find he didn’t want to talk about it yet. I was and am hurt by it.

The issue is I feel like he’s the one for me (first time ever feeling that way despite other LTRs) and it took years of dating to find him.

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ViciousCurrentBun · 05/03/2025 01:19

You say early thirties, is that just 31/32.

Genetic issues such as a higher risk of autism are linked to older fathers, a lot of ongoing research is looking in to other possible factors though.

Original poster

Carswell · 05/03/2025 01:23

I recently turned 33. He is 31, 32 soon.

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