To think if he won’t commit after almost 2 years he never will?

[Carswell]

We’re early 30s and he is two years younger than me. The relationship has been a happy one but I’ve had a creeping feeling that he isn’t committed in a forever kind of way. No real reason why because he does talk about kids and us in the future, decades from now.

Outwardly his actions are loving and kind consistently. He makes a big effort with my family who loves him etc. He’s an excellent partner in the sense of right now.

But he is not keen to discuss the future, getting married or having children. I am starting to worry I’m the placeholder while he waits for someone else. Would this reluctance to discuss our future plans worry you at two years in?

My ex was never quite ready for kids and strung me along for years. Funnily enough as soon as we broke up he met someone else and they had kids very quickly. If you’re the one he’ll be talking about the future if you want to talk about it, not shutting you down sorry.

I’ve been in your shoes. And for years I thought I was in an happy relationship. But every serious conversation about moving the relationship forward (living together, children, marriage, finances) came from me. He always panicked, resisted but sometimes actually eventually agreed. Ten years later and a beautiful child together, I ended things. All the things I ‘wanted’ from a relationship were perfectly natural but I was trying to get them from an emotionally stunted man who was never going to just naturally lean in. It got too exhausting to continue

Sorry. If he can't talk about commitment at age 31, I don't think he's interested in it with you. If you're definitely set on marriage/ house/ kids, I'd move on and find someone who is as well.

Honestly, I would move on and find someone else. He needs to know that you have options.

My DH was like this. He was 4 years younger than me and didn't understand that I didn't have forever to have a baby. Eventually I did what you should never do and gave him an ultimatum- if I'm the ONE you must know after 4 years and if not let's not waste any more time. Took about 2 months but he came round and we bought a house together, got married and had a baby in the next 2 years. That was 25 years ago and we are happy, financially comfortable and retired early so I think it was the right choice for us both in the end.

Yes don't mess about, it is now or never!

I agree, look at the men who are with a woman 10 years never proposed, next woman they're engaged within a month. If he wanted to he would, get out now

OP, after two years you know.
He doesn't even want to talk about it.
Not the actions of a man in love.

Actions not words are what count and his actions are, you are ok for now.

Time to move on.
I'm sorry, but don't be used.

Agree with PP

He needs to shit or get off the pot.

I met and married my husband in 3 years. By 18 months it was clear that was where we were headed, got engaged 2 years in. Most happy couples follow a similar or shorter timeline.

On the other hand I know a number of men with LT partners who evaded any talk of marriage until the subject was pushed, they broke up and within a year they'd had a baby with someone else and sent wedding invitations. Very very hard for their ex partners but they were all young enough to move on and have a family with someone else.

You don't have that luxury. It's go or no time.

"I am starting to worry I’m the placeholder while he waits for someone else. "

I'm not sure why you would think this? He wants you - he just doesn't want marriage and children. Lots of men (and increasingly women) are like this: they want to spend the rest of their life with someone in a monogamous relationship, but they don't want a traditional marriage and they don't want children.

@Carswell how are you doing having had others give opinions. There are threads like this all the time on MN but your posts have resonated and I do hope your head is coming to terms with some possibly very hard decisions.

Has there been no talk of anything that would move you closer to these things? I take it you don't live together - has it ever been discussed other than in those vague future terms? Has he ever talked about wanting children?

I would either tell him that you would like to plan together for a winter wedding at the end of 2025 and getting pregnant in 2026.

Or, just withdraw and start making plans for a different future.

His reaction to either of those situations will be your answer.

My only warning would be that the man who ‘comes around’ to marriage may still have underlying doubts that bubble up again at a much later date. Post marriage and children that unleashes a whole different world of pain.

So she needs to leave then.

He said he wants to talk about it to come up with a timeline in two weeks so I think I need to give him time to process what I said and hear him out first.

But I have felt different since this conversation. I can feel myself pulling away and being more distant because I feel rejected.

@PullTheBricksDown he has talked about wanting children and he has raised it more than me. Also about getting a house together. These were all green signals to me, so his response surprised me.

I really love him though. More than any person I’ve been with, so it isn’t easy.

@Carswell what is YOUR ideal timeline? How do you see this panning out?

I think ideally moving in together properly by Jan next year, maybe a trial period of 2 months or so later this year first. I own my home so if I did move to his (more likely because my work is more flexible) it would be a good way to test the waters before I rent out my place and make the move.

then start trying for kids in the next 2 years. My gran had her kids in her 40s but I don’t think that’s something I can rely on. I wouldn’t want to push it too late.