Is this abuse

[Coffeecupsmiles]

Just to give an outline, DH insisted on sitting in bathroom to watch me shower in early stage of relationship. Also watching me apply makeup, and although it seemed a bit intense he said he loved me so much he just liked watching me, to the point he would be disappointed in me if Id gone ahead without him there. I've realised now that it was a bit strange, although this was the start of the relationship and he seemed to to really care about me. He changed a lot once married and began criticising and blowing up if he wasnt happy about something or if I disagree with him. Now that I am more aware of things I don't feel comfortable with him watching me and he has said he wants to see me get undressed again etc. like it was before. In the early days he used to suggest we should all be able to walk about naked at home (at the time I had 2 teenage DD from previous marriage) which I said wasnt appropriate with my DDs there, and I recently remembered (coming into awareness of stuff) and I questioned him about this and he furiously denied ever saying it. He showed me so much attention in the early years that I didn't realise it was quite controlling. He showed a lot of interest in what I wore, and realise now that by doing this he chose everything I bought as he always came shopping saying he loved helping. At home, he would suggest outfits for each event etc. He would suggest I put my hair up etc. Fast forward 20 years and I'm still stuck trying to make sense of it all although the early behaviours have been replaced with others, as I've begun to challenge them but it feels relentless. I feel anxious around him all the time but when I mentioned this he said it's my trauma from my past making me fearful (DV in childhood and previous marriage) when I don't need to be. There's constant pressure about virtually everything even having a cup of coffee, and I'm left wondering if my PTSD is causing me to think this way or if this relationship has caused the PTSD. Despite my previous trauma it does feel like this level of anxiety and fearfulness has happened in this relationship but I keep wondering if it's my fault for being so naive in the first place.

Yes that does sound controlling but he words it kn a way it leaves you feeling unable to challenge it. Can you separate from him? Is that what you would like? Has he shown creepy behaviour or any odd behaviour to your daughters? Abuser have a way of sniffing out the abused I'm afraid.

Yes it is and I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg
do you still see your daughters

This is beyond abusive, it's creepy and weird. Kindly OP, You need to get away from him asap. The stuff he said about walking round naked while your girls were living there... I would have walked out or kicked him out right then. Get away and get back your self respect which this creep has clearly stolen from you. I hope somehow his weird controlling behaviour had no impact on your daughters though suspect that would be impossible.

Fucking creep. Can you leave him?

Yes it's the invisibility of how he does/says things and how when I challenge him he flips/shuts me down etc. Everything becomes impossible to see clearly. Ive spent years trying to get him to udnerstamd how i feel. My daughters have raised concerns about him being controlling especially as they've grown up now and they encourage me to leave but it's not easy trying to navigate it all. I have been referred to Women's Aid for support.

Yes, I have worked hard to make sure I still see them but it has been a battle as he has often made it difficult and even then has restricted it.

Can you stay with them?

I would advise the women's aid freedom programme to start thinking about the situation.

Thank you for your feedback. I know I was in a bad place, straight after previous physically abusive marriage, and I think because he didn't do this, I was unable to see what he was doing, if that makes sense. Thank you for your support

Try and see a counsellor and work this out together. You’re too close up to this to see clearly. You need some support that’s not him. Good luck

I may need to talk to them soon about this, thank you.

Thank you, I have now started counselling and I think this has brought the awareness of things, but I am still struggling and hoping Womens Aid will help with next steps. Thank you.

Whether the voyerism was abusive or the dress suggestions crossing the line, including the flipping anger doesn’t matter as much as the fact you now feel anxious and are walking on egg shells.
How you go forward depends on your strength and support.
The freedom program seems like a good start.
I’d begin setting my boundaries; “I’ll undress for you when we’re making love, but I will shower in peace” etc.
Do you want to continue living together?

It makes perfect sense that you would go from a physically abusive relationship to an emotionally abusive one - and think it was love rather than abuse.

You can leave any time you need to and your daughters may make this possible.

But you can also emotionally disentangle even if you can't physically leave for now. So that you can leave. It has been a long relationship. It will take time. The freedom programme can help you. Nothing dramatic but slow and steady. Til you're ready.

You are going to work with Woman's Aid, you've been open with your daughters and you are going to counselling.

You are doing brilliantly and I think really you already know this is an abusive and unhappy relationship. Stay strong - you're doing the right things to get to a happier and abusive free life.

Yes it's constant eggshells. He's very helpful around the house (which feels confusing) but it's done in an aggressive way that feels intimidating and creates a power dynamic that is making new feel worse by the day. I need to leave.

I went to women's aid long ago and they were fantastic. I had a young child and they offered a place in a refuge.

I stupidly stayed.

Refuge places are not offered forever and as places are limited they are rightly given to women with young DC.

The freedom programme might be your best bet and far more useful than therapy when it comes to escaping abuse.

Thank you 😊 🙏

Thank you 😊 🙏

It's controlling and emotional abuse. You should be able to feel safe and comfortable in your own home, have privacy in the bathroom and agency over what you choose to buy and wear. Men who want to choose their wives clothing and tag along when they're shopping give me the creeps. I suspect the behaviour you've described is the tip of the iceberg.

The fact that he tries to make it difficult for you to see your family is disturbing. He is trying to isolate you so that he has more control over you.

You do need to leave. Women's Aid will be able to advise you how to do this safely. Once you've made the break, you need to see a solicitor. Get your essential documents and valuables together (passport, certificates, insurance etc) and take them somewhere safe, out of the house (leave them with a friend or your daughter)

Good luck OP, you really do need to get away from this man 💐

OP he's very controlling, please don't doubt yourself.

Stop challenging him as there's no point and it only winds him up. You're wasting energy trying to change him or get him to understand you; he doesn't care and he won't change.

He may escalate if you tell him you want to leave so keep any plans to yourself. You need advice on how to leave safely.

OP, I'm so sorry that you've gone from one type of abuser to another, and totally get why you didn't realise immediately what was going on. It was easy for him to fool you into thinking he wanted you to do these things for him, because he kept telling you how much he loved you, but in actual fact, he was controlling you, people like this are extremely clever, so please don't feel that you should have seen it.

Sadly, my DD is with a man like this, who has alienated her from all of her friends, and as much of the family as he could manage. We see him for what he is, and I even liked him initially, as he seemed so respectful and caring towards me, and my daughter, but then when challenged about anything, the facade drops and you see the real him! They have been together for about 10 years now, and she still doesn't see it. The fact that you've been with your abuser for more than 20 years, and are finally seeing his behaviour for what it is, gives me hope that one day she will free herself from him, so thank you for sharing your situation.

Please follow all the advice given and get yourself away from him as soon as you possibly can, although as another poster said, it is likely to take time, as you've become so used to doing as he wishes, that it's hard to break the habit. I wish you all the best, and do please keep coming back to tell us how things are going.

Thank you. I think it feels so difficult to move forwards because I've been here before and never imagined I'd be here again and feel I've lost another 20 years, and it's hard to see the wood for the trees. Also every time i think ive created a boundary it just seems to increase the tension so I can see that boundary setting although helpful isnt working as it's intended. Thank you, I will keep going 😊🙏

I think you're right, it took a long time for me to realise this, thank you 😊

No problem. You can chat to Refuge and double check how you're feeling. It really helps to have a professional tell you what's going on. They're open till 10pm.