Is this abuse

[Coffeecupsmiles]

Just to give an outline, DH insisted on sitting in bathroom to watch me shower in early stage of relationship. Also watching me apply makeup, and although it seemed a bit intense he said he loved me so much he just liked watching me, to the point he would be disappointed in me if Id gone ahead without him there. I've realised now that it was a bit strange, although this was the start of the relationship and he seemed to to really care about me. He changed a lot once married and began criticising and blowing up if he wasnt happy about something or if I disagree with him. Now that I am more aware of things I don't feel comfortable with him watching me and he has said he wants to see me get undressed again etc. like it was before. In the early days he used to suggest we should all be able to walk about naked at home (at the time I had 2 teenage DD from previous marriage) which I said wasnt appropriate with my DDs there, and I recently remembered (coming into awareness of stuff) and I questioned him about this and he furiously denied ever saying it. He showed me so much attention in the early years that I didn't realise it was quite controlling. He showed a lot of interest in what I wore, and realise now that by doing this he chose everything I bought as he always came shopping saying he loved helping. At home, he would suggest outfits for each event etc. He would suggest I put my hair up etc. Fast forward 20 years and I'm still stuck trying to make sense of it all although the early behaviours have been replaced with others, as I've begun to challenge them but it feels relentless. I feel anxious around him all the time but when I mentioned this he said it's my trauma from my past making me fearful (DV in childhood and previous marriage) when I don't need to be. There's constant pressure about virtually everything even having a cup of coffee, and I'm left wondering if my PTSD is causing me to think this way or if this relationship has caused the PTSD. Despite my previous trauma it does feel like this level of anxiety and fearfulness has happened in this relationship but I keep wondering if it's my fault for being so naive in the first place.

I'm sorry to hear about your DDs experience and hoping one day things will be better for her ❤ thank you for your encouragement

Thank you Maitri108 🌸

This is VERY controlling and manipulative behaviour.

Definitely have a chat to women's aid to see if they can offer you support.

It's quite common that people that have been in an abusive situation are then pulled towards someone else with similar character traits.

If if he suggested you wore a particular outfit, and you said "no, actually I think I'll wear this one today!", what would his response be.

LISTEN to your daughters. They will be able to speak the truth about what they see.

Thank you. It causes a lot of tension if I disagree with anything, his responses include the silent treatment. I'm no longer wearing what he suggests, this was in the early years, but I've realised that any boundary I've set becomes irrelevant because he keeps creating the same dynamics with everything.

https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?%3E

This test is handy to do, a lot of the questions i didn't even think about clothes and dressing but its on there. The reason you feel anxious and eggshells is your subconcious brain knows its not right, but you hadn't caught up. Now you have. Get yourself out of there. It won't change, it won't become livable. You won't fix it.

It definitely sounds abusive. It's not healthy to feel anxious around your partner.

Boundary's don’t work with abusers. Neither does trying to get them to see your point of veiw. They know exactly what they’re doing. You need to leave asap even if it means staying temporarily with your daughter. Housing issues and legal stuff can be sorted out once you’re away.

You cannot think straight when you’re dealing with that level of anxiety. Abusers know this. Your marriage is finished, there’s no coming back from what he’s done. You don’t have to stay in the same house and earn your way out of the marriage. You can just leave.

Thank you so much for your feedback which I found really helpful, and I completed the quiz with a score of 67 (it says anything over 5 indicates abuse). Thank you x

So you went through DV in your previous relationship and you thought this was a good man to bring around your teenage daughters?? I'm very certain that they have a few stories to tell you too.

That gives you something concrete, its not peoples opinions, it's an organisation dedicated to this very topic.

I have started using chatgpt to ask for ideas to help (mine isn't abuse it's another topic), it gives you a wealth of advice at your fingertips, and offers you ability to refine the advice for your specific scenario.

Thank you, I know you're right. I need to get some more advice from womens aid although I'm waiting for a support worker from there to help me get out, I can see it might need to happen quicker, because I know I am really struggling mentally having spent years trying to set boundaries and trying to get him to understand, it hits hard reading that he knows what he's doing but it makes sense 😞

Thank you for your comments. After childhood SA within my family and the previous DV marriage unfortunately I had no sense of a healthy relationship so I wasn't aware this man was also abusive until recent years. He's very charming and helpful (was keen to support me with the children in early years) which has confused me so much as i wasnt used to having any help or someone saying they loved me. The more ive become aware, and felt unhappy, the harder I've tried to get him to understand what I'm unhappy about, which I understand is common for survivors of CSA (who often have high levels of tolerance), but i know now he has minimised, ignored, confused and gaslighted me everytime, making me feel like the problem for raising the issues. As things have got worse, Ive told him I'm uncomfortable with the physical side of things, and he has just increased the pressure, responding with more rage, arguments and shame, and even said by not complying 'I'm controlling him', and its 'screwing him up'. He is a 'pillar of the community' well known and respected. This all adds to my sense of being trapped. I share your concerns about my DDs and I live with this and the repercussions that his behaviour has potentially had for them. It haunts me that I was so blind. I recently discovered I'm autistic and I now understand I'm naturally naive, and have a lot of relationship vulnerabilities, but I will forever live with the shame of my mistakes and the price my children may have paid.