Would you consider this bullying?

[Coffeeandbannans]

I feel so unbelievably petty writing this out but I feel like I'm going mad, I feel like a contractor at work might be trying to bully me but I would welcome other perspectives!

Contractor comes in three times a week.

He is very overfamiliar and has been very intrusive; trying to start conversation with everyone, regardless as to whether they are on the phone, in a meeting, or in the middle of a conversation. He has had run ins with several employees including one with myself when he took it upon himself to announce to the office what was in my bin which he was emptying "ohhh look crisp packets! coke cans! Macdonalds! You're clearly not on a diet then love?!" I think he was just trying to make conversation but it made me feel a bit embarrassed so I walked out of the office.

I thought little more about it until a few months later when he started hoovering while I was on the phone and kept bashing my chair with the hoover. I turned around to ask him to move away and and he started gesturing and shooing me out of the way so he could hoover under my desk, I ended up having to put the call on mute so I could tell him he needn't hoover under my desk that day. He went off huffing and puffing and moaning to my colleagues about my "attitude" because he "only wanted to hoover under my desk" Then there was the time he announce to the office that he hopes I don't have kids because he couldn't imagine the state of my house if my desk is anything to go by! It was unfortunate timing because I had just returned to work after a miscarriage.

Since then (after moaning to DH about him constantly trying to engage me in conversation, DH suggested I simply ignore him) I have tried to ignore him because I'm not interested in having a conversation about his daughters wedding, his dog, what car he drives, jobs he has done in the past etc. I'll usually reply to his "morning" with "morning" but then he starts to ask if I'm OK and what I got up to at the weekend etc. I feel rude ignoring his questions but frankly I have work to be getting on with, as does he!

The other week he told me in a cheery was to "remember that courtesy costs nothing daring!" as he walked out of the office. I found it quite passive aggressive and was quite taken aback, perhaps I am being overly sensitive given previous run ins!

He still tries to engage me in conversation and this morning I had to leave the office to go to a meeting I saw him at the bottom of the stairs and he said "Come on darling! down you go! Heading off are you? and I thanked him for waiting at the bottom for me to pass. "have a lovely day darlin!" he said as I left.

Upon my return he walked into the very small kitchen after me and said "you back then love?" I didn't engage and tried to walk past him and he put himself between me and the exit and asked again "you back then love?" I replied "Yep" and he let me pass, chuckling away to himself as I walked down the corridor.

Am I being unreasonable to feel a little intimidated and gaslit by him being "too nice"? first world problems, I know!

No

I already elaborated on that. And because you included in your OP that he made a comment about your untidy desk!

@takealettermsjones this was the anecdote to which you refer: “Then there was the time he announce to the office that he hopes I don't have kids because he couldn't imagine the state of my house if my desk is anything to go by! It was unfortunate timing because I had just returned to work after a miscarriage.”

and your focus Is that I have a messy desk. Yes I do have a messy desk, it reflects a busy life 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Your comments say a lot more about you than my post says about me.

Tidy desk - messy desk. IRRELEVANT. (Just wanted to try out the caps shouty thing).

Repeat after me. He is a contractor. If the cleaning company want to retain the contract they need to manage their staff properly. That includes not harassing people and not hoovering during core hours.

...you asked me how it contributed to the issue. It's fairly obvious that it may contribute if a) it's true that you have a messy desk and b) it's his job to clear up after you. That will affect his attitude towards you. That's why I mentioned it, but it really wasn't the focus of my reply 😂 while I am bored, I can't really be arsed going back and counting how many words I spent on it, but it didn't approach the majority.

Yep, my comments reflect what I think. I have no issue with that.

Hilarious that you think someone who is contracted to clean for a company would feel any kind of way about a messy desk 🤣 he isn’t contracted to “tidy up after me” he is contracted to clean the premises and empty the bins.

Your comments reflect on you ☺️

Talk us through how having a messy desk affects the attitudes of cleaners? Is this like you have to cut your own hair before going to the hairdressers or else you might get a torrent of abuse of how amazed they are you managed to get someone to marry you?

Yet again, irrelevant to unacceptable verbal and physical aggression.

Ok, sure 😂 out of interest, why did you say in your OP that you would welcome other perspectives?

THANK you! (I feel I did caps shouty wrong here) but you have understood the issue here like most others!

It's very bemusing that we've zeroed in on the messy desk, fascinating. But it's because when cleaners have to clean or tidy up after messy people, it makes their job harder. Hope that helps!

It’s not you, it’s him.
He sounds like an asshole.
Hopefully you won’t be seeing him again.

Because I do welcome other perspectives. You haven’t given anything tangible to offer other than inverted snobbery and uninformed assumptions, which; unfortunately for you, is a you problem ☺️

@takealettermsjones
Your response was pretty unhelpful and unpleasant, tbh. You are, of course, entitled to your own opinion and perspective; however, in this instance, yours doesn't reflect very well on you. A woman has asked for advice about how a man's inappropriate behaviour negatively impacts her, and your response has been to call her snobbish - how embarrassing for you.

@ Coffeeandbannans
OP, I really think you need to report this behaviour to HR. The fact that your male colleagues don't see this behaviour makes me think that this chap knows exactly what he is doing and is on a power trip to offset his own issues about being in a role he doesn't perceive to have enough status. When you do report it, make sure you have lots of examples with dates and how the interactions impact you ie he interrupts when you are trying to work, he makes you uncomfortable, he upset you with the "hope she doesn't have children" remark (this one was outrageous tbh). If possible, propose a solution that you would like them to pursue for you. For example, he needs to leave the hoovering to a time when he is not disturbing people on the phone and be more aware that people are working. He is not to interrupt you or initiate chat unless it is necessary and related to his job. It is fine to say that you don't want to have to speak to him unless there is a specific work-related reason you don't owe him chat. He is on thin ice as a contractor, as he is very easily replaceable. He is only getting away with this by relying on you not "making a fuss", call his bluff on that front. He will soon leave you alone. Best of luck.

Absolutely report him, you shouldn't have to put up with that at work. He sounds like a grade A moron.

Yes, why did you zero in on the messy desk out of everything OP has posted?

Well, I didn't intend you offer you anything but my opinion on whether you are unreasonable or not, which you asked for. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I didn't. Read the thread again.

My response was actually balanced - I said I was on the fence, that I may need the other perspective, that I may be wrong about some things, and I acknowledged that there were things he had done wrong. I just said that there were things OP had done wrong too, in my opinion. Of course I went into more detail on those because she's the one that's here. And not everything is about sex. There are annoying officemates of both sexes, and I don't think we should report everyone to HR simply for being annoying. That's my take, and you can think I'm embarrassing or awful or whatever else, that's up to you. I'm able to accept that people disagree with my views without calling them names.

You are definitely not unreasonable. He's a twat who needs to be sacked.

Our cleaners were in-house and they started work very early so that they were finished before most of the staff arrived for work. They also didn't clean people's desks so having an untidy desk wasn't an issue for them.

The women cleaners were great as they were always polite, friendly and efficient. The two male cleaners were slow, their work was quite poor, one of them was quite inappropriate, and they both used any excuse to stop for a chat meaning that they were still there when people were trying to work.

It was really annoying and everyone used to complain about the male cleaners. It certainly isn't snobbish to complain about inappropriate behaviour.

Cleaners don't touch desks unless they're clear. So it doesn't make their job harder if you have a messy desk.