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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why is he calling me this?

38 replies

deirdrechilly · 04/03/2025 12:47

Husband keeps calling me Big Hard Deirdre Chilly in a negative and antagonising way. Says I'm heartless and uses this as an insult but I'm totally confused by it.

I'm not violent, I'm not big, I'm smaller than him, I don't box or fight. I'm a mum who works from home and hates confrontation.

He had a go at me this morning, big busy up as I asked when he would be cleaning his mess in the kitchen. Turned into an emotional outburst on his part, shouting and screaming at me that I gaslight him (we had this conversation last week as he has had a habit of gaslighting me for years) but wouldn't give any detail when asked - I asked for detail when he wasn't busy as he's working from home. He jumped off the chair with his laptop in the air as if to lunge at me, I was very close to him as it was he made it clear he was angry and was coming for me but I didn't move as I'm not intimidated by him.

Does this make me big hard deirdrechilly??

I was in an abusive relationship before I met him and I refused to be scared or intimidated by that boyfriend. I would never dream of crying or jumping back in fear but what my husband just done would send most of my friends running crying, is that what I was supposed to do?

Have I brought this on because im not doing as he demands?

OP posts:
MMO · 04/03/2025 12:49

I have never heard of this strange phrase. Is it a local phrase or a misspelling?

Either way, he's being a dick. Leave him.

MilitantFawcett · 04/03/2025 12:49

He’s doing this because he is an abusive arsehole.

Original poster
deirdrechilly · 04/03/2025 13:01

It's like saying someone is big and hard, then my nickname so big hard deirdrechilly.

Says it alongside that I'm heartless.

I've had a long hard think about it today and I just dont get it. I feel like a strong and independent woman, I've progressed well in my career despite dropping out of school at 15 and earn a good wage in the same field of work he is in but he is a few grades lower than me.

Since having children I've really found my confidence and became comfortable in my own skin so I feel like yeah I am big hard deirdrechilly and you're reinforcing the fact that I don't need you and he can't deal with it!!!

OP posts:
Chuchoter · 04/03/2025 13:04
%3D
PinkyFlamingo · 04/03/2025 13:04

I think you've got it spot on, he's jealous and insecure.

MsPavlichenko · 04/03/2025 13:05

You are in another abusive relationship. You may be dealing with it differently ( standing your ground), but it’s abuse all the same. It’s damaging both you and your DC. Please do the Freedom Programme, it’s life changing. Bin him off too.

CameltoeParkerBowles · 04/03/2025 13:05

MilitantFawcett · 04/03/2025 12:49

He’s doing this because he is an abusive arsehole.

It sounds like it, doesn't it? Do you ask him what he means by it, OP?

Catza · 04/03/2025 13:06

Just tell him that if you were indeed "big hard whatever" you wouldn't tolerate his behaviour and he would be out of the door.
I am not sure why he still isn't... something for you to think about rather than spend you mental energy guessing what motivated him to say it to you

Ferrazzuoli · 04/03/2025 13:07

Can you leave OP? He sounds horrible.

RedCatBlueCatYellowCat · 04/03/2025 13:07

So it would be like calling me Big Hard RedCatBlueCatYellowCat?

Because he is mocking you and belittling you. Because he thinks quite the opposite of you, that you are small, soft and insignificant. He is putting you down and wants to make you feel like shit. He wants you to feel intimidated. I would be prepared to bet this is only the tip of the iceberg.

BeachRide · 04/03/2025 13:07

You're in another abusive relationship. Use your strength to break free from it, rather than tolerate it.

CameltoeParkerBowles · 04/03/2025 13:08

Has he always been a dickhead, or is it a recent thing?

takealettermsjones · 04/03/2025 13:09

I'm confused about the context in which he says it to you - are you saying that he makes some kind of "scary" gesture and because you don't flinch, he essentially says "ooh you're hard"? So he's trying to scare you and he's pissed off that it's not working?

Either way... if my husband were calling me something I didn't like I would say "please don't call me that, I don't like it" and he would stop. If you don't feel you can do that or you have and he won't stop, then the relationship is a bad one anyway.

Devilsmommy · 04/03/2025 13:12

He sounds like a complete prick. Trying to intimidate you as well. I'd be chucking him out and focusing on myself and the kids if it was me. What a wanker

MemorableTrenchcoat · 04/03/2025 13:12

No one here can tell you why he called you that. Why do you want to stay with someone who shouts and screams at you anyway?

AlertCat · 04/03/2025 13:15

BeachRide · 04/03/2025 13:07

You're in another abusive relationship. Use your strength to break free from it, rather than tolerate it.

This.

anothermnuser123 · 04/03/2025 13:16

I believe he is saying you are trying to act tough, that's the only context ive heard that said before. Someone who isn't tough trying to act tough.

You sound like you are in another abusive relationship, normal relationships dont involve screaming and lunging at their partners to try and intimidate them.

Lairymary · 04/03/2025 13:19

Yeah, he's mocking you while trying to intimidate you. He obviously has a chip on his shoulder, probably born from you having a higher status as him at work and it crushes him that you have to ask him/ remind him to do basic stuff at home cos he's a lazy manchild with an attitude. Consider ditching him, it's not going to get better.

catsnore · 04/03/2025 13:19

This does sound awful. It sounds like he is saying that phrase to taunt you (when he in fact thinks the opposite) and also to try and stop what he probably sees as 'nagging' - Eg if he reacts badly to requests to clean up, you will be put off asking him again.

Original poster
deirdrechilly · 04/03/2025 13:24

takealettermsjones · 04/03/2025 13:09

I'm confused about the context in which he says it to you - are you saying that he makes some kind of "scary" gesture and because you don't flinch, he essentially says "ooh you're hard"? So he's trying to scare you and he's pissed off that it's not working?

Either way... if my husband were calling me something I didn't like I would say "please don't call me that, I don't like it" and he would stop. If you don't feel you can do that or you have and he won't stop, then the relationship is a bad one anyway.

No it was different parts of today's argument...

So in the middle of a back and forth he said big hard... we kept going back and forth, I wanted him to clarify an accusation he made and he was getting more and more wound up - I probs my should have walked away then but he has an emotional outburst every time we 'talk' or have a minor disagreement so I'm fed up with accusations being made of me and not having them discussed and resolved. Anyway after he was wound up he kept shouting and that's when he stood up as he was absolutely fuming with me. It wasn't to test out the big hard theory.

He says that when he's losing a verbal argument as I've had enough of it and will argue my point as I believe he is ridiculous half the time. He used to accuse me of being angry when I was clearly frustrated and unable to communicate with him and he used to call me angry deirdrechilly to get a rise

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 04/03/2025 13:30

You are in another abusive relationship but this time you feel braver and able to stand your ground.

That isn't any reason to stay in this relationship though. I think you will be happier without him.

TwentyKittens · 04/03/2025 13:33

You're in an abusive relationship OP and this is a way to abuse you.

Left · 04/03/2025 13:33

I think you’re asking the wrong question. Who knows why he’s an arsehole and calls you names.

The question you need to ask is, how you would be happier and how to get to that point? (eg single, and divorce)

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 04/03/2025 13:35

JUST GET RID OF HIM!

Stop wasting your life on abusive men!

Zanina · 04/03/2025 13:36

He's pegging you down to the shit on his shoe. Can't stand that you earn more and are a better person than him. If anyone makes you feel confused, it's a red flag