Why is he calling me this?

[deirdrechilly]

Husband keeps calling me Big Hard Deirdre Chilly in a negative and antagonising way. Says I'm heartless and uses this as an insult but I'm totally confused by it.

I'm not violent, I'm not big, I'm smaller than him, I don't box or fight. I'm a mum who works from home and hates confrontation.

He had a go at me this morning, big busy up as I asked when he would be cleaning his mess in the kitchen. Turned into an emotional outburst on his part, shouting and screaming at me that I gaslight him (we had this conversation last week as he has had a habit of gaslighting me for years) but wouldn't give any detail when asked - I asked for detail when he wasn't busy as he's working from home. He jumped off the chair with his laptop in the air as if to lunge at me, I was very close to him as it was he made it clear he was angry and was coming for me but I didn't move as I'm not intimidated by him.

Does this make me big hard deirdrechilly??

I was in an abusive relationship before I met him and I refused to be scared or intimidated by that boyfriend. I would never dream of crying or jumping back in fear but what my husband just done would send most of my friends running crying, is that what I was supposed to do?

Have I brought this on because im not doing as he demands?

So he 'flinch tested' you, and you didn't flinch, so now he's mocking you by calling you big and hard when actually, all it makes him is a tiny little man who tries to physically intimidate his fucking wife.

You need to leave this arsehole.

linky no worky

Also, OP, please be careful. He's clearly got his widdle feelings bruised and might be on an ego spiral. Men with wounded pride often try to make themselves feel better by hitting women, and he's already shown he's not above making you feel like he will.

Make sure you tell someone he's behaved like this and make a plan to leave immediately.

He’s calling you big and hard because you don’t back down. It’s because he thinks you shouldn’t be sticking up for yourself. You should just give in. It’s a way of belittling you. Bastard

Sounds like he's trying to get a rise out of you again.

Tbh he's an emotional bully, he's trying to intimidate you and tbh you've stepped one abuser for another. I'd think seriously about the example you're setting for your dc around what relationships look like. I'd also have a good hard think about my future being with this man. It's not a healthy relationship and not a good example to your dc

Sounds like he needs a muzzle. There's something wrong with him and you should run for the hills.

”he made it clear he was angry and was coming for me”

and then the aggressive mocking and name-calling? Using a term like ‘gaslighting’ because he doesn’t want to tidy up?

Yeah, sorry OP, but all the posters pointing out that you’re in another abusive relationship are not wrong. He sounds like a really shitty person.

@deirdrechilly You should give very serious thought to leaving this man before he escalates further, and he will.

Why on Earth are you still in a relationship with such an aggressive, gaslighting, violent, abusive bastard?

If DH lunged aggressively at me, I'd know he was abusive. Do you know yours is?

Thanks everyone. Lots to think about.

I suppose I don't consider him abusive as he's never hit me. I think we have a toxic relationship and have no ability to communicate to each other.

I feel pretty lost like there's no way out. He says he can't leave as he can't afford to, no family support on either side etc but I do think it's an excuse. He doesn't seem interested in sorting our relationship or his attitude towards me though and I'm at the stage where I just really don't care anymore so today instead of showing him any respect for what he was saying I just treated him with the same behaviours he treats me with and didn't consider his emotions or stress levels.

Is the only reason his inability to support himself? In which case, it's someone's circus and monkeys, but not yours.

He hasn't hit you yet. It'll be easier for him to do it next time now he's lunged at you and, as a previous poster said upthread, carried out the flinch test.