To not facilitate grandparents relationship forever?

[okydokethen]

I'm so disappointed in my dad's relationship with my children (11&13) and genuinely unsure what I should expect.

He's 75, single and in good health, drives and is fairly well off.

We live locally, I take DC to visit him every other week or we go out for dinner - he often pays for dinner if this is important. In the last 3 years he's visited us twice.

He's never taken DC out without me and never suggests anywhere we could go other than restaurants because he can't cook. He's never taken DC to a park, to get an ice cream on the seafront where he lives or the cinema or any other low effort/low cost activity. He doesn't initiate any interaction with them bar asking how are you and questing DD about school as she is quite academic.

For DSs recent birthday we went out for dinner and he said happy birthday but his only other comment was 'is it an educational game?' when DS told him about buying a Fortnite voucher with his birthday money. I feel this was facetious not curiosity.

DC don't particularly enjoy seeing him, they are polite but i guess it's boring. I feel they get so little from him that soon enough they'll say no thanks to coming along and I can't say I blame them. If he doesn't want to put any effort in to bonding with them, he's going to get very little back. AIBU to tell him this? Or do I just leave it?

YABU, he’s 75, he’s not got much in common with early teens! Do they ask him questions? Have you taught them how to make conversation too?

They spend time together, that’s more than a lot of grandparents and teenagers. Maybe switch it to once a month and see him on your own.

Some people especially one as old as your father would have been used to interacting with children in a totally different way . And is so out of touch with what is relevant for kids nowadays . I am a lot younger and couldn't make a interesting conversation about Fortnite . He obviously feels better with you there. Don't expect too much more from him and be thankful for what you have got . It would a shame if you didn't want to continue the arrangement at the moment . The kids can make their own arrangements when they are a bit older.

My late Dad was useless with his grandchildren once they had turned 9 0r 10. He'd no idea how to talk to them and never, ever suggested taking them anywhere (to be fair, neither dud my mother but she engaged with and talked to them no matter what age they were and had she been a driver, would've taken them out.

It got worse once Mum died (he survived her for 5 and a half years), but his developing dementia kicked in, in any case. Mu brother used to get annoyed that Dad didn't seem interested in his granddaughters (despite their athletic and academic successes), but I think you just have to accept it and move on, unfortunately.

I'm 49 and I know fuck all about Fortnite.

I spoke to my nephew recently via video call (they live abroad) and I just about managed to make conversation for a few minutes but honestly conversing with an early teen who answers in yes, no and grunts is bloody hard work.

Can you help the conversations along? Say something like oh, George is playing in the recorder group at school? Shared interests? Board games, going out together to castles/zoos/beaches?

What was he like as a dad? Past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour so if he was polite and distant with you then I’d expect the same with the grandchildren. I get the impression on here that many grandads have contact because their child or wife has organised and pushed for it. The loving ones who do things like go to the park on their own seem to be a minority.

Saying something is unlikely to help and it sounds like everyone is going through the motions of spending time together rather than enjoying and wanting to see each other.

Goodness op

why on earth are you forcing someone disinterested on your children

If your Dad is otherwise ok, I think you're being a bit unreasonable.
He doesn't want to do kid stuff.
Your kids might actually find this a more rewarding relationship as they get older. Maybe they also need to work on their conversational skills?
My PIL were a lot like this too and they found mid-teens absolutely baffling and beyond their comprehension but were keen to talk with them once they became a bit more mature. The lack of ability to connect did not undermine their mutual affection though. DH and I were always present, it was a family visit.

Where I am, 3 people going to a movie is not cheap at all, it's expensive.

What do you expect him to be doing with them? He pays for dinner. They're very different generations and it seems like they don't have any hobbies or activities or interests in common.

Pp make a good point about your kids being an age where it’s hard work talking to them. My sons weren’t chatty with any adults and their conversation was limited to answering questions rather than chatting about what’s on their mind or piqued their interest.

It sounds like a fairly easy relationship to facilitate. He’s local, he doesn’t appear to expect or demand anything arduous from any of you, he foots the bill when you go out, he makes interested if superficial conversation. Yes, it’s sad that he and your DC have never really bonded further, and your dad might feel the same way - but at their ages, bonding is much more difficult when they’re not as open and chatty as they used to be and their interests are things like Fortnite and not really easy for people who don’t know about Fortnite to engage with them over. If he talks to DD about her schoolwork, could she take whatever book she’s reading in English / project she’s working in for Science and broaden out the conversation, see if they have any shared interests that way?

As they get older, they will likely naturally let contact drift - but it’s still important to remind them that he’s their family, and that he loves them even if it’s not always easy for them to see it.

What was he like as a father?

You can't make him be the grandfather you want him to be but you don't need to bother with him if he's making it clear he doesn't give a shit

I think lower both your expectations and the frequency with which you (and thus they) see him. He's 75.

On the one hand, he's 75...

On the other, I know my husband is very disappointed in the relationship his parents have with our children. They put a lot of pressure on us to have children, they sent us multiple handwritten letters about how they were "so concerned" they'd be too old by the time we did... and then when we told them that we were having a baby, they said they weren't interested in helping out at all so we better have planned without them.

They've never done any of the things that you say your Dad hasn't either, but they've also only ever eaten out with him once, and seen him maybe ten times. The last time was when he was 10 months old, and he's now three.

I don't think you can preplan the grandparent/grandchild relationship. Just leave it and see what happens.

I think that’s perfectly normal for a grandad of that age. My father would have been exactly the same except my mother used to set him up with a game to play with the grandchildren (not as teens obviously.) He never would have taken them out. They still look back on him with fond memories. Same as my own grandad. He don’t actually ‘do’ anything apart from be a member of the family who we
would see from time to time.

I also think you and your dc see him a lot. Maybe reduce it now they are getting older if you are not getting much out of it.

Your Dad sees a lot more of your children than my parents ever did of mine.

Teenagers are often not easy to make conversation with and sometimes you are lucky to get a grunt back. I also found even with my own that stuff they were interested in either meant nothing to me or was totally baffling. Mine are in their twenties now and my almost 90 year old mother remains baffled and confused by a lot of the stuff their lives are about.

A lot of it is just different generations and I can't help thinking you are expecting too much. Your Dad is more comfortable with them when you are present and that is fair enough. You are the bridge between the two.

To be honest, I'm 58 and would not know anything about Fortnite. Nor would I really want to. I've distantly heard of it but that's all.

Do they have any shared interests? My 12 year old loves motor racing and so does my 78 year old dad, so they chat away animatedly about that. My 14 year old loves travel so they talk loads about that because my parents also travel widely. I wouldn’t even talk to kids about their computer games (as much as I can avoid) so I wouldn’t expect my parents to.

He doesn’t sound too bad - my parents haven’t done much with my two by themselves but we live overseas so visit as a family. My youngest and my mum get on particularly well, they have a very similar sense of humour, but I guess my advice would be, don’t force it. Suggest things they might have in common but I can’t really remember what I talked to my grandmas about and yet I loved them!

As others here have said maybe you are expecting a bit too much? He seems a lot like my FIL was .Fine to take us all out for a meal, and have us for tea .Probably little interest in "Fortnite" or play station though! I havent any interest in either really.Look he enjoys meeting up ,pays for Supper and so on .Whats the deal? Just accept it as he is and enjoy seeing him

Your children are at an age when they're much harder for adults to engage with, unless there's a shared hobbie or passion e.g. football.

Unless your kids are really chatty and he's ignoring them I think you may need to lower your expectations here.

Just leave it, he chose to visit you twice in three years, so that's the level of contact he would like. Every other week is a lot for people who aren't really interested in each other.

Was he an engaged, active parent to you? Taking you to beaches, for ice creams etc?

He sounds fine to me. Going out for a meal a couple of times a month and making polite conversation. He might well enjoy their company but have little idea how to engage them at their ages. Lots of older men are like this. My own parents would never have thought of taking my kids anywhere, although they would see them at home. They weren't really going out types of people.

My grandparent was like this, then kicked off when I was a teenager about the fact we had zero interest in her. But she hadn't built an actual relationship. I don't have memories of doing anything with her, we were taken over for a couple of hours every other Sunday, and she talked to our parents and asked us about school, but I have no memory of her trying to play with us as children, or do activities with us as older children, so of course there was no relationship when we got to teenage years! This is also why I raise an eyebrow on threads about fathers not getting on with teenagers, as when you dig often OP admits he 'wasn't good at the baby stage' and 'worked a lot when they were younger' and i just think... you have to work at these things, you can't magic up chemistry and a relationship with people just because you share blood!
What was he like when you were younger?

Interesting to read your thoughts, thank you.

I've so far just gone with the accept it is what it is and keep seeing him - he wants us to visit and asks more than I go.

He was exactly the same as a dad and still is now, I politely listen to him as do my DC, there is always an air that I am the daft one compared to my sister, he's quite a snob and he can come off as a bit disdainful.

The Fortnite was an example of this. Yes Fortnite is really crap and lower class and very boring but if you have a grandchild animatedly talking to you, you could for a moment say something like sounds like you had fun instead of dismissing it.

The DC talk to him about school, they are actually fine in making conversation but they are kids out for a social event how much school work are they really going to want to talk about, particularly on DSs birthday - well he didn't.

DC read a lot as does my dad, there is something there he could build on - he doesn't 'do' libraries but he could take them to Waterstones maybe, they have their own money and he knows this.

I do all the 'telling' about guess what DC have done, this happened, they did this that and the other.

I think they're much easier for him to interact with now, he disliked crying baby stage, toddler tantrums, children napping, when they went off to play together and so he couldn't get as easily involved.

I think DC will dutifully see him as long as asked but I wont blame them if they don't enjoy it. I feel my dad is going to miss out on a relationship with two really nice kids.

Interestingly I wonder what the response was if I said this was my mum?

@Daisyvodka that's exactly what I think

Interestingly I wonder what the response was if I said this was my mum?

My response would be the same; that teenagers can be hard for adults to engage with.