Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Mother of bride messages about attending

65 replies

Teaandcoffee223 · 04/03/2025 07:31

My Dsis had an accident a few days ago and is awaiting surgery on her leg. Hopefully it's today. DSis was suppose to go on a hen weekend friday. She still thinks she can make it.
The mother of the bride keeps messaging saying that she will push her around, she's praying she can make it, saying that if anyone can come its my Dsis.
I don't feel this pressure from her is necessary because Dsis is going to feel bad when she can't make it because there's no way after big surgery and her being on a ton of painkillers that she's going to go to this hen thing.
They even said they would leave her in the house alone whilst they went out swimming. I don't think they are realising that my Dsis is going to struggle moving around the first few days even weeks as the cast will go over her knee. If she has a funny turn just 2 days after surgery and they leave her alone then what.
I feel like they should just be giving words of encouragement to get better and that it's no pressure of Dsis if she can't attend.
Dsis has her hopes up and mother of bride is feeding them.
Aubu to 1. Be concerned and 2. Be annoyed that she's having this unnecessary pressure put on her

OP posts:

Original poster

Teaandcoffee223 · 04/03/2025 07:33

Sorry for all typos!

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 04/03/2025 07:35

I wouldn’t be going anywhere other than home four days after surgery especially if my leg was in a cast
she will be exhausted and uncomfortable
it’s a hen do, not the second coming
no one should be pressuring her to attend

ThreeMagicNumber · 04/03/2025 07:36

That's bloody ridiculous. Surgery and healing from surgery on her leg is far more important than a stupid hen weekend. Your sister must be feeling so stressed from the pressure of it all. I don't think it's a good idea to go far away from the hospital she had surgery, just incase anything happens and she needs readmitted. What's that saying, life is what happens when you are planning other things. This is just life, she needs to look after herself and prioritise healing over a hen do.

AgnesX · 04/03/2025 07:38

Did I miss something, is your Dsis not able to speak for herself?

The hens just have to accept she'll not be up for it and ignore the mother. But it's your sister's decision and for her to say no firmly.

Dearg · 04/03/2025 07:38

MoB is being ridiculous. The only thing that matters in this is your sisters well-being. Have sis tell her that she wants to come, but she’s going to focus on being able to dance at the wedding.
That said, I assume your sister is an adult, so if she wants to go in these circumstances, you can’t prevent it.

Errors · 04/03/2025 07:38

I agree with you OP. If it were me I would be sending messages of support and barely mentioning the hen do apart from maybe “of course we would love it if you can make it, but you just concentrate on getting yourself better”

This would really annoy me. It’s too pushy

SuddenFrisson · 04/03/2025 07:38

Honestly, OP, yes, you’re being unreasonable. You can’t control other people’s behaviour. Your sister will figure out her own capability after her surgery, and how to respond.

I had an over-the-knee cast after ankle surgery back in the 1990, and I was transferred to another hospital for a few days afterwards. I did have to go to another city by public transport within ten days for an unpostpone-able exam, and though I just about managed it (my boyfriend accompanied me, wheelchair, taxi etc), it was far from enjoyable. Apart from anything else it was very difficult to sleep in a full cast, so I was exhausted. But your sister may recover better.

Evaka · 04/03/2025 07:39

Very odd. Is the mother very close to your sister? Can you have a quiet word with someone medical at the hospital to spell out to her that she should go home and rest post op?

BookArt55 · 04/03/2025 07:43

I voted that you are being unreasonable because it is your sister's choice and she needs to make the decision that is best for her.

The mother of the bride is unfair, unsupportive and she should back off and leave your sister who is obviously going to be struggling at the moment even without the added layer of guilt.

But at the end of the day your sister needs to make a decision, voice that decision and stand her ground. If she chooses to go and struggles... that is her choice. If she chooses to stay home and mother of the bride is annoyed then she needs to be firm in that decision.

Mog65 · 04/03/2025 07:43

Are you the bride. If you are, give your mum a break. She's not thinking straight. She is prob wanting the hen do to be perfect for you/bride and that would mean sis attending. Just let it go. They will soon realise after the op that there's not a hope in hecks ks chance she will make it. YNBU but stressing yourself out. Have a great hen do

Redfred00 · 04/03/2025 07:48

You can't control what other people do or say. All you can do is support your sister.

Wilfrida1 · 04/03/2025 07:48

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Original poster

Teaandcoffee223 · 04/03/2025 07:53

AgnesX · 04/03/2025 07:38

Did I miss something, is your Dsis not able to speak for herself?

The hens just have to accept she'll not be up for it and ignore the mother. But it's your sister's decision and for her to say no firmly.

Mu dsis wants to go. I don't think she's thinking straight as she's high pain killers atm. Then the MOB is feeding into giving my Dsis hope that she can go. That's what I'm saying they shouldn't be pressuring her or giving her hope because it's obvious Dsis isn't going to be able to go.
Dsis is saying I'm going and the MOB is saying yea dw I'll push you around etc. It's not helping the situation.
So Dsis has a voice but she's vulnerable and not thinking straight atm

OP posts:

Original poster

Teaandcoffee223 · 04/03/2025 07:55

Mog65 · 04/03/2025 07:43

No she's not my mum

OP posts:

Ezlo · 04/03/2025 08:02

Won't your sister still be recovering in hospital?

The pressure beige put on her to attend is ridiculous. People are insane!

farmlife2 · 04/03/2025 08:04

I'm assuming the mother of the bride has no idea of the scale of the surgery and what recovery will be like. I suspect she's coming from a place of ignorance (lucky her).

ThighsYouCantControl · 04/03/2025 08:04

God I hope she doesn’t end up going. I mean, it’s obviously up to her but it sounds like a really bad idea.

Chillilounger · 04/03/2025 08:08

Do you know the bride. Can you call her and give her a heads up,? Just say she really wants to come but you think that given the seriousness of the situation when it comes down to it she probably won't be in any fit state and although you hope you're wrong just a heads up as no-one likes last minute changes.

Moonnstars · 04/03/2025 08:09

Why is the mother of the bride so insistent your sister goes?
What is the relationship between the sister and bride?

I don't think it's realistic the sister attends and maybe they are both just kidding themselves that she will be well enough. If she is having an operation today then will surely still be dosed up on medication and the last thing I would think they would want is a weekend surrounded by people potentially being drunk and loud (no idea what the plans are for the weekend).
Where is the hen being held? If local (I assume not though) could they join for something if well enough, maybe a meal, but then go home?

Dolphinnoises · 04/03/2025 08:27

Honestly, I think you need to back off. Your sister wants to go. They want her there. It’s possible albeit difficult but it’s her life and her decision. If she has to (regretfully) decide it can’t be done you’ll be a far greater support if you haven’t spent the runup telling her so

ErrolTheDragon · 04/03/2025 08:37

Aubu to 1. Be concerned and 2. Be annoyed that she's having this unnecessary pressure put on her

YANBU on both points, of course. I saw the start of your thread yesterday, of course you're concerned about your sister's wellbeing (physical and mental).
The MOB has ridiculous priorities, though probably means well.

But ultimately it's your sister's decision. Maybe it'll be ok, depends a lot if the people will look after her properly and not prioritise their fun. Will someone sensible be staying sober?

SuddenFrisson · 04/03/2025 08:40

Is there some relevant context here, that your sister doesn’t have adult capacity or something? Because surely the worst-case scenario is that she goes, just doesn’t have a good time, and leaves again, or suffers through?

NotTheDebtDoctorWithTheHungryScalpel · 04/03/2025 08:49

It sounds to me like your sister is insistent that she can go and MOB is being supportive tbh.

Your sister is probably scared and focusing on the trip rather than her surgery right now and the MOB is telling her what she wants to hear, which, imo, is much better than telling her she can't go and putting a downer on it right before surgery.

Realistically your sister knows she can't go, she's just putting focus elsewhere.

howshouldibehave · 04/03/2025 09:00

The mother of the bride keeps messaging saying that she will push her around, she's praying she can make it, saying that if anyone can come its my Dsis.

What does that mean?!

This really doesn't have much to do with you-I presume you aren't going to the hen weekend? I would step back and let them sort it out.

When you say your sister is vulnerable, do you mean she has special needs? Does she have a carer?

Endofyear · 04/03/2025 09:14

Your DSis is a grown woman who can make her own decisions - all you can do is tell her you think it's a bad idea and suggest that she speaks to her surgeon about her recovery after the operation. If doctor advises her not to travel, it might carry more weight.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread